Why I deserve to live and not you. (Damnit I'm not evil!)

The BBQ Pit
1

Gather around kiddies, its story time. Tonights story is a story of corperate greed, incompetence and a funny little lizard. It is a story of the titanic battle of evil, not quite so evil and me.

I live in Texas.

Texas, land of the drive through liquor stores, margaritas (!!! yay) and ammo.

I didn’t want to live in Texas. But I needed a job after college and a degree in biology would allow me to flip burgers or be a lab tech. It seems employeers don’t seem to equate critical thinking skills with science, only with econ degrees.

I’m a dork. I’ve won star wars trivial persuit in one turn. All my friends are dorks. My roommates in college used to play video games 3 to 4 days in a row without sleep.

Without internet access I would die. So naturally I tried to get a DSL connection. The apartment complex assured me that they had DSL access. I learned my first lession of the real world. If the person you are talking to ever had the slightest bit of hesitation in their voice when you ask about something that only has letters instead of a name, talk to someone smarter.

So I move into this appartment and first day I call to get my DSL line set up. The telephone company says, oops you are 2000 feet to far away. No can do.

So I call other DSL providers. In Washington some DSL companies own their own lines and can provide services outside of the telephone company’s range.

Finally I get a nice helpful guy who says it shouldn’t be a problem, as they have higher quality something technical and commonly provide service at ranges greater than the phone company. Being a Bio-major I trust people who can use technical terms. Especially terms I don’t understand.

So I wait, and wait.

3 weeks longer than it says I get my DSL modem, 3 weeks after the line is set up. I’m assured that I won’t be charged until I get it set up.
I get my check card bill.

THOSE FUCKERS CHRAGED ME!

THOSE FUCKERS ARE AUTOMATICALLY BILLING MY ACCOUNT! I NEVER authorized it!!! Those bastards are stealing from me.

I bitch. They apologize and say the guy who signed me up must not have told me, they also say my account will be credited for any time billed before I get connected.

I track down my DSL modem.

SOME STUPID ASS MOTHER FUCKER COULDN"T READ!

My name is mispelled, Roz… ROZ? THE NAME IS ROREX BIATCH. I"M IN THE FUCKING PHONEBOOK! GAH! You people are billing a Rorex, yet ya don’t understand that maybe the guy getting billed is the guy you’re shipping the modem to?

Oh yeah, they also got the street address wrong left off the apartment number and didn’t give me a first name.

I get my dsl modem from UPS.

Ahh the San Antonio UPS offices. They are off a small road in a subdivision leading to a massive industrial park. The only sign is for UPS trucks only. The only visible entrance, save for a 3 by 5 index card with ‘customer entrance’ and an arrow on it is the loading bays.

I wander around for 15 min inside the loading area until I grab a lift on the forklift to the offices.

God forbid we want customers to come inside.

I go home. I rewire my apartment so I can get the phone to plug into the DSL modem and the modem to plug into the phone jack. 4 hrs later I’m trying to get online.

They kindly sent me a piece of paper with the IP address of my account. However they didn’t think the DSN, Subnet Mask or Gateway would be needed!!!
3 hours on tech support, “Hrrm they should have given that information to you”.

Gag Ok, I’m thinking its all good. In another 30 seconds I’ll be cruising along at 800k/sec download and 380k/sec upload. Porn faster than the eye can see to quote spacemoose (damn you ex-roommates)

What the hell is wrong with spacemmose anyway? Its not that offensive. Hell, compaired to trying to write a paper when your roommate (2 room quad) doesn’t know you’re home and is play acting sexual fantasies with his Luke Skywalker, Leia and spawn doll. (Listening to him making a voice for spawn as he uses his chains to choke luke as he orally rapes him still gives me nightmares). Compaired to that, everything is a walk in the park.

Where was I.

Oh yeah, so I reboot my computer to get the new settings to work. The data light won’t come on. Uhoh. This means one of two things, e-net card isn’t being recognized or the connection between modem and router is bad.

I call tech support, and talk with varying levels of idiots.

Finally they dispatch a tech to check the line.

Did I mention that I live in a gated community?

I contact the DSL people, no problem, just tell them what to do to contact you. I notify the mangement they say no problem sign a release and its all good.

I sign a release, tell the DSL people and also come home early from work. Nobody shows.

I call to ask, according to them “I was unavailable when contacted and the office at the complex would not release my phone number.”

Umm, I couldn’t be called AND they couldn’t get my phone number. Doesn’t one prevent the other?

It gets worse.

This is repeated 15 times, 3 times I take off half a day pissing off my boss and THEY NEVER SHOW.

They show up one day and leave a not that I wasn’t there so they couldn’t get into my apartment.

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO CHECK THE LINE!!! Not look in my apartment to see if I had the damn power plugged in!!!

Finally, they determine the problem. I’m sitting on the phone talking to the guy about it when i notice the celling move. Well 2 little black bands move. Its a lizard, about 2 inches long and 1.5 cm wide (sorry I can’t think in terms of inches with width its probably due to getting whacked in the head with a meter stick a few years ago). I try to catch him in a plastic box and toss him outside. He falls down, into a tacky 60’s print beach towel my mom gave me (hey we don’t want it, lets give all of our crap to our son). Did i mention that it changes colour? Really really fast. I poke around and find him and almost have him caught. So close, just seconds away from inverting the box and trapping him. Then it happens, the lizard finds courage and charges. This unexpected move catches me by suprise and I end up having the lizard run up my arm. And I start screaming. 8 and a half years of martial arts training and I start screaming when I lizard runs up my arm. I LIKE LIZARDS TOO!

A few days later, when I’m going to work I notice another lizard on the tire of my car. I open the door thinking that he’ll fall off when i drive off. Wrong. The damned thing rushes into the driver’s seat and crawls up behind the peddles. So I’m sitting in the car with visions of a lizard suddenly running up my pants leg while I’m trying to merge onto the freeway, images of a firey death dance in my head. So to speak.

God that sucked driving to work. Still haven’t seem him 3 months later.

umm

So I found out that I was 2000 feet to far to get DSL. Which was what the phone company said. It turns out the DSL company and the phone company use all the same equipment…

So I try to get a refund.

That was 3 months ago, at least I got them to stop billing me.
Next: part 2 the refund

2

Holy Flurking Smit! You’re getting felched!

3

:peers out from behind CRorex:

you know, you have this simply GIGANIC corporate phallus stuck in your nether regions. you might want to get this taken out; it looks uncomfortable.

4

The lizards were my favorite parts of the story :smiley:

5

Part 2:

The Refund

Or where the anger comes from.

I get the refund procedure started, I need to return the DSL modem, no problem.

I get the shipping tags (I don’t have to pay for shipping thank god) and get ready to send it out.

That was on 9/9… I put it off for two days.

9/10 Friend’s family member dies, I make plans to go for the funeral.

9/11 Now there are a few more people I need to help bury.

I don’t get it out until early oct.

Now I understand that doing so would delay the refund process. So I give them 2 weeks after the time they should recieve it (its only going from San Antonio to Dallas). The refund is in the works. I start calling ever week. Nobody knows what its taking so long.

Oct: I’m now talking to departmental vps about this. Now I hear that since the refund is for so much (I now have the install fee and 5 months of charges for SOMETHING THAT NEVER FUCKING WORKED on it) it needs the COO’s ok for it to be issued.

Then my bank notifies me that they tried to withdraw more money, thank god I blocked them from access my account.

November: I finally talk to someone who gets pissed at me and said why was I bringing this to tech support’s notice. Call accounts payable.

Me: YOU HAVE AN ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT!? WHY THE FUCK DIDN"T YOU TELL ME!

Them: Its one of the options on the phone system.

Me: The only fucking phone option i have is listening to crappy ass muzak by some latin guitarist. Its one of two songs, over and over again for 2 to 4 times a week for 4 MONTHS YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER.

Them: Oh, uhhh I guess keep calling. Have a good day.

Me: <hangs up>

What pisses me off, I’d be able to afford a lawyer only AFTER THEY REFUND MY MONEY!

I’ve bitched to the better buisness bureau, and the FCC and everyone else I can.

NOTHING SEEMS TO HELP.

FSDFKLJSDLSHG

So I’ve taken to abusing their employees.

I call whenever I’m in a bad mood or just bored. I’ve started calling their 1-800 number for LA just to run up their phone bills.

6

SEE WHY I DRINK AT TIMES?!

Every couple of weeks its nice to just kick back and annihilate all understanding of the outside world.

7

i’ve read a couple of your recent “Pit” posts, and i would just like to say…

i like your style. i hope you stick around for a good while. you’ll rocket up past me and right straight into the SDMB Cliquesup [/sup] in no time.

8

Damn! saep beat me to it :frowning:

Anyhow.

Write a letter. A polite one, mind you. One copy to the DSL provider, one copy to the major local newspaper of choice, one copy to your local state rep, one copy to your local state senator, one copy to your local federal rep, one copy to your local federal senator. Never mind the head of the FCC and the guy in charge of the subcommitte of telecommunications, or whatever, in DC. Make sure all those CCs are on each letter.

Then sit back and watch it fly :smiley:

9

You lost me a while back. Was there a point somewhere to the story other than you had a problem getting your DSL hooked up and you got a lizard problem?

10

apperently not, but he told it in such an interesting way you cant help but love the rant.

i bet that someday he will grow into another ScyllaStorymaker.

11

NNNooooo I don’t think so. Not the right attitude.

12

ok, how about just “storymaker”?

13

I was origionally going to tell the story about the ‘exploding duck’ and ‘Mr. easterbunny’s bad day’ which I mentioned in the post about the snowman some kids destroyed (can’t remember the url, stupid lack of short term memory). Then I realized that in those stories I kinda come across as evil and decided against it.

14

post em! post em!

15

Did they charge your charge card, or withdraw the money from your checking account? I think you should try to dispute the charge through your bank rather than through the DSL provider.

16

So, why do you deserve to live but not me? Why would (or wouldn’t) you be evil? The lizards have what to do with your DSL? Does being constantly ass-raped by your ISP for four months make it hard to sit?

This was one of the most poorly organized, typo-ridden pit rants I’ve ever seen… and I like it! You’ve got a real Kathy Acker thing going here. Except you don’t suck. Hell, you had me from the moment you mispelled “lesson” as “lesion” and dramatically improved the meaning of the sentence.

Two things about this:

  1. “Compare” not “compair”

  2. EEEEWWWWWWW!

17

Didn’t I already address the fact that I wrote the title for this post then decided to write about something else?

Hrrm must have dreamed that…

Stupid phenol

18

Where I live Southwestern Bell has been pushing DSL really hard. After hearing the stories of all the programmers I work with it is sad to report that your story would be the norm here, not the exception. It is sad when companies can’t get it together and the only people who get screwed are the customers.

19

Tell me about it. I recently found out that my ISP has declared Chapter 11 and is shutting down… Well, today, actually. So far, the only change in service is that my default start page when I open up my connection is no longer Excite, but is now Hot Asian Teen Hardcore Porn.

Not that I’m complaining.

20

WTF does the lizard have anything to do with your DSL whoas?

< shaking head >

Everything was fine until you added that. That’s like an ADDer on ten pounds of cocaine.