So I’m at the drugstore; and while I’m checking out I notice the headline on the Weekly World News: WORLD’S FATTEST TWINS ARRESTED FOR STEALING WORLD’S FATTEST CAT!
I don’t have time to read it, so when I get home I go online and check with CNN. “Reliable” CNN; “legitimate news source” CNN. And what do I find? Not a goddamned word! Is the cat okay? Were the twins riding little motorbikes? I don’t know – because Mr. High-and-Mighty Wolf Blitzer can’t be bothered.
I give CNN credit for giving significant attention to the OZ teleportation experiements, whilst USA Today and the WSJ apparently missed the stories completely for a few days…
I just picked up that issue. I saw the headline and thought, “Fattest twins? Eh …” then I read the part about the cat and I was sold.
FTR, they were arrested for attempting to steal the cat. The cat is fine. There’s even a centerfold of the cat, which I like to look at when my friends are around and say, “Man, that’s one impressive pussy!”
In other news, Jimmy Hoffa’s shrunken head was found in Florida (where else?) and the Holy Grail is to be auctioned off on the Internet.
Because Connie Chung is too busy doing whatever she does on that fluffy show of hers?
Because it might provoke another Larry King heart attack?
Because they’re waiting for James Carville to shed his skin on-air?
Because they blew the correspondent travel budget on Tucker Carlson’s necktie armada?
Because a dedicated team of scientists is trying to calculate just how Arthel Neville has a career?
Because they’re too busy trying to keep Judy Wooduff and Deborah Feyrick from being in the same room together, realizing they are in fact the same person, and destroying the space/time continuum?
Because they have too keep starting wars around the world for Christianne Armanpour to cover, or she will stare us all in to oblivion with those unholy, unblinking eyes of hers?
Because they must cover up Wolf Blitzer’s hidden pastlife as the lost Allman brother?
Because “Real Journalism. Fair and Balanced.” is the domain of Fox News, since they keep telling us so?
Because they have to keep laquering Daryn Kagen’s hair in place?
It would appear that discussion of the world’s fattest cat is not part of Ted “Mr. Jane Fonda” Turner’s liberal agenda.
By the way, did anyone catch the story in the WWN about housewives that actually get off on looking at plumbers’ buttcracks, to the point where they spend thousands of dollars on repairs they don’t need, just so the plumber will keep coming back? I bet CNN never bothers to report on that one, either.
I think everyone, including most of the Fox executives, snicker hardily, everytime that stupid catchprase is uttered.
Can you imagine the meeting where the new phrase is introduced by their Ad agency. "Its ‘Real Journalism. Fair and Balanced’ " Everyone laughs, then realizes the ad dorks are serious. “Guys— have you even watched our network?”
Come to think of it, CNN would be more likely to profile the world’s fattest cat than to present really accurate science news. Almost every story I’ve seen in their website relating to astronomy or space travel has its numbers wrong, sometimes by orders of magnitude.
