I was fascinated by this study:
"Noting that single women often complain that “all the good men are taken,” the psychologists wondered if “this perception is really based on the fact that taken men are perceived as good.” To investigate, the researchers quizzed male and female undergraduates — some involved in romantic relationships, some unattached — about their ideal romantic partner.
Next, each of the experimental subjects was told that he or she had been matched by a computer with a like-minded partner, and each was shown a photo of an attractive person of the opposite sex. (All the women saw the same photo, as did all the men.) Half of the subjects were told that their match was already romantically involved with someone else, while the other half were told that their match was unattached. Then the subjects were all asked how interested they were in their match.
To the men in the experiment, and to the women who were already in relationships, it didn’t make a significant difference whether their match was single or attached. But single women showed a distinct preference for mate poaching. When the man was described as unattached, 59 percent of the single women were interested in pursuing him. When that same man was described as being in a committed relationship, 90 percent were interested. " Do Single Women Seek Attached Men?
Why do so many men with girlfriends flirt and/or not bother to mention they’re attached until well after getting another woman’s interest? Psych experiments aside, a lot of attached men are not innocent victims of other women’s interest - they encourage it.
Well, the article mentioned the two possibilities that immediately came to my mind:
If the guy is currently involved, then that implies that he’s not just good looking, but also appealing in other ways. If he were an ass, he’d be less likely to be in a relationship. (I’m not saying this is statistically the case, just that some women might assume so.)
And relatedly, if the guy is currently involved, then women can infer that he’s interested in having a relationship, and isn’t just looking for a fling.
If a woman is insecure about her ability to find or maintain a happy relationship, she may direct her desires toward “unavailable” men, so that she never has to take the risk.
It might be because men are more confident when they are with someone. I know that I’ve had an easier time meeting and interacting with women when I’m in a relationship. There’s two factors in play: I’m (on average) feeling better about myself when I’m in a (good) relationship, so I’m more likely to be friendly, upbeat, full of energy, etc. Also, it takes the pressure off. No matter what happens with this woman in front of me, I’ve got someone to go home to. I don’t get rejected because I’m not asking for anything.
I have no doubt that some of this increased confidence comes off as flirting, although that’s not my intention.
Of course, none of this has anything to do with the behavior of women in this experiment. There was no real man to flirt with in the first place, just a picture and a description.
My guess is that the women are looking for qualities that you can’t see in a picture, and the only way they have of evaluating these qualities is by whether the man is attached. On the other hand, the men are more superficial, and just judge the women on what they can see in the picture
Well, in my experience, a woman’s attraction to a man can increase or decrease quite a bit depending on his level of interest, while men more often focus on their own opinions.
So, if a woman knows that this mystery date is in a relationship, then she can assume that, at very least, he’s not opposed to relationships. If he were to break up with his current girlfrient and then meet her (the experiement participant), then all other things being equal, he would probably be open to the idea of getting to know her. So he can be construed to have some level of interest, while an unattached guy might not.
A man, looking at this same situation, would be less likely to care one way or the other about whether this woman would actually date him; the question is simply whether he finds her attractive.
And if a woman is in a relationship, then it wouldn’t matter to her if the mystery man were interested in her or not, because there’s no possibility of it going anywhere, so she can also treat it as a pure hypothetical.
Because single men that might actually show interest are Scary and Threatening, while involved men who don’t have any interest are Safe and Approachable.
[Bitter Cynic Mode OFF]
Yeah, I know, that’s right up there with “Women Don’t Want Nice Guys” but I’m feeling grumpy about relationships today.
I think the “pre-screening” explanation is the most sensible answer. I don’t think it applies to all women, but I think it applies to the biggest portion of those who go after attached guys. Anyway, as far as I know I’ve never had a single woman try to poach me. I’m not sure what that proves, though.
Of course, the blog post doesn’t quote the old saw in full. It’s not just “all the good ones are taken,” it’s “all the good ones are taken or gay.” Maybe that carries some additional implications about the reputation gay guys have for being well-groomed and staying in shape.
You know, it occurs to me that I haven’t heard any women say “all the good ones are taken” in at least a couple of years. Maybe they grew up and realized how dumb it was, or maybe I’ve stopped hanging around with women who think like that.
Or maybe the rise of internet dating has something to do with it.
Any reasonably attractive and intelligent woman can put up a profile on match.com and receive responses from lots of guys who could be described as good ones. Whether she’s attracted to them and whether they’re really “good” after she gets to know him a little bit is another story.
In other words, she now has ample evidence that the problem is that she’s having trouble finding somebody compatible, not that there is a lack of suitable men out there.
Compare that to, say, 15 years ago. Most of the men she has access to are ones in her social/family circle and at work. And most of the “good ones” there might indeed be taken. I mean, I work with metric boatloads of guys–nice guys, smart, reasonably good looking, etc. They’re ALL married. If I were looking for a man and it was before the online dating age, I might be saying the same thing.
Possibly. But I wasn’t dating 15 years ago, and I’ve heard “all the good ones are taken” much more recently than that. I don’t think complaining has gone out of fashion.
Jeez, I was just trying to offer one possible explanation for an apparent societal change. Did I really need to specify that “it’s possible that as internet dating has become more widespread and socially acceptable, that the ‘all the good ones are taken’ meme has begun to die out?”
This has been the case with the women I know who’ve “dated” married/attached men, with a little “he’s risking his marriage for me – I’m special!” thrown in.
