Okay, in my years of bachelorhood, I have often rhetorically asked “Why? Dear God, why?” when afflicted with the condition that I have come to think of as “Pizza balls” – the dull ache in your soft parts that lasts long after the associated digestive distress has passed.
Experientially, it seems as though the direct cause of the pain is trauma to the testes received from prolonged involuntary constriction of the scrotum.
Why does this happen? Is there some sort of broad directive to tighten up everything in that general area in order to prevent all hell from breaking loose? (Seems unlikely to me, since the scrotum isn’t a muscle.)
I can’t imagine approaching a doctor about it, since the obvious answer to the problem is to avoid eating too much pizza. (“Too much” is generally two small pizzas within a 12-hour period – shouldn’t be that hard to keep a reign on.)
Maybe a more general question would be more sensible–
Is a tightened scrotum a normal symptom of indigestion?
Could it be that my purse is just too small relative to my testicles? (They’re not that big, honest.)
I don’t recall ever having “the ache” after swimming in the ocean, although that might be because my intolerance for cold keeps the frequency and duration of that sort of silliness pretty close to zero.
Do they do this when you have a bunch of pasta or other instances of tomato sauce? Maybe you have a nightshade-family-plants problem?
OH OH OH I see, this is bowel strain pain, not from eating pizza but from the aftermath, right? Hmm. I’m a girl but after events of serious gastrointestinal distress and bathroom drama that general area does ache a bit-- I assume it’s general muscle and tissue ache from the strain and trauma. I guess if I had balls that would be a analoguous effect.
Your phrasing of the question is a red herring, IMO. How about “Why does pooping my guts out make my abdominal-genital-urinary-pelvic area ache?”
Sorry, Larry. you’re on your own with this one. If your balls hurt after eating two pizzas, don’t eat two pizzas. If your sack shrinks after eating two pizzas, don’t eat two pizzas.
I’m assuming you’ve studied the type/brand/location/takeout vs. delivery vs. homemade matrix to spot the culprit. Please tell us if, for instance, it is only Domino’s sausage & onion that gives you the ball pain/scrotal shrinkage.
I have eaten two large pies BY MYSELF without this symptom. I’d reccomend either getting thee to a doctor, or at the least restraining your pizza consumption.
