WHy can't I like the nice, stable ones, dammit?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
161

Ah Henry, and here I thought you’d disappeared…what, no comments in GD on the Chechens? I’m so disappointed!

And yes, you can consider this an official hint to tell us your story, how you ended up in Siberia, how you stumbled upon the SDMB message board…and I don’t have my e-mail posted on my profile, largely because my ex is a Doper (not that he wouldn’t recognize me immediately from reading any of my posts, and he has the stupid e-mail anyway, but allow a girl to keep her delusions, willya?).

However, if you start a thread somewhere or drop a hint in this one, I may be convinced to e-mail you, because I’m just so damn curious. And I don’t discriminate based on ethnic or religious background, because that would be rather hypocritical, now wouldn’t it?

Poka, nadeius’,
Evochka

162

Plus, I’m curious about your opinions on the rest of the thread, as I’ve only seen you post in GD so far. But that’s just my natural nosiness popping up again.

163

Evochka, moij pupsik!

(This means: Hi, Eva Luna!) and that I am a liar.

Eva wrote:
“I’ve been attracted to guys who were kinda funny-looking, just because I liked them for who they were.”

See?

OK, I will not put my story here, but since here is a lot of biking, You can go and look for a thread in GD: “I think I am psychic”.
Reading my post there…, about soul-biking…, You’ll understand everything.
It is sailing somewhere on page 2 for the moment.
The author was Ralph124c.

I can not comment on Chechenia, because I sit her in the middle of the propaganda-shit. Onesided, some I think is true, everything I can’t swallow, not getting so much info in reality.
Have met some, but I do not want to tell about a whole country relaying on some guys I’ve seen and spoken to.

I have to run, but I’ll write something, even if there is so much, and I do not know where to begin…

P.S. I was traveling (not only soul-biking) for a month, that’s why I was gone.

Henry

164

5’1 to 6’1 ain’t such a big thing

just do it on a stoop or somethin’.

I still stand by my “at least make it LOOK spontaneous” idea.

particularly if he’s shy-ish.

I guess what i mean is don’t set up a dynamic where he feels pressured or YOU feel pressured. just find a “window” in the normal course of the date.

Going to see a tattoo art show tonight with ATG… this will be our first date since the “bad” date, but we’ve talked and written a ton since then so i think we are both hopefull that it was just an off night.

And i had ONE cigarette last night, which i don’t feel too bad about, but today I am back into it. 1 cigarette in 48 hours is a step up from 20 or so every 16-18 hours.

good luck, Eva
Chris

165

Henry B, I took a look at your post in the other thread…it is just waaaaaay too deep and abstract for me to absorb on this little sleep (damn insomnia again!), so I’ll have to try again tomorrow morning.

I am still interested in your thoughts on the Chechen thread as well as this one, however. I fully realize that the information you have is biased, but that’s precisely why I was interested…just tell me where your information is from, and I’ll do my best to filter out the biases.

And now back to our regularly scheduled dating advice/gossip thread…Bad Hat, good luck to you, too, and don’t get any holes punched in yourself without thinking long and hard about it first! As for me, I’ll try my best to be relaxed and spontaneous. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep enough tonight to form coherent sentences in the morning…of course, my best guy buddy has his own ideas about what kind of remedy I should try for stress relief so I can sleep. Sadly, he’s probably right.

166

Well, if he is as shy as I was (and still am), it may be years before (a) happens, no matter what you do. Therefore, you may be stuck with (b). So how do you get the nerve? Darned if I know; I had to be pushed just to ask the woman who is now my wife out in the first place. I never did get up the nerve to make a real move. Fortunately for me, she had more than enough nerve for both of us.

Maybe it would help to keep two ideas in mind. First, if you want something to happen, you may have to make the first real move. Do you really want something to happen? Then make it happen. You have the power. You can do it. (Those of you who have no literal cojones have a great deal of power over most of us who do. This is your chance to use that power.)

Second, if he likes you very much, and if he is anywhere nearly as lonely and frustrated as shy single guys generally are, he is not likely to be scared off. Quite the contrary. Be sure you really want this guy, because once that barrier is torn down, it may be difficult to rebuild it.

167

Well, I guess he must like me on some levels, because among other things, we have yet to have a conversation which lasted less than an hour. And that one was when I called him last night for what I thought would be a 5-minute conversation to arrange the details for meeting tomorrow night, plus he was at work, and I kept saying stuff like “hey, I should let you go and get back to your debugging so you can go home at a decent hour.” Other than that time, the shortest conversation we’ve had was 2 hours, which was the one when we finally hooked up by phone the first time, and that one was immediately followed by a four-hour in-person conversation. So hey, at least if we ever manage to smooch, etc., nobody can ever accuse us of having a relationship based entirely on sex!

The one remaining variable that I haven’t yet raised here (although I have with my 2 guy friends) is that I have absolutely no idea what his recent rmantic history has been. I don’t think he’s dating anyone else at the moment; if he is, she’d have to be insanely spontaneous, because when he was proposing weekend activities, he gave me options that basically covered the entire weekend. He did, however, mention that he’d placed a Reader ad himself a couple of months ago and spent an insanely hectic couple of weeks going on coffee dates; he said it had been a lot of fun, but just too much to handle after a while, and that he hadn’t particularly clicked with anyone on the romantic level. But for all I know, he got out of some insanely intense long-term thing not long before that.

168

Ah yes, the elusive “romantic history”…

Tricky one that. I was telling ATG about this thread the other day and came very close to telling her what board i post at, and then realized, i wasn’t really sure i wanted her to read about thelma/louise just yet, so i have refrained. (additionally i decided against telling her about the Dope (by name) all together, as this thread has become sort of my diary for our relationship)

The point there i that i don’t want my recent dating history to come into play in her mind just yet, cuz I don’t think its germaine to our relationship. She knows about the Ex (bitch), because i felt that was probably worth her knowing. and it also established that i am capable of a relationship, and by telling her its been over for several months, it also tells her I’m not on the rebound.

Exactly what transpired during that rebound is none of her business, nor is what she’s been up to since her last serious relationship any of mine.

I think those details are more important, at least early on- arguably ALWAYS- than the ins and outs of our little affairs and flings. Don’t asume he isn’t seeing anybody else if you guys haven’t kissed yet. Hell don’t even assume it THEN, but if it does happen, (the smoochies), I’d give it another week of smoochieness and then have a talk about such things.

If you ask him before theres any smoochin’, in my opinion you risk looking a lil presumptuous/pushy (i know i know, it sucks, but i think its probably true). So just try to not worry about it, until you have established that his territory is infact yours for the pissin’.

(Man, is anybody writing this stuff down? I think three of my proudest turns of phrase in my entire SDMB career appear right here in this thread)

in ATG news. had a GREAT night tonight, thereby establishing that tuesday night was in fact a fluke. Went to the Tattoo show, had sushi, then watched Moonstruck at her place. Good flick, i had never seen it.

We started off both just sittin’ on her couch kind of loosely entwined of hand, and then a half hour into it, I shifted slightly and she collapsed her head onto my chest and we lie ther on her couch, me on my back, her head on my chest and one arm around me while i stroked her hair and shoulder. I like this chick.

Chris (commencing aflutterness)

169

dudes

where did everybody go? this is the deadest weekend for this thread since it started.

:::sniffing my armpits::::

hmmm

::::checking teeth for spinache::::

hmmm

did i say somethin’?

170

Well, Bad Hat, I’m just living vicariously through everyone else’s adventures. I don’t seem to be having a lot of luck with my Nerve.com personals yet. So, although I’ve been eagerly tuning in to this thread, I don’t have anything exciting to report yet.

Maybe everyone else is just out having fun? Or they are too, um, exhausted by the fun they’ve been having to post here. . . :wink: I say, keep it coming though, it at least gives me hope to see other people having some luck!

171

Ummmm…guys…I’m sorry I’ve been so neglectful, but, ummm…my typing fingers have been busy…

Suffice it to say I don’t think we need to call him Dude #2 anymore, because he’s definitely #1 in my book! (He is a real sweetie-pie, and a perfect gentleman, before your filthy minds run out of control. He could have gotten away with much more than he actually did. As I said, the perfect guy for a “take it sloooooow” campaign.)

He just left an hour ago…and that was only because he didn’t want to disappoint his 5-year-old niece, whose birthday is today.

I highly recommend Sock Puppet Showgirls; last night was the end of the run at Noble Fool, but they said they’ll be back in a couple of weeks. Of ocurse, I would have to run into one of my co-workers there…

And who would have guessed the seductive powers of Klezmer Nutcracker, Georgian polyphony, and the Rachmaninoff Vespers?

Well, more later…right now, I want to make very good friends with a very large cup of coffee.
Eva Luna, with shit-faced grin

172

So guys, what’s the deal? 24 hours with no posts? Is it something I said?

I just want to tell you all how much I appreciate everyone’s advice and good wishes, and that it’s all working out swimmingly, but there’s nobody there, apparently, to receive the compliments! Or maybe everyone else is too busy to post for the same reason that I was?

173

I was waiting for gory details.

and also trying to make some sense of my situation, which is going ok, i suppose, but is for some reason less than stellar.

After the bad date, we had a good date friday night, then last night (sunday) she had a BBQ at her place which i attended. A god time was had, but i mostly spent the time meeting and hanging out with her friends, as she was busy being a hostest. This is perfectly understandable. I had a good time

I stayed and helped everybody clean up and went up to her apartment afterwards, and we alternated between making out and awkward “what are we doing?” chatter. Not so much “what are we doing making out?” chatter, but like more general “why are we vacillating between hot and not so frequenctly?”

So good satisfactory answers were found, and i left late-ish, having had a pleasant enough, but not entirely satisfying evening. I just feel ill-at-ease, and wish that- for the life of me- i could figure out why.

But enough of that…

I want details!!!

Chris

174

that last paragraph shold have started

“No good satisfactory answers were found…”

yeah. kind of a big difference.

c

175

We’re still hoping you will tell us what “He could have gotten away with much more than he actually did” means.

[sub] Even if it is none of our business.[/sub]

176

[sarcastic mode]
I love it.
[/sarcastic mode]
A three hour gap, and then a virtual simulpost.

Bad Hat, are you missing Thelma/Louise? You did seem to have something going there.

177

hmmm.

I think i miss the idea of thelma/louise, and truthfully there was a really cool first date there. but 2 (insurmountable, i think)problems…

  1. TL wasn’t physically terribly attractive to me. I don’t want to be an asshole, and thats why i never mentioned it earlier, but in truth, i’m comfortable enough to admit that now. I don’t judge PEOPLE by thier weight or shape, but i’d be lying if i pretended they didn’t play into my attractions to people. I’ve liked all sorts of body types, but hers left me kinda cold, and the really awkward part of that was that it was only undressed that it became an issue. But its sort of hard to sustain enthusiasm for somebody for whom you have to actively “concentrate” to keep it up. (so to speak). ther I said it. I hope nobody thinks i am horrible now.

  2. TL got really syruppy and sweet and dewey eyed the SECOND we got back to her place. and it only got worse after the “deed”.

So i dunno if i’ll be going back ther anytime.

As far as ATG, we just had a “breaking it off, this just feels wierd” email exchange, and i feel a bit of relief there. I wish we had figured it out, and who knows, we left it on very pleasant, mutually satisfactory terms, so maybe its just a matter of timing. who knows.

These situations are as good as any I can think of at illustrating a good cautionary tale agaisnt moving too fast. TL and i did it exactly WRONG and ATG and I, having not slept together or done anything else stupid in the week-plus since we first went out, were able to calmly and rationally extract ourselves from an uncomfortable situation without the drama that sex brings into the picture.

but for now, file me back under “WHy can’t i like the nice, stable ones, damnit?”

Signed
Chris (back on the chain gang)

178

Hmmmmm, how much gory detail can I provide without being the sort of girl who kisses and tells?

Well, then, here goes:

a) Nobody screwed anyone’s brains out (at least not while I was in the room!). This was just fine by me, as I think I was too quick in my last relationship to do that. Not that I regretted it, either at the time or now, but I’m still left wondering (more than a year later) if I had waited longer, if my objectivity would have remained somewhat clearer where he was concerned, such that I might have been better able to see his other issues before I got so emotionally entangled that I couldn’t see anything at all beyond how insanely attracted I was to him.

Ah, but this is like a general fighting the last war. Forget the last war; that one is definitely over, and although I wish my ex were able to deal with being friends, he obviously isn’t right now. So on to the future.

b) No quick smooches across the bow to establish territory, either. Sometimes inspirations come to me at 4:00 in the morning, and I thought of something that would create even less pressure. We were listening to the aforementioned weird ethnic music of various sorts, and I was showing him my photo album of various parts of the former Soviet Union that I’ve been to…neither of us has been sleeping well lately (all that tension!), so by the time we got to the end of the album, he was lying face-up on my livingroom carpet with his eyes shut, saying that he really ought to go home, but not making any concrete move to do so.
Even with his eyes closed, he still looked tense, like something was on his mind, which I remarked on, and said that there was something my mom used to do to me and my sister when we were little which I had always found very relaxing (absolutely true, BTW). “What is it?” he asked. Well, she used to have me lie on the floor in front of her, with her sitting cross-legged behind my head, and she would very lightly trace her fingers all around my face and neck, so lightly that I could barely feel it. It would put me into this very relaxed, trancelike meditative state. I offered to try it on him, thinking that not only would it a) relax him, and b) keep him from leaving, but would c) break down the touch barrier.

Well, it worked. I was tracing his face, leaning over him with my eyes closed, I have no idea for how long, and he was looking pretty darn blissed-out. He decided to reciprocate, but it’s one of those activities that works much better from facing downward, so he asked me to switch positions and lie down next to him.

Well, without going into too many gory details, things escalated, and by the time I realized what was going on, we’d gone through 2 more entire albums on my CD changer, and the sun was shining brightly in the sky, as it was 7:30 am Sunday morning. We decided to go crash and go to sleep for a while (fully clothed, BTW), but of course my best guy buddy called at 10:00 to be debriefed on my date, and took about 3/4 of a second to figure out what had happened from the grogginess of my voice when I picked up the phone. All I remember of that conversation was his hysterical gales of laughter when he made the realization that my “date” wasn’t over yet.

c) We cuddled a while, I made some breakfast (with the aforementioned HUGE cup of coffee), and then he left for a family party, where he got a major load of good-natured flak, as well, let’s just say it was pretty apparent from looking at him why he was late for the party and what he’d been up to. Apparently I’m going to have to convince his brother-in-law, the academic, that I’m not some sort of cheap floozy, even though the Guy Formerly Known as Dude #2 made his best effort, along the lines of “she’s not a floozy; she has degrees and stuff!” And once my academic credentials were recited, the brother-in-law apparently decided that I’m a scholar, not a floozy, which I thought was pretty damn funny (I never did think the two were mutually exclusive!).

Well, in short, I really like him, and it appears to be mutual, and we have plans to get together tomorrow night after an after-work meeting thingie I have to go to, and maybe rent a movie or something…now that we’ve both gotten a halfway decent night’s sleep. Last night’s thunderstorms woke me up at about 3:30 am, but somehow I felt both calm and energized today, like all is once again right with the universe…
So I hope this is enough salacious detail for you guys! I have a really good feeling about this one…

Bad Hat, so the thing with ATB is kaput? Or are you just taking a breather? I’m confused…it started off with such promise! Well, hope you can climb back in the saddle soon.

Good night, all!

Eva Luna, with still a hint of shit-faced grin, even though I haven’t seen him in person since early Sunday afternoon…

179

Not I. I think you are human.

I think it is wrong to judge how good an engineer, or computer programmer, or doctor, or artist someone is by his or her physical attractiveness. These things should be judged by how well the person does the job, not what the person looks like.

But when it comes to sex, while there is a place for rational considerations, it’s really an animal function. The instinctive reason for sex is to preserve ones genes by having babies who will be healthy enough to pass those genes on for many generations to come. The animals who chose their mates correctly have descendents living today, and those who did not are extinct. (Yes, I am over-simplifying.)

Obviously, it is possible to become aroused and reach climax under circumstances which could not possibly lead to pregnancy. Nevertheless, I contend that it is easier for most men to reach both of those stages if their bodies can be convinced by tactile and visual clues that the possibility of healthy babies exists. Part of what the animal side of the man is looking for is the appearance of the ability to bear and nourish babies, and part is the probability that those babies will grow into healthy adults.

Some of what an animal looks for is actually counter-productive (look at the tail feathers on some species of birds of paradise, for example) and, in humans, physical attractiveness is influenced by the culture in which we are raised, but the basic idea is still the same.

So it may not be rational, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Or to put it another way, if she doesn’t turn you on now, how are you going to make her happy in bed when you both are twenty or thirty years older than you are now?

I am sorry that neither of these women seems to be Miss Right, but hang in there. Your day will come.

Please tell us you found a way to let Thelma/Louise down gently.

180

Ah, new love, ain’t it grand!

When the woman who is now my wife and I were first going together, I grinned so much that my face hurt. I kid you not.