Yeah, the second is a big one. I think of how much effort some of my protorelationships would have required and I just get tired, it’s not worth it. And considering that my “Mr. Perfect” is likely to be about as good at romance as I am (definitely not much), we’re more liable to not say anything than dare a “uh, btw, wanna, uh, go to the movies or something?”
My brother Jay was interested, but also selective; at one point he mentioned to me that sometimes he’d begin to be just a little bit jealous of our brother Ed (at that point married with children) and then realize that he wouldn’t want to be married either to someone like Ed’s wife - or to someone like Ed! You have to find the right person, or at least a right person. Many of the women he asked out were elsewhere engaged; the impression he gave was more of “a guy who’ll make a good husband” than “a guy who’ll make a good boyfriend”, so women who weren’t too keen on the “marriage and children” thing weren’t interested in him; the one who eventually said yes liked him and wanted children, but she couldn’t have biological children and didn’t want to ovary-block him (they have an adopted child, my Newest Nephew).
Oh God, as if I had any doubt that I am an engineer
I’m 60, and have never had a romantic relationship.
I meet people who ask why, as if there’s some obvious or self-evident reason. But as best as I can tell, I’ve just never met anyone who liked me back in that sort of way.
Now as a gay man, the numbers of potential partners I meet are simply much smaller than for straight guys. And my predilection for younger men, and intelligent ones, tends to narrow the field even further. And I’ve been self-employed since age 38, so the number of people I meet, even as potential friends, is just not all that large.
I’ve done marriage, then divorce, then a couple of longer-term relationships, and no way in fuck would I go back there again. And they were not dysfunctional relationships in the usual sense but all the same, relationships are hard work.
I LOVE not having to consider someone else if I decide to work or not work today, going traveling, can slouch around in ugly clothes without a single thought about an SO. I can eat the last chocolate and drink the last beer…with zero care factor.
And I’m not lonely or suffering in any way. Being single IS rather fucking awesome.
When I was a Witness, yes, I would only consider another Witness as a life partner. I was a Witness until my mid-twenties, which for most folks is prime pairing up time. Devout religious beliefs don’t disappear overnight. I didn’t vote until my forties, and I’ve only recently signed up to be an organ donor.
Sure, there are plenty of men who don’t expect their wives to subjugate themselves to them. But there are also many men who think men are inherently superior to women, regardless of their religion.
there is a lot of room between the “never do anything but hang out online and have no real life” and the “too darn happy and satisfied being single” !
my own life is more complicated, I think. I have never been married and I’m 56 - but I think I would try it. and I’ve never had kids but I would make a really good Grandma.
but it’s likely I will stay single and hopefully I can make that work.
I would say a good relationship is ideal but single is better than a bad relationship, if I wanted to sum it up.
Something that’s not been mentioned is long-term poor health. Someone whose health is poor is not good mate material. Until I was in my 30s I had a perpetual sniffle, and sneezed frequently and volcanicly. They may also have thought me a drug user. And my not ‘speaking’ body language didn’t help either. Women wanted nothing to do with me. And by the time I was over that, it was too late. It would have been nice if it had happened but it didn’t and that’s that. I wanted to be a grand father but I’ll settle for being a great uncle.
Not necessarily, you need to find a partner that respects your right to have a hobby. I’ve known many marriages where the partners each have their own, separate, but favorite fandom/hobby/neurotic obsession-to-outsiders which by respecting some very basic roommate sort of rules (essentially, they abide by the rule of not messing in each other’s collections) have resulted in quite happy marriages. Indeed, far happier marriages than if either partner had ended up with someone that didn’t have their own hobby.
Yeah, I’ve never understood people who think “being in a relationship” means “from now on we will only ever spend time with each other and no one else.”
Or that “being in a relationship” means “from now on we will only every spend every possible waking moment doing everything together.” My husband and I are great together, but we each have hobbies the other doesn’t care for. We don’t try to force each other to participate in those hobbies and it’s great.
My sister-in-law (my wife’s sister) and her husband have what, to all of us in the family, appears to be a miserable relationship. They fight constantly (particularly about money), and I am fairly certain that my brother-in-law is depressed. He’ll regularly make offhand comments to me along the lines of, “just shoot me now,” and while he’s kidding…he isn’t entirely kidding.
I’m also fairly certain that it’s their children which are the reason that they’re still together (their son is 17, their twin daughters are 12). If they didn’t have kids, I think that he would have left her years ago. She mistreats him, and is just a bitter, angry person. All in all, it’s just an extremely uncomfortable thing to watch, and the time I spend with them is largely for the benefit of my nephew and nieces.
The most common reason I’ve encountered on both sides of the gender line is poor social skills - in fact, most often that’s really all it comes down to even when other superficially undesirable factors are present. I’ve yet to see someone with a prison record, no job, living at his mom’s house with a bit of a substance abuse problem who couldn’t get a date with decent social skills.
But to your last point, there is a much smaller, but ime, real subset of people that simply want to be single What I’ve noticed that a most people simply refuse to believe them, and thus make life somewhat miserable for them. It’s always struck me as odd how people can accept all sorts of weird kinks - foot fetishes, spanking, pegging, or furries - who will flatly refuse to believe anyone would simply opt out of all the nonsense that goes with dating/mating. My ex’s brother and I still talk because for years I’ve been the only person who doesn’t hassle him on this, though things have tapered off now that he’s reached 50.
My older sister is also in a fucked-up marriage. She says she doesn’t want to get a divorce because she doesn’t think her husband will be able to take care of himself if she were to leave him. She says she’s also got close contacts with her in-law, and she doesn’t want to lose them.
Personally, I think this is just a cover story. I think she really doesn’t want to divorce because she’s cheated on him and everyone in the family (I suspect even her husband, who’s a dumb-ass but isn’t THAT dumb) knows it. Adulterers don’t get no alimony, and so her standard of living would take a hit. Could be she might even lose the house, and that’s her most prized possession. I also think she cares about the public perception of having a “failed” marriage, despite the fact the horse has already left the barn on that one.
The two of us were on vacation recently, and she told me that she made a huge mistake getting married. I gotta admit that that made me feel better about my singlehood. Sometimes I find myself wondering “What if?”, and I think of her situation.
