A column in today’s Chicago Tribune by syndicated columnist Kathleen Parker said this:
I know I’m exceptionally dense about some things, but I don’t get it. Why is a woman’s raised voice every man’s nightmare?
I’m guessing because shouting in women is strongly discouraged/looked upon as unladylike from an early age, and when a woman does begin to shout, something must be -seriously wrong-?
Some people may not like this answer but it is the simplest and most direct one. A shouting woman (meaning an angry, shouting one) means that she has become emotionally unstable and you WILL have to deal with the consequences both immediately and probably the foreseeable future until you appease her somehow in ways that you can only begin to imagine. It also means that you are going to have to hear about whatever triggered the episode again and again possibly forever.
Most men can get super-pissed, yell and then be over it just as quickly without any action from anyone else. It tends to be more of a impending hurricane warning with women and you can bet your ass that it will be all hands on deck until she decides things are better.
I think she was being overly hysterical.
That’s a joke.
But seriously - she was exaggerating. Obviously most men are probably most likely to hear women yelling when they are in a relationship - and the idea of a nagging wife is standard fare in jokes.
Of course she is making the ccmment in response to Donald Trump’s whining about it being too early in the morning to listen to her shouting.
As everyone that’s been alive the last five months knows - Donald Trump likes to attack people - and he does it both against strengths and weaknesses.
The News Media picks these up - he gets free press - rinse repeat (I’m guilty too - cause I listen to it).
I don’t see why a woman’s shouting would be a mans worst nightmare - it’s unpleasant, but I’m guessing if I liked men romantically - it would be just as unpleasant. Or maybe she didn’t mean romantically - I don’t get why then.
It isn’t just romantically. Men tend to shout when they are temporarily pissed. Women tend to do it to signal much deeper problems. For example, I went to go visit my father last week and he has a new vehicle that he isn’t totally familiar with yet so I operated the GPS from the passenger seat as we drove around. He wasn’t reading the map correctly at first and kept making turning mistakes that I corrected him on repeatedly. He finally blew up in an expletive filled tirade at me which he has only very rarely done before. I was right about the directions but I still tried to apologize for correcting him too much when we stopped not 5 minutes later and he was perfectly fine already - no action required.
My mother, OTOH, is an accomplished yeller and you will hear about it again in extended discussion format even after she cools down. My daughters are the same way and I certainly didn’t teach them that.
Those are stereotypical sex differences but I believe they generally hold well enough for most people to recognize them. That is why authors and countless comedians refer to the phenomenon in shorthand.
I find shouting men more scary, because I perceive a higher likelihood of their launching into physical violence against me.
I think this is partly it but the main fear comes from knowing you can’t do anything about it. A man starts shouting at you and when it comes down to it you know you can deal with it and he will be seen as the aggressor, not so with a woman.
ditto.
I totally disagree with the idea that a shouting woman is somehow inherently more upset than a shouting man. Some women are quite dramatic and can shout about anything. A shouting woman is very unlikely to actually attack anyone, though.
In fact, even though the woman may have initiated the conflict and be the only one screaming, the man may still be viewed as the aggressor simply for being the target of said screaming. I’ve personally had the pleasure of having to explain why a woman followed me down a hallway and into my office screaming, slammed the door, screamed at me some more as I sat behind my desk, and refused to leave even after I repeatedly, firmly, and unthreateningly asked and then directed her to get out of my office. For my pains, I was sent to conflict management training and counselling, which actually turned out to be kind of useful insofar as giving me feedback that my work situtation and support by upper management was actually pretty fucked up, and there wasn’t much I was going to be able to do about it.
I understand, as best as I can, that women can often see threatening behavior in men where none is intended and respond in like fashion as a defense. But there is a point at which that response itself becomes abuse or engenders an abusive response. In the situation above, I was literally told that the appropriate response would have been to either leave my own office (given that I’d already left another area and walked several hundred feet, I felt I’d met my ‘duty to retreat’) or just sit and passively accept the abuse. When I asked the HR hump if the same would apply to another male employee if I were to treat someone in that fashion, his kneejerk response was, “We don’t tolerate harassment or abuse in the work environment.” Well, I guess unless it is toward managment, and then it is all fair game.
I am never going to work in a management position again. I would rather flip pizza or dig ditches than be a line manager for a bunch of gutless humps who couldn’t back up a shōji panel.
Stranger
A shouting woman is not very pleasant to be around, but hardly rises to the level of nightmare.
It depends on the woman. Some of them are quite skilled at using their advantages to inflict harm and a few of them are truly dangerous.
Nah, it’s just that some women can’t stop themselves from explaining things to men.
An angry shouting woman is nowhere near as frightening SS as a soft-spoken white person pointing a gun at me while chanting “Nigger.”
I think the “nightmare” aspect is that a man dealing with a shouting woman (in public) will be assumed to have done something awful predicate to the shouting. Plus in most scenarios a man is not in any position legally, socially etc. to forcefully counter this behavior without resorting to shouting or physical violence both of which can get him in huge trouble in many situations.
Basically a shouting woman puts you (if you are a man in a middle or upper middle class context) in a very uncomfortable box until she decides to stop shouting, and while it’s happening there is very little you can do to shut it down without getting into huge trouble.
I’m female and I can’t stand the sound of shouting women. It’s the pitch of their voices. Also I think that women are unpredictable, when they’re shouting I never know what they’ll do next but when men are shouting you just assume they’ll either simmer down or get violent with someone/something so you can prepare yourself how to react.
I’d rather deal with a shouting man than a shouting woman any day.
I don’t know what Ms. Parker had in mind, but my first thought was that most people’s primary caretakers when they were young children (and thus defenseless and impressionable) were women (their mothers, teachers, grandmothers); and they’ve learned to associate women yelling with being in trouble.
It’s this, IMHO. First thing I thought of when I read the OP.
My first thought was, I know how to react to a shouting man who gets all up in my face; I prepare to physically attack him. And I know how to react to a shouting woman who gets all up in my face: I of course can’t hit her first, and I also can’t hit her back, and I should prepare to be arrested even if I do nothing.
Pro tip: The best response to a shouting woman is not “PMS again?”
Regards,
Shodan
Shortly after I posted the original question, I asked my husband. He agreed with the above and surmised that men who have an issue with women shouting have Mommy issues.
I find the responses here interesting. Parker in her column said that men think a woman’s raised voice is nightmarish. This was of course related to Trump’s comment about HRC.
But of course HRC was not shouting at Trump. And in fact, women often shout in circumstances that men should (and probably do) ignore. Thousands of people shout, “Go! Go! Go!” to the running back at a football game; many of them are likely women. Why should men find this upsetting? A mom screams at her child, “Put that down this instant!” and any man within earshot should not be alarmed.
But a woman gives a speech and raises her voice to say something with emphasis and men find this scary? Really?
Anyone who shouts directly at me is somewhat upsetting. But why is a woman shouting but not directly at you upsetting?