I like it when people pick my brains and ask me why I do what I do. It’s cool that such people have enough interest and curiousity to spark a conversation about whatever topic they want to know more information about. It also means that they are open-minded, and not just willing to jump to conclusions and form dumb assumptions. Another big reason l like it when people probe (ha ha) it gives me a chance to argue my case and gain supporters.
Apparently not everyone thinks that way and that makes it hard for me as an interviewer and as a single person approaching women.
Over the years I have interviewed people for various reasons. Some were school assignments and others were for personal projects. Some people it’s like pulling teeth getting any meaningful answers out of them. The question they tend to stall on is what got them interested in blank profession, subculture, fetish, etc. I either get lame answers, a bout of silence, a change of subject, or in extreme cases they got offended and blew me off completely.
And there’s bars and parties where I converse with women. When I’m talking to a new girl, I like to ask her what’s her type. I usually can get her to open up to that question. But when I ask “why”, things do not end well. I also love polling men and straight women similar questions. Again, sometimes it doesn’t end well. I’m just very curious about what people are attracted to, regardless if I’m interested in dating them or not. It can spark a very interesting conversation with those who are open to such duscussion. Also, you can tell a lot about a person by knowing what kind of people they are attracted to and why.
Well, why are some people so tight-lipped about their lives? Is there any way these people can be opened up?
Some people just aren’t that introspective. They may not like ‘why’ questions because they don’t really know themselves or can’t articulate their reasons well. You have this weird fascination with subcultures and fetishes. Those certainly don’t apply to everyone. People that have a true fetish may have no idea why they do.
Ohhh…I forgot to add. My mother, who is quite religious, has stopped going to church. Everytime I ask her about it, she gets angry and asks me why I haven’t been going to church.
Some people have a sense of dignity and modesty, and with this comes some discretion about the things they are willing to disclose and talk about.
Some people are automatically skeptical when someone proclaims their question to be one of idle curiosity. Maybe they have a history of being judged harshly.
Some people simply don’t like “why” kinds of questions. Maybe they often don’t know why or it takes them a long time to think about it. Maybe they think a “why” question is a little too intense from someone they don’t know. Maybe the answer is complicated, and they don’t think you’re sophisticated enough to handle complicated answers.
Maybe there’s something creepy about the way you ask “why”.
I also enjoy hearing reasons and motives but seldom go there for the same reasons you just brought up. I have a lot of fun in a conversation when all those involved are open to discussing things in this manner.
Some people think its none of your damn business. I personally think speaking about subjective things pointless and a waste of time. Everything to do with personal thoughts and feelings are subject to change over time or at a whim so discussing them ultimately serves no purpose. That, and people lie, or at the very least, are disingenuous.
Take a clue, dear. Asking what they’re attracted to is all right. Asking why is going too far.
Suppose somebody tends to be attracted to blondes. You ask why this is so. How the hell can anyone answer that in any meaningful way? Think about it – what can one say other than “their hair is lighter than brunettes’ hair.”? Sounds pretty flippin’ stupid, doesn’t it?
For a lot of things, we like what we like. We don’t know why, we don’t understand why, we don’t want to say why, whatever – the “why” isn’t something that we can or care to talk about.
As a man I tend to stay away from personnal issues but when men are talking about starting a business or some other passion or hobby in life including social theories politics etc. I like to hear as much as possible.
I too am a curious and social being, and love juicy conversation, but I find the why question somewhat off-putting, for all the reasons mentioned above – especially the observation that people - even intelligent, introspective people like me - might not have any clear insight into why we do what we do, or enjoy the things we enjoy. I write songs. Why do I write songs? Because it pleases me. Why does it please me? Umm… excuse me, I’ve got to freshen my drink.
Once I came in to work wearing my hair in little braid-like twists. It’s a hairstyle that I wear every so often, just to keep things different, but its not very out there. Usually I wear it in a bun so it doesn’t look all that different than my usual hair.
“Why is your hair like that?” A coworker asked.
Um, because I wanted it that way? What kind of question is that?
Tone can have a lot to do with it, too. You might be coming off as a lot more judgmental than you realize. And many people simply don’t like explaining themselves to people, particularly if they don’t know you well or if they’re being asked to explain something fairly minor or something that possibly can’t be well explained.
Because the ‘why’ is personal. Close friends will know the ‘why’, or can ask. Random strangers in a bar? None of your business, and a little creepy to keep pushing for a ‘why’ after politely deflected
I personally can’t imagine finding a discussion of why I find certain types attractive to be interesting in the least; that’s such a nebulous and subjective topic. My assumption would be that the questioner would be attempting to find out if I was interested in him/her and to justify why not.
In many cases, people do what they do because they started doing things that way years ago and never thought about it again. A form of laziness, if you will. When asked *why *they do things this way, they know there’s a chance they’ll have to admit to this laziness, etc.
Some people don’t like to be involved in debates. I certainly don’t (and I don’t enjoy watching other people debating things, either). It’s not the glorified process of arriving at the truth through cooperative conversation, it’s a fight, and I don’t like fighting. In a debate, being right isn’t the only thing that counts: it’s the apparent strength of arguments and the ability to reply with aplomb, etc. And, of course, in most social contexts it’s difficult to be sure that one is right to begin with.
Then there’s Socratic questioning, where the person who asks *why *is more interested in teaching / changing the interviewee.
Questioner: Why aren’t you having any shrimp? Are you allergic?
Me: Oh, no, I just don’t like them.
Questioner: Why not?
Me: I just don’t like eating a whole animal, ya know, biting into the different organs, especially something akin to a bug.
Questioner: But you don’t eat chicken wings, either. Surely that’s not a whole animal?
Me: Uh, ya know, biting into the bones, tearing the flesh, etc.
Questioner: But shrimp don’t have bones!
I think it is entirely normal for people to maintain some barriers on personal issues when they are approached by strangers in a bar.
If a young woman mentions that she seeks relationships with strong, protective men, perhaps she’d rather enjoy light conversation and a couple more Bud Lights rather than sharing the story about her abusive alcoholic father who has subconsciously tarnished her view of men and sent her down the path of pursuing unavailable mates who are prone to repeating daddy’s abuse patterns. Or perhaps she just thinks that Liam Neeson was really hot in that one movie she really liked from a few years ago, but is embarrassed about telling someone that she finds a much older man so attractive. In any case, it could be fine to ask the question “why” depending on the social situation, but it is wrong to think that you deserve an answer.