Interesting (to me, anyway) my friend who is on the spectrum, along with a host of other mental health issues, has had no trouble attracting mates. He is middle aged, average looking, living on SSI, etc., and has had a much younger girlfriend who he recently broke up with. And has just hooked up with another one.
Nobody has mentioned another obvious reason-- gay and closeted. This might not be such an issue for younger folks, but since we’re talking about “perpetually single”, that rules them out. If you’re 40 or older, you probably grew up in a time when it was not at all cool to be out, and maybe you don’t want to fake a relationship with the opposite sex. Or maybe you have a girlfriend, but she lives in Canada and none of your friends has ever met her.
There is a very wide variation on the spectrum, but from what you’ve said it sounds like he is able to attract partners initially, but is unable to maintain stable relationships.
Certainly many reasons exist for this phenomenon. I know a few people who are perpetually single. One of my dearest friends has never had a long-term relationship. In her case, I think it has to do with a deep sense of self-doubt. It’s a terrible shame, since she is intelligent, extremely witty, successful in her career, creative, a great person to hang out with, and she would really like to find someone to share her life with. I also know someone else who is now in her late 30s and has never had a relationship. She is very dependent on her mother, both financially and emotionally, and I think that is at the heart of the issue for her.
I do think that people who want to date or find a relationship can do so, though it may take more effort for some individuals than for others (due to luck as much as anything). The Mitford sisters used to say that you can get anyone to fall in love with you if you really concentrate on it. 
My BIL is 57 and as far as my wife knows, he is still a virgin. He has never dated or had any kind of relationship with a anyone. His entire life right now revolves around his job and guns. He really has no interest in anything else from what I can tell. With his current lack of hygiene, especially with the few teeth he has left, I doubt there will be any change in the future.
Someone who hasn’t had a relationship in 10 years might not be anything like a relationship virgin. There are people who get divorced or are widowed who end up not getting involved with anyone for a long time. So, which group of people are you interested in knowing more about?
I’m interested in learning more about people who are in a similar situation to the woman in the article. Which is to say, they’ve been single for a long time (as in, more than a few years), and it is not out of some deliberate decision or preference for staying single. They want to be in a romantic relationship but have trouble finding a partner.
To quote one paragraph from the article:
That’s what I want to know.
I think the vast majority of the time it is either 1) the women is not physically attractive and/or 2) gives a vibe of “I am a difficult person to pursue.”
If a woman is physically attractive and also gives off “pursue-able” vibes, she would probably have a hard time *not *being surrounded by suitors - assuming that she lives in a society where men feel free to do that (don’t feel inhibited by rules, restrictions, culture, customs, etc.)
Also, from my (admittedly very tiny personal sample of anecdotes/Internet reading), I have noticed that there are times when, a woman is physically unattractive but when she asks on the Internet why she is not pursued like other women are, people cannot bring themselves to tell her that she is physically unattractive, so they will scour about for *non-tangible, mental *issues to discuss instead - “You need more confidence.” “You need a different attitude.” “You need a different demeanor/personality/way of conversation,” etc. All while avoiding the main issue.
The internet is not a good place to get feedback about your desirability, I agree because it is full of thirsty men and people who don’t want to be rude. I think it contributes not just for the reasons you list, but also some people can get a falsely inflated impression of their desirability due to online feedback, resulting in unrealistically high standards for a potential partner. It’d be like if you tried to sell a car that was worth $2,000 for $8,000 and couldn’t figure out why no buyers were interested.
Having said that, I know a lot of ugly women who are in relationships and who date. And I’ve met women who are better looking who can’t get a date while the uglier ones can. So that is part of it, but not all of it.
I’m kind of in the same boat in a way. I personally find tons of women physically attractive, but there aren’t many women I find emotionally or psychologically attractive after getting to know them.
If I like a girl on a psychological level I can almost always find something about her physically that I find attractive.
But at my age, most women I find psychologically attractive are taken. I don’t know own where to find age appropriate women who I find mentally attractive who are also single and reciprocate my attraction. It is what it is.
One of my first boyfriends had Aspergers. He was extremely poor at *actual *human interaction but extremely good at *feigned *human interaction. He was in his late 20s at the time and had been coping that way his whole life. When it came to being with women he’d just do whatever he learned in books and movies, and naive girls like me would eat it up. Turned out he was (and is) an absolute piece of shit of a person at his core, just a really good actor. I’ve stayed friends with his mom and have heard of his escapades over the last decades. He has no problem finding new women to manipulate before getting bored with them and showing his true colors. His turnover isn’t as high as one of those Pick Up Artist guys (he’ll be with the same woman for years) but at least for him, Asperger’s is not a detriment to finding someone new.
As for me, as a single-and-loving-it person, I just stopped trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and realized it’s not me it’s them. Their loss, I rock.
I suppose the only way to find out would be to ask the men around her why they weren’t chatting her up. (Or maybe they were and she just didn’t perceive it as such.) For those here who have perpetually single friends, are they someone you have ever considered dating, or did you never know them at a time when you were available and looking?
Where is this internet of non-rude people you’ve discovered? I think I’d like to try it.
Or simply asexual or aromantic.
I’ve been separated for 4 years now, after 20 years together, and I frankly have no interest.
Now, if some nice lady made me an offer I couldn’t refuse I could get interested, but it would take a lot to get me into a steady relationship again.
Been there; done that.
Being single is rather fucking awesome, especially after coming from a very controlling relationship.
I now know exactly what I want in a relationship, and will never compromise again. I’d rather die alone and be eaten by spiders.
I’ve not known many people whom I’d describe as qualifying as “perpetually single,” as per the OP. As I think about it, I can think of three examples – other than “social awkwardness,” there aren’t really any recurring themes.
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A male friend, who’s now in his 60s, has been single for his entire life, save for a marriage that lasted about 2 years (when he was in his late 40s), and a handful of dating relationships when he was in his 30s and 40s (none of which lasted for very long). He wasn’t unattractive when he was young, but he was definitely opinionated, curmudgeonly, and had no real desire to change his bachelor lifestyle (which involved lots of sitting and watching TV while smoking cigarettes and drinking beer).
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Another male friend, who’s in his early 50s. As far as I know, he’s never been in a serious relationship; I don’t know if he’s ever even dated someone. He’s a sweet guy, but absolutely an odd duck – he’s brilliant with numbers, but has always been a bit off socially (I strongly suspect he’s on the autism spectrum), and is somewhat OCD, as well. While I’ve never broached the subject with him, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he’s asexual.
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A female friend, who has been friends with my wife since high school. She dated very little in high school, or later; she’s quite pretty, but “odd duck” works for her, as well – I think that her social skills were always a little weak, and she was also very shy. My wife was convinced that she’d never marry, but, out of the blue, she started dating a guy about 10 years ago, and they got married a few months later. He’s a little odd, too, but they clearly love each other, and seem to be good for each other.
Ha!
I think the freedom of singlehood has absolutely ruined me against relationships. The only way I could see myself entering into one is if my life were to change in such a dramatic and terrible way that I had to attach myself to someone else just to survive. But otherwise, no. Just no.
I’d love to attach myself to someone.
But I readily concede that it’d be a massive sacrifice to do so. My poor legos, all my poor legos would have to go away…
…lest somebody but me play with them!
People who’ve been alone for a couple of years, by necessity built alternate networks of people to fill that gap somewhat. Someone to confide in, someone they call if they’re sick, go to baseball games with, etc. Or they develop strategies to self provide for most of their emotional needs. Or some combination of the two. Once they’ve reached that place, where largely it’s being handled, a lot of the pressure is kinda off.
I could see how that could easily lead to perpetual singleness without really trying.
IOW, they fill in the gap created by not being latched to a single person forever with lots of friends, interests, hobbies and an active social life.