Why do I always fall for his lies? (maybe a little long)

The BBQ Pit
1

My ex husband is a pathological liar. I don’t mean I think he is a liar because I’m bitter or anything like that…he is an actual liar.

Some background. I married him. Huge mistake. Found out a little later that I was Wife #2…he failed to mention to me there had ever been a Wife #1. Then come to find out he lied about where he was born, how old he was, several debts he had, etc.

After our son was born I had to have his birth certificate amended due to all of the false information my ex had given at the hospital. Yes…I was pregnant when we got married. One of those stupid mistakes I made 2 days before my 21st birthday. He was a lot older than me and I thought it would work out, etc. All the usual cliche stuff people say about what they thought would happen…

About a year into the marriage I decided this was no way to live so I packed up and took our son and left. A week after doing this I found out the ex had opened a credit card using my name and social security number and racked up close to $3,000 on it.

My lawyer attempted to go after him for this debt and the ex called me and said if I let it go that he would give me full and complete custody of our son. So, in essence, our son was worth $3,000 to him. Bastard.

Anyway, this is all water under the bridge but you need to know it in order to understand.

Jump 5 years down the road to 5 months ago, the ex and I don’t speak to one another unless it has something to do with our son. He has standard visitation rights to him and I NEVER speak badly about him in front of my son. NEVER. Honestly…not the first time. I refuse to hurt my child over his father. He will figure out what kind of person he is when he gets older…no need for me to try and color his opinion.

The ex calls me about 5 months ago and tells me that he really needs to talk to me about something but he wants me to call him back when I’m not at work or when I have enough free time that we can talk. I call him. He tells me he is dying from some kind of liver disease. Tells me that they have tried every kind of drug, all sorts of things and the only thing that might work is a transplant so he is going on the list.

I am in shock. He tells me he is not going to discuss it with our son and when the time comes for him to be told that he will let me handle it however I feel is best. I ask him why he is telling me all of this and he says that he is getting his affairs in order and needs some information on our son in order to make sure he is provided for in case something drastic happens. Primarily, his social security number.

I hesitate…this is the same asshole that made me take him to court FOUR times to get child support worked out AFTER he lied about his income. This is the same asshole that drug me into court when I was 7 months pregnant with my second son all because he missed the first 2 court dates. I tell him that I have a big problem trusting anything he says and that I am not so sure he needs to have the number.

He breaks down on the phone and tells me that I have done a terrific job raising our son and that he respects all that I have done basically on my own. That he just doesn’t know what to do…blah.blah.blah.

I tell him I need to think over everything. I talk to Sauron and my parents and we all decide that maybe facing death has finally gotten this guy to realize some of the hurtful things he has done.

I call him back the next day and give him the number and tell him how sorry I am that he is going through this and that I wish him luck.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do not care if this man drops off of the planet or not. I am apathetic…I went through the hurt, the betrayal, the bitterness but I moved on. Met Sauron and found out what it is to be truly loved by someone.

I have heard nothing else about this whole mysterious liver disease until today.

I get a short email…

"Aries,

No need to worry about any liver stuff anymore. Got on the last leg of a new drug testing that has come out and all seems to be going fine. My levels are back to normal. "

What the fuck? Hey…I’m dying. Oh, nevermind…all is well. No need to worry.

For the last 5 months I have thought about this and what it might mean for my son. I have thought about how I would handle telling him. I have thought about how I felt about this person and my attitude towards him.

He actually had me feeling sorry for him and feeling down on myself for all of the past and the anger I had.

Now I don’t know whether I believe him or not. I am terrified he is going to pull something…whenever things seem calm he always pops up with something new.

WHY did I ever even believe him in the first place? He was probably lying about the whole thing for some new, sick, twisted thing I’ll find out about months from now that I’ll have to straighten out.

Am I just overreacting or would you be worried about this?

2

I don’t think you’re overreacting. The liver disease thing sounds like a lie to me, based on the follow up email. Anyone who would lie about dying either to get his son’s social security number (for who knows what reason) or just get sympathy is seriously fucked up.

I think it’s fantastic that you don’t ever badmouth your ex to your son – more people should put their kids first like that. However, at some point you may want to gently let your son know that his father sometimes says things that aren’t completely true, just so he has some warning.

3

Honestly? I’d be worried. What did he need the SS number for exactly? That’s the part that would alarm me. I’ll bet he’s illegally collecting some kind of benefit or tax thing on him.

4

I don’t have to…when he was 4 during preschool he told his teacher, “My Daddy sometimes tells fibs a lot.”

Sad. Very, very sad. At 4 he knew his dad lied.

I’m no saint by any measure but I don’t understand people who try to turn their kids against the other parent. I try to do damage control as best as I can but I don’t ever say anything to my son directly. He will be 7 in the fall and I think he is well adjusted, given how things turned out.

Plus, he has a fantastic step-dad to make up for it. :wink:

5

Definitely check with a lawyer just so you can figure out what he might be planning that would require your sons SS#, just to be on the safe side.

It’s good you found somebody…good. (Even if he is the dark lord)

6

Does your son share a name with his father?

If so, pull a credit report on your son, it should be completely blank. If there have been any checks, or bills put on there, you need to work on getting them removed right away.

Often parents will use their children’s social security numbers to get credit, as they know that the debts will fall off in 7 years, before the kids are old enough to know about it.

~J

7

He got the W2 from his job, was filling out his 1040 and decided he needed a dependent and a nice child tax credit. You already claimed your son on your tax return, no? Call the IRS. Don’t warn your ex; else he’ll call first and make up a story.

I suggest you do this right away, as if this happened and you both claimed that child tax credit thing on him, the IRS may be too confused to send you a check in a month or two.

With that sort of attitude, you can’t have fun fantasizing about a stint in federal prison for him! :smiley:

(on preview) I like Jaade’s idea, too!

8

I would contact both the IRS and the Social Security Administration and let them know what is going on. You not only do not want him getting to the IRS first if he is claiming a deduction to which he is not entitled (thus putting you on the defensive if the IRS comes asking questions), you also don’t want him screwing up your son’s future FICA history.

9

I think you will find out that your son has a few major bills on his credit report.

10

Aries28, from what I know of you, you believe your husband because you are a decent, moral, honorable person, and down deep you expect other people to be the same way. There’s no shame in that. Heck, I grumble about wolves all the time, but I fall into the same trap. You’re a Christian, for God’s sake, :wink: and more than one in name only. You and I believe in sin and consequences, and we sincerely believe in trying to live our lives committing as little sin as possible, and I for one, still don’t fully understand why or how some people can continue to knowingly do wrong or act dishonorably. Even when my life was at its worst, I still couldn’t understand why people did the things they did, even though I had little choice but to accept that they did. For me, one advantage of having a “personal relationship with Christ” to drag out a cliche, is that I reserve the right to rant and grumble to God about stuff like this. It may be only a “Jedi mind trick”, to haul out a different cliche, but it works. As a song by Meatloaf goes, “It ain’t right, it ain’t fair./ Castles fall in the sand and we fade in the air!” This is what particularly bugs me about people like your ex-husband, televangelists, etc. They prey on the best of people, using their virtues to wound them.

So, since I seem to be operating in full Christian mode this morning, liberal one though I am, I’m going to sic the words of Christ on you, Matthew 10:16, King James Version: “Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.” In other words, as others here have said, let the IRS and the SSA know what’s happened, check your son’s credit reports, and otherwise be careful. Sauron, loving husband that you are, I assume you’re reading this. Support your wife in this, and help her, and both of you remember what this man is like. Whatever religion he does or does not profess, he is not an ethical person, at least by any standard of ethics you or I am familiar with, unless you count self-interest. Next time he tells you something, especially something involving money, don’t do a thing for him until and unless you get it verified by an independent 3rd party. In a case like this, I’d want to talk to his doctor, and I’d make sure that the person is a doctor, not a buddy of his he’d talked into putting on a white coat (such a person could still be a doctor). As a less-exalted Christian said, “Love your neighbor and cut the cards.”

I am sorry you’re going through this, and, if you don’t feel like ranting to God, I’ll at least throw out a hug if you’re interested. It isn’t easy confronting an unjust world or unjust people, especially then it’s someone you trusted. I wish it were otherwise.

CJ

11

Aries, if you had not given your ex your son’s SSN, chances are he could have gotten it elsewhere, from a health insurance card, school document, or something similar. No need to kick yourself.

The advice to check your son’s credit report would apply even if the bogus liver disease incident had never happened.

Sauron… :swoon: :cool:

12

Thanks for all of the feedback. I will probably order a credit report on my son’s SSN just to be safe. I really hope I am just being paranoid.

When the ex asked for the SSN he claimed it was to make sure our son was shown as a dependent on his life insurance policy and in order to do that he had to have the number. I have checked and NOW found out that this isn’t always true.

I have always claimed my son on taxes and Sauron handles his health insurance and has since we married. My ex has never had health insurance on my son because he had this nasty habit of changing jobs so I convinced the court that it made no sense for me to have to keep going through that every few months. They agreed and figured in insurance costs into his child support.

I really do try not to let him push my buttons because all it ever did was make me miserable and upset over things I can’t control.

I have told him numerous times that I’m over all that happened and it’s ancient history to me as long as he does right by my son.

The minute I think he is hurting him in any way will be when I become not so apathetic.

13

You have NO idea! :wink: He is great. If I could be half as good of a step-parent to his children as he is to mine I would be happy.

He has his moments but he restored my faith in good guys being out there.

14

Get thee to a lawyer, quick.

Is there a way to change one’s SSN?

15

Oh, and for future reference, I would refer any requests from him to your lawyer.

You need to have some buffer between your ex and you and your son.

16

Aries28, I agree that you should check your son’s credit reports. You should get one from each of the three reporting agencies and you can do it over the phone:
Experian - 1-888-397-3742
Trans Union - 1-800-888-4213
Equifax - 1-800-997-2493

Since you are concerned that there is possible fraud on the account(s), you are entitled to one free report from each service. The automated systems are pretty easy to use and you should get ther reports in about 1-2 weeks.

Also, I second the idea of contacting the IRS and making sure they know you are the one entitled to use your son as a dependant (and not the ex).

Hope it turns out well and we are all just over reacting (which isn’t a bad thing) :slight_smile:

17

Folks, thanks for all the advice and support. Both Aries28 and I appreciate it.

I am far from an ideal mate, but thankfully I’m following this idiot in the lineup. I could sell wheelchairs stolen from neonatal intensive care units as a profession and still come out on top in a comparison.

We’ll follow up with the SSA and the IRS. Fortunately, Aries28 has the original divorce agreement and all subsequent correspondence that clearly shows her ex has no legal right to custody or anything else regarding our son. Also on the plus side, the ex asked for the SSN information some months ago, before the administration and the IRS announced the details of the upcoming tax break. So I don’t think he’s angling for a $400 check from Uncle Sam.

However, he could be using the SSN to falsely establish credit. He IS in the process of buying a house …

18

This thread is fascinating …

In other words, please keep us updated on what this doofus is up to. Even if it’s months later and you have to revive an inactive thread.

19

The kid is what, six? Seven? WTF good would having a seven year old linked to your loan application have? Any bank who doesn’t investigate the applicants enough to establish something as simple as their freaking AGE really has no business issuing loans, especially home loans!

Enjoy,
Steven

PS: You may know this, but it is possible to order an online credit report. I recently got one from Experian(lost my wallet, some jerk tried to use my credit cards and get a cell phone, figured it was a good idea to check the credit report. Everything looks fine so far) and it had data from all three credit agencies. Costs about thirty bucks and you get it in just a few minutes.

20

Small update…some of the folks at the credit bureaus are not exactly helpful. Here is a transcript of one such call I placed this morning:

Me: Yes, good morning. I have reason to believe that my son’s SSN might have been used to establish false credit for my ex-husband. I need to see about ordering a report to check this out. What do you need from me?

Friendly Customer Service Lady: Son’s Name, SSN, DOB, addresses for the last five years.

I give her this information. She comes back on the line.

FCSL: I can’t locate a report using this data. I am going to need your son on the phone to verify some of his personal informaiton.

Me: Uhhh…he is only 6. I’m not sure what good it will do to speak with him as he probably won’t know the answers to most of your questions.

FCSL: sigh Ma’am, if he is only 6 years old then he can’t have a credit report. You can only establish credit once you reach age 18.

Me: sigh Yes…I am aware of that. Maybe I didn’t make myself clear. I have reason to believe his father might have used his SSN in order to open an account. I, being his parent, want to put a stop to this if it has indeed happened so I need to order a report to find out if anything shows up on it.

FSCL: Yes…I understand but if he is only 6 years old then he can’t have credit. You have to be 18.

Me: Okay…let me try again. I know you can’t legally have credit until you are 18. I think his asshole of a father might have given his SSN to open up a credit card and then use it for his own benefit. My son isn’t trying to get credit. He doesn’t know what credit is. He doesn’t know how to tie his shoes, let alone charge anything. He thinks money comes out of the the walls at the ATM at the bank because of “magic”. He still believes in the Easter Bunny and wears footy pajamas to bed at night. He isn’t trying to establish any credit.

FSCL: OHHHH!!! Okay…then you need to talk to someone in the fraud department.

Me: I thought that is where I called. On your website under the section entitled “If you think you might be a victim of fraud, call this number” it gave the number that I called where you, oh, Friendly Customer Service Lady answered.

FCSL: Really? Well, that’s the wrong number. Let me try to connect you.

At which point I was disconnected.

sigh