Why do some people want listeners instead of solvers?

[JThunder]

@sormanic

I am a solver and often have difficulty dealing with people who just want empathy. They get annoyed when we solve their problems. There is a presumption on their part that it is always safer to show empathy rather than solve a problem. That isn’t true. If you show empathy instead of suggesting a solution you come across as stupid if the person was expecting a recommended solution. Never show empathy at work.

Let me give an example: the English department complains that the students can’t write. <<snipped for brevity>>

That’s not really a good example, for reasons that tdn has already pointed out.

Moreover, as other posters and I have emphasized, there is no contradiction between showing empathy and solving a problem. Quite the contrary; providing a listening, empathetic ear HELPS you provide better solutions, should this be necessary. This happens because it provides the troubled person with catharsis, because it helps ensure that you understand the problem thoroughly, and because it makes the troubled individual more receptive to your solutions.

“But I was listening!” most people would exclaim. Not really, though. As Mangetout said though, self-described problem solvers often launch into their solutions before they’ve heard the whole story. Additionally, their “listening” may involve parsing the words, but not discerning their emotional content. And let’s face it – if somebody thinks that establishing this emotional rapport is a waste of time, then it’s a safe bet that they’re not really listening, despite what they may believe.

[MichaelEmouse]

@JThunder

That’s not really a good example, for reasons that tdn has already pointed out.

Moreover, as other posters and I have emphasized, there is no contradiction between showing empathy and solving a problem. Quite the contrary; providing a listening, empathetic ear HELPS you provide better solutions, should this be necessary. This happens because it provides the troubled person with catharsis, because it helps ensure that you understand the problem thoroughly, and because it makes the troubled individual more receptive to your solutions.

“But I was listening!” most people would exclaim. Not really, though. As Mangetout said though, self-described problem solvers often launch into their solutions before they’ve heard the whole story. Additionally, their “listening” may involve parsing the words, but not discerning their emotional content. And let’s face it – if somebody thinks that establishing this emotional rapport is a waste of time, then it’s a safe bet that they’re not really listening, despite what they may believe.

Several times in this thread, people have distinguished listening from really listening. What’s the difference between listening and really listening?

Is there a third level as well? That of really really listening?

[tdn]

@MichaelEmouse

Several times in this thread, people have distinguished listening from really listening. What’s the difference between listening and really listening?

I think it’s more the difference between hearing and listening. All it takes to hear is a pair of ears. Listening requires attention.

“I got that big promotion at work. My life is really going to change.”

Hearing:

“Yeah, work’s cool. What’s for dinner?”

Listening:

“You sound like you’re about to cry. How come?”

[What_the]

@msmith537

The answer to your question is that some people are “women”.

I clicked on this thread specifically to see how long it would take for the male/female thing to be mentioned.

(Note to readers… the quote is from post #2/reply #1)

[JThunder]

@tdn

I think it’s more the difference between hearing and listening. All it takes to hear is a pair of ears. Listening requires attention.

“I got that big promotion at work. My life is really going to change.”

Hearing:

“Yeah, work’s cool. What’s for dinner?”

Listening:

“You sound like you’re about to cry. How come?”

Very true. I think there are a few more elements to consider, though. The kind of “real listening” that we’re talking about also involves understanding why the other person feels hurt, or angry, or frustrated, or whatever. This goes beyond merely paying attention.

It also involves attempting to discern hidden problems or sources of hurt. As Blaster Master said, for example, one person might be complaining about his stolen lunch, when the real problem is that he feels betrayed by his co-workers. Naturally, this involves paying attention, but it also requires discerning the undercurrents beneath someone’s words – or perhaps drawing this person’s real feelings out in the course of your conversation.

You folks might want to look into something called reflective listening. It’s a really simple skill, yet very few people know how to use it.