Or, how Autolycus made me pee my pants.
Here I sit, bored at work. I’ve got 2 hours and 20 minutes left of my work week and about 45 mins of actual work to do. So, I’m trying to stretch it out so that I’m not forced to start something at the end of today. I work 10 hour days, 4 days a week - which is why I’ll be done for the week on a Thursday. It is also why I don’t want to start in on a new project that I will likely forget the details of in three days when I get back to it. So, I find myself surfing the Dope. Having read all I care to under the ‘new post’ search, I decided to do a vanity search. Maybe to see if anyone is talking about me (yeah right), mostly to see if I can find any old interesting threads to re-read.
And that’s when I came across a thread which I didn’t know existed. A thread in which I obviously started, yet never read. A thread that was mostly gibberish and apparently somehow racist(?). I read my OP a couple of times - thinking all the while it must be a joke. Someone pranked me good! Somehow they got ahold of my computer or my username and decided to post gibberish.
Wait a minute. An inkling of recognition…
diddle a de, diddle a de, diddle a de
::waves hands in a flashback motion::
Ah, here I am at the local watering hole. My buddy and I got together for our regular Thursday night bar adventure. Normally, it’s just drinking and playing some cards or rolling dice. Sometimes we shoot darts or pool. But it’s just a weekly guys night out type of a thing. Our barkeep knows us by name and gives me an earful if I miss a thurs night. She comes over and asks me if I want the usual.
The usual? Am I really that predictable? What has happened to my spontaneity? So, out of nowhere, I decide to throw her a curveball.
“No!” says I.
“Gimme a Blue Lagoon!”
Why would I order such a drink? Where could I have heard such a thing? Why, on the dope of course! I believe it was on one of Autolycus’ early ramblings in which he mentioned and viciously defended his azul drink of choice.
Both the barkeep and my buddy gave me a perplexed look. A bright blue concoction, adorned with an umbrella was soon presented in front of me. A far cry from my regular order of Jack and Coke, this tasted almost exactly like KoolAid. My buddy, being a good sport, decided that he’d have one as well.
Let me tell ya, they are delicious! But, what is not expected is the warmth in your stomach after each drink. The warmth that is only caused by drinking a very stiff beverage. Well after each of us enjoyed two pints of Blue Lagoon, we were feeling adventurous. We managed to get the drink recipe rollodex from the barkeep and looked for the fruitiest, fanciest, drinks - and proceeded to order one of each.
Fast forward a few hours. Both my buddy and I are plowed. Normally our Thurs night involve just a couple of drinks and we head home with barely a buzz to show for it. Well, not so on this fateful night. Nope, on this night we were loud, obnoxious, and the barkeep finally suggested that we should call it a night. Call it a night? What a horrible idea! We were just getting going. It was about that time that my buddy puked on my shoes.
Well, that made the suggestion of us leaving more of a demand. I’m not one to try and get banned from my favorite local pub, so we obliged. Luckily, we both live within walking distance for we were in no shape to operate a motor vehicle. And as it would soon become apparent, I was in no shape to operate a computer either.
I got home and I really wanted to get on the Dope to tell Autolycus of all the trouble he had caused. But, when I tried to string more than two letters together to form a word, only gibberish appeared on the screen. I found myself typing one letter at a time and still having to delete and retype every 3rd letter. I finally gave up and deleted the whole mess. I vaguely remember quoting some hilarious[sup]*[/sup] lines from Team America World Police and then thinking that maybe I’d lay down on the floor - just for a minute.
I awoke several hours later. Mostly because I realized I was wet and cold. Why was I cold? Because I was wet. Why was I wet? Well, I had apparently pissed my pants. Before anyone tells me of the dangers of drinking and how bad drinking to blackout is, trust me, I know. I don’t drink often. And, when I do drink, it’s very much in moderation. However, I had been duped. Just because a drink tastes like Kool-Aid, it doesn’t me it can’t have the alcohol content of everclear, apparently.
Luckily - very luckily - for me, my wife was out of town that weekend. She rarely travels for business (once or twice a year) and this just happened to be one of the time that she did. So, I was able to throw all my clothes in the washer, mop up the floor, and take a shower. I went back to sleep and no one was ever the wiser.
So, what have I learned? Don’t vanity search. It can bring back memories that you don’t want. And, don’t judge a drink by it’s taste!