My theory about the men who “don’t notice the dirt” etc. is that they are spoiled brats whose mommies always cleaned up after them and don’t understand that there aren’t little fairies and leprechauns that sneak into the house at night to pick their dirty clothes up off the floor and wipe the urine off the toilet rim. If you’re going to behave like a child, you deserve to be treated like one. And based on what I’ve read so far, Zambezi, you’ve probably been nagged your whole life.
Jett said
conversely, there is no such thing as “men’s work.” And as far a whopping generalizations go, I know a lot more men who cook and do dishes than women who mow the lawn. Why the hell is there so much talk about splitting “housework” but little or none about splitting the “yardwork”? Or what about “autowork”?
Dewaholic said
IT is because you care and because you feel that you know what is best for him…even more so than he does.
Which probably reveals the answer to the question. Women feel that they know better and they have to say something or the world will come apart at the seams, or at least the man will.
And I am not talking about sick henpecking women here. I am talking about even the nicest, most caring women who are in most aspects great SO’s. But then there is that subtle “don’t have threebeers.” “can’t you eat slower.” “have you made a doctor’s appointment yet?” It is often subtle.
But why do women do it 1000 times more than men?
KSO, actually, my parents worked about 120 hours a week so I had to do a crap load of stuff and I resented it. I was cooking my own meals at age 9. I resent being told what to do because I have always done it for myself.
Athena I understand your situation. My theory about people who nag without actually fixing things themselves is that they perceive that they are a) above such a task b) too busy or c) the boss.
My feeling is that if it bothers you sooooooo much that you are going to go on incessantly about it, take care of it your own damn self and leave me alone. If I don’t care about a picture being crooked and you do, well then you fix it. The only other choices are to a) tell me to fix all the things that bother you or b) make more things start bothering me so that I will want to fix them.
Mr. Zambezi, the answer is right before you.As the sister to four brothers, countless guy cousins and countless guy friends, I will say this once, SO PAY ATTNETION:
Men are not happy unless they are nagged. 
I don’t like to think of it as nagging, but gently guiding him down the right path.
Besides, what in the hell would you guys talk about if there were no sports? Sex? Hah, conversations would be like,
" Getting any?"
“No, how about you?”
" Nope."
" Wanna another beer?"
And not that it matters, but we have a housecleaner.
But this is not just about division of duties. It is about women correcting men…a LOT. And men, well, being more relaxed and not correcting women and making sure that they eat right and excercise and wear the right thing and so on.
Why do you women care so much more than we do?
Um, Jett. Maybe it’s just that the guys you’ve been dating have been a little lax (No pun intended.) on the hygiene factor. I can’t speak for all men, but I assure you that when I finish my business, my ass is sparkly clean and lemony fresh.
A man is totally unhappy unless he has a woman to nag him. I am not a nagger. I’d rather do things myself…and know they are done right the first time than to even ask a man, if it’s something that really matters to me. I only ask a man to do what I really don’t care gets done or not. Last guy I dated tormented me to death trying to get me to nag him because he felt like I didn’t need him if I wasn’t nagging at him. And he’s right…I didn’t need him.
“Do or do not, there is no try” - Yoda
We men are stupid. I’m convinced that society would collapse without the work of women, that the human race would die out without there persistence in relationships, and they only put up with us because they’re nice. As Jeff Foxworthy said, women do 99% of the work, but they’re not as proud of their 99% as men are of their 1.
I personally know that, when I finally get out of the dorm (and have to manage such things as shelter, fod, and clothing), my life will absolutely go to pot unless I have help. I might be able to find out how to do all that sort of stuff, but I’m lazy. 
Besides, I like girls. They’re cute, and kissing beats the hell out of playing cards.
I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail.
Just an example, in reverse. A girl I am friends with kept getting nagged by her now ex-boyfriend about her smoking. Now I know smoking is bad, but I am not going to treat my friends or girlfriend (I am dating her now) that way. THey are adults and can make their own decisions. Anyway we were with a big group. She was smoking. He showed up. She blew a big lungful of smoke in his face. I had to laugh out loud at that simple but effective act of defiance.
Nagging is bad. Pulling someone over and saying to him how he may improve (in positive terms) and being there for him is good. Being a controlling bitch is not good. Few women are good at it. But honestly, neither am I.
Chief - thanks for the perspective from the bottom of your…bottom. Keep up the good work!
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
– Emo Phillips
Wrong.
Wrong.
What you two don’t know about men could fill a warehouse.
I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I’m lucky if I can find a half an hour a week in which to get funky.
Mr.Zambezi said:
Why generalize? Not ALL men are less caring than women. My SO cares as much about me as I do about him. He sometimes has to remind me to go to the doctor or take medication, which we do for each other out of concern.
(Since this is the pit): You and the mouth-breathers you hang out with need to understand that there ARE some real, caring, mature men in the world and if you’re being nagged, then YOU have a problem with responsibility. Someone shouldn’t have to tell you to pick up your own damned underwear! You’re a big boy, do it yourself.
BTW, Caring about someone’s health and nagging about a fucking toilet seat are completely different issues entirely.
And that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.
Why are women nags? Because men are slugs.
That’s not what I really think, but I believe that every stupid question should get the answer it deserves.
An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.
Men are not happy unless they are being nagged? Puh-lease. Get a grip lady. Why do you think so many men end up leaving their women? We get tired of the constant nagging. Yes. maybe we are pigs when it comes to housework. So what? If it bothers you, clean it up! When it bothers me, I will clean it up.
Seriously, I was married to a nag, and after 3 years of her wanting to control everything “and mold me” I finally left the bitch. This was THE SAME WOMAN that used to sneak into my apartment when I was at work AND CLEAN IT!! She knew how good I was at keeping up with the housework. When I do clean house, it is spotless. However, between cleanings it can get pretty bad. So what? There’s more important things to me in life then worrying about a fucking plate in the sink.
When I was married, I took off work early one day so I could go home and clean the house and make a nice romantic dinner for my wife and I. I had a long romantic night planned out. It would have been wonderful. But then again, our marriage could have been too, were it not for the nagging. What does Ms. Nag do? She comes home and wants to know why I took off work early? Why did I “waste” a half of a vacation day without talking to her first? Fucking bitch. I went out with the boys that night instead and got tanked. Let that bitch stay home and nag the cats and eat a fucking tv dinner.
I now have a wonderful SO whom I plan on spending the rest of my life with. We both don’t give a damn about housework but when we clean we do it together. I cook for her and she cooks for me. When we go out I always pay because I like too. She tries sometimes but she has 2 kids and doesn’t make near as much as me so no way I will let her pay. The thought counts though. It counts big time! That’s why I shower her with gifts, love & romance. Because she deserves it! Most women don’t. They deserve to take their naggin asses’ to the old maid quilting party and whine about how men are pigs.
Meanwhile… we don’t give them a second thought because we have found that NOT ALL WOMEN ARE NAGS!! And those are the ones to cherish and love forever. The rest will either settle for a whimp of a man that will do whatever they are told or be alone. Is that why so many women have kids? They need to be in authority?
things that make ya go “hmmm”.
I’m with dewaholic, caring for someone’s well-being and nagging about a toilet seat are two very seperate issues.
I admit I nag my SO once in awhile about cleaning his dorm room, but I don’t live there so in essence I really don’t care that much I simply refuse to go in there. That way, I don’t have to deal with it. But when two people are sharing a living space together you don’t get to say “I’ll clean it when it bothers me” Yeah? Well it bothers me now, and I shouldn’t have to do all the cleaning up just because you are too damn lazy to clean it up until it falls into the toxic waste category. You wanna hear nagging? Make a woman clean up after your sloppy ass.
And as for being concerned about eating habits, sleeping habits, drinking habits, and general health; I remind my SO because I care about him and I want him to be healthy so that we can spend our lives enjoying each other instead of one of us wishing we had gotten that strange mole or mysterious lump checked out a lot earlier.
I hate feeling like I am watching someone flushing their potential down the toilet, so if I see a bad habit or trait in someone I care about, I tell them, and support and love them whether they thank me for my advice or tell me to shove it.
Women (and some men) nag because they see something annoying or potentially destructive in another person. Sometimes it is simply their own personal pet peeves coming through, and sometimes it is a genuine concern. Make sure you know the difference or you might miss out on a loving caring person cause you were too stupid to realize they were concerned and not merely being a bitch.
“I celebrate myself, and sing myself, and what I assume you shall assume, for every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.” --Whitman
Women do most, if not all, of the child raising and child training. At least, to hear women tell it, they do.
If women do not like the way boy children turn out, maybe they should re-evaluate their child raising methods.
When you marry someone (especially after you live with them first) you know what you are getting yourself into. It is no fair to change the rules later on.
If you marry a smoker or a slob or a lazy ne’er do well…well that is the lot you chose. You can’t change the language of the contract after you sign on the dotted line. Men seem to get this. Women don’t.
They want to mold you and make sure that you are taking care of yourself. And what they want to mold you into is a closer image of them.
Not many guys decide that their wife should take up fishing after they get married. But how many guys get dragged off to the opera after marriage?
Another observation, women are very concerned about appearance. A messy house may not really bother them at all. My So was never a terribly neat person. But the thought of somebody seeing a messy house…Holy Cow! The end of the fucking world.
I call it the Martha Stewart effect. As women get closer to 50, their need to “keep up appearances” goes up exponentially.
Men, on the other hand tend to stay at about 25 years old.
Okay Zam, now we’re talking about marriage. In the original post you specified SOs - not spouses.
I agree with you that before marrying someone a lot of thought should go into whether that person is the one you want to keep or is just a lump of clay you intend to mold. I feel sorry for anyone, male or female, who marries someone thinking that they can transform that person (whether through nagging or other through other forms of manipulation - there are many) into something else. Marriage is an institution that is supposed to last for life, being an “SO” is not necessarily so permanent.
My advice to someone who cannot handle the nagging of a spouse is different than that to someone who can’t handle the nagging of an SO. If someone’s being nagged by their girlfriend, there’s no marriage and there are no kids, the answer is simple. If you can’t work through it, leave. Find something else.
If it’s a marriage, both people have a responsibility to work toward saving the relationship, in my opinion.
In any case, my understanding of “nagging” is that it’s a repetitive insistence. It’s something that keeps being revisited because resolution is not reached the first time it’s communicated.
Do your friends just acquiesce to the point being “nagged”? “Yes, dear” may end the nagging for that instance, but if they don’t live up to that agreement they should probably expect to hear about it again. Do they follow through? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to remind someone of an agreement that they have not fulfilled, but I’m willing to bet that’s a big part of what you consider nagging. If someone says they’ll quit smoking or cut down on drinking or work out they shouldn’t be surprised when their SO reminds them of their resolution. If there’s no hope that the behavior will change, both parties need to present and face the facts so that there’s no repetition. No need for further discussion = no nagging.
In my experience, if I’m “nagging” at my husband it’s because I’ve asked him to do something, he’s told me he’ll take care of it and he fails to do so. I have gotten a range of responses when I ask him to do something that he’s already said he’d do - they range anywhere from deeply apologetic to slightly annoyed. I don’t think that anyone has a right to be annoyed when they are reminded to do something they have already said they’d do, but depending on how it’s presented, even a reminder can seem annoying.
We have learned a lot about communicating withing our marriage. Aside from learning about the way that my husband communicates specifically, I needed to learn about how men communicate in general. He needed to learn how women communicate. Women (well everyone, really does…) like to be heard. We like to be spoken to honestly and we like it when you don’t forget, maybe 5 minutes after the conversation is over, what was said. Also, we sometimes have a hard time (as does everyone) articulating exactly what we mean.
To give an example, some friends of ours had a disagreement with almost the same circumstances of something my husband and I have experienced. Keep in mind that either gender could occupy either position in this drama. She says “you’re not listening to me!”, he and says, “well, I’m looking at you and watching your mouth move - how could I not be listening to you?”. What she’s really saying is: You don’t understand what I am trying to convey. What he needs to know is that if she says this, there’s something wrong somewhere. It’s an actual PROBLEM when someone is not being heard in a relationship. It may not be a tangible you-didn’t-hear-every-word-I-said type of not listening, it’s more of a non-observance of the meaning that the partner is trying to communicate.
Back to the OP: [generalizations] Women are nags because men don’t listen or are not honest and communicative.
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
– Emo Phillips
Mr.Zambezi says:
Again with the generalizations??? Just because you and the boys you hang out with are like this, doesn’t mean that all men are destined to remain children. And maybe you need to find a better class of woman, because WE ARE NOT ALL LIKE THAT.
My fiance is wonderful. At 28, he’s very mature, thoughtful, responsible and (most importantly) independent. I think when two people are independent and responsible adults, it makes for a great match.
If you are going to make statements about women and men, make sure you don’t lump each sex into one category. Maybe it’s that attitude that attracts the wrong women anyway.
True. A woman says " will you please leave the seat down." and a man (me here) hears “please put the seat down” which seems minor and petty and not worth spending a lot of time on.
What the woman was saying was, “not putting the seat down makes me feel as if you do not care about my feelings and it makes me worry that if we have a child the child will fall in and drown because you are not attentive to details.” This is a true story. My wife actually said this to me after a year of repetition over the subject. .
So, in that year I failed to “hear” what she was saying because she comes from from a different species than I and communicates in some female shorthand.
I can’t stop every time she corrects me, or suggests something, or outright tells me that I am doing something wrong to have soul searching discussions. And in the interim, the repetition is annoying. In fact, the long “that makes me feeel like X when you do y…” discussion is a little annoying.
But at the bottom of this, I think that her concerns are …um, well, stupid. Just as If I thought that she shouldn’t wear make-up because she might get raped. That would be a stupid fear, likewise the above is stupid.
And even if it is not stupid, the repetition of something, anything, is a negative reinforcement, is not effective and is highly annoying.
Again, I will ask, why do women see themselves as the defender of the organized world and feel the need to repeat things over and over. Is it bevcause they do not feel empoewered to simply make direct statements and let it go?