There’s a secretary here who, I swear, one day I’m going to smack…hard. In the past three months she’s made the following observations about me.
1) I’m rich
I got told this little gem because, among other things, I never know when payday is. She’ll express relief that the upcoming Friday is payday and because I don’t know that it is, I must be rich.
I’ve asked her if she want to tag along to pick up lunch on, for example, a Wednesday prior to payday she’s replied she can’t because she doesn’t have any money. She then hits me with the, “It must be nice…” statement. God, but I hate that shit.
Heaven forbid I go shopping during lunch and leave my shopping bags visible. If I shop during the week of payday, I have to hide my bags under my desk! I learned that lesson when she walked by my office one day and there was a bag from the Gap next to my desk. She stops and wants to know what’s in the bag after commenting that was the second time that week I’d gone shopping. I tell her there are clothes for the kids in the bag. Again with the it-must-be-nice shit.
2) I’m a snob
She was telling me that she had a tube of lipstick to return and complained because it sucks she can’t try it on first. I said, in a moment of blinding ignorance, “Sure you can. Just ask the gal behind the counter to wipe off the first layer of lipstick and allow you to use a lipstick brush.” (I thought the reason she couldn’t try it on was because she had an aversion to using lipstick others have used.) She rolled her eyes and said she buys her lipstick from Rite-Aid or CVS and not all of us can afford to shop at the Clinique counter. Never mind I don’t shop at the Clinique counter but I got her point.
She also gives me compliment, immediately followed by a snide remark. “Oh, that’s a nice purse. I bet it cost a hundred dollars or something.” Well, if you must know, it was more than that but thanks just the same. Bitch. Of course, I don’t tell her that, I just say I caught it on sale.
3) I eat funny food
This was the result of inviting her to the Indian food lunch buffet one day. She tells me she doesn’t eat curry. I tell her they have many non-curried dishes. Like a five-year old she wrinkles her nose and tells me I eat funny food.
"You eat funny food,” she said.
So as of late, I’ve not initiated any conversations with her. Today, however, was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Let me tell you, that’s been one strong camel, too.
She comes into my office and starts whining that she bounced a check. She complains that she has to pay two fees, one charged by her banking institution and another charged by the store to which she submitted the check. Why does the store charge thirty five dollars for a bounced check fee, she wants to know. I know I should have just kept my mouth shut, smiled and nodded but, well, I not a bite-your-tongue kind of gal.
I told her the store’s bank charges them when a check is returned. Why should the store eat that charge, I asked her. She thinks the store’s bank doesn’t charge them thirty-five dollars and they’re (get this) attempting to make a profit (!!!) off people who bounce checks. I told her that, even if the bank charges them less than thirty-five dollars for returned checks, they still have to process the notification to her that her check has been returned. She huffs something along the lines that she bets I never bounce a check and I just don’t understand.
For Christ’s sake, lady, if you don’t like me and you think I’m such a snob, STOP TALKING TO ME. No one else does this but you. I’m friendly with some of the other secretaries and no one does this shit but you. It ceased being funny a while ago.
I’d like to say that, although I’m particular about where I shop, I couldn’t give a flying fuck about where other people shop. Where you spend your money is your business, not mine. I’m not going to think any less of you based on where you shop. It’s not because I’m a nice person it’s because I don’t care.
