Mr. Torie and I are practically salivating in our love for each other. We look out for the other and would never ever do anything that would hurt us, seperatly or as a couple. So. why. the. hell. can’t. we. get. along? We fight practically every day. Granted these fights are generally mature and we at least try to be progressive. (There has only been one knock down drag out) but they are still hard. I cry every time we fight because I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid that even though we love each other so much, these fights will wear us down. I get so afraid we won’t make it.
The fights are always about me. Mr. Torie wants sooooo badly for me to go to school. I want so badly to go to school. But I feel like he is ON me. He wanted so badly to see the habits change that he knew made me feel bad about myself. That’s why he is on me so much. But here is the part that’s hard. I get upset because I think he has decided that I am incompetent and stupid. Like I am a child. He assures me that none of this is true, but it is still so hard. I know he is telling me the best thing for me but I am afraid that I will end up one of these women who jumps because her boyfriend said jump. Not that he really orders me around, either. If I want to go out, I go out. I don’t have to ask him. So I have nothing to worry about there. I guess what bothers me is that he thinks that if he wasn’t here to push me, nothing would get done. Maybe a part of that is true. He can help me to change that. But how is anyone going to know that has changed if he never stops pushing? Maybe this is the way it will be forever.
Does this make any sense? This is such a complicated issue but I need to get it out. Thanks for reading.
I certainly wouldn’t harm myself by not doing something I both need and want to do just to spite the husband, or to keep either of you from feeling controlled/controlling.
Frankly the only problem I can figure out from the little bit of information you’ve provided, is that you’re scared and are taking it out on your relationship.
Your SO wanting you to go to school has nothing to do with him thinking you’re incompetent. If he thought that of you, then he wouldn’t think you’d make it in further education and wouldn’t want you to go to school. But it sounds like he knows you want more and that you are capable of achieving it.
There’s nothing wrong with taking a little push from your SO to do something you want. It doesn’t make you weak. I take pushes from my wife all the time and I’ve been able to some good things because of this.
You sound scared and like you’re using your SO to keep from facing your fears. Stop blaming him and face your fears. You’ll be surprised at how much you can accomplish! Good Luck!
In my experience that kind of arguing comes from an ego-driven space. You need to step back and figure out why you get so upset about it. If you can’t find a readily obvious and logical reason for it you need to examine why you don’t want to do it (down in the animal part of your brain) and see if you’re not sabotaging yourself for some reason.
Oh, torie, I very much identify with your post. Mr. Skeptic and I had the same type of situation going on, though we love each other very much. Jonathan Chance is right; the solution to this is to look at it logically (write your analysis down if you have to) and determine whether you are thinking clearly. If you aren’t (and you probably aren’t), then the best course is to examine yourself closely to determine the true reasons for your behavior.
For me, I had a domineering and asshole-ish father, and I sometimes tend to react to strong suggestions as if they were coming from him as attempts to control. I still have to work on that some more, but it’s getting better. As far as things being that way forever, the habits that I have changed for the better which used to bug Mr. Skeptic to no end (like, oh, forgetting to drop bill payments in the mailbox) are no longer mentioned, and he hasn’t found new ones to replace them.
Regardless of where the suggestion comes from, it’s you that has to do the work. If someone else gives you the first push, then so be it. Chances are, though, that you’ll begin to push yourself, and when you do, it will be easy to tell.
He wants you to go to school. You want to go to school. It’s not jumping when your boyfriend says, “jump!” if it’s something you want to do. Get to frickin’ school and cut the ego crap. Of course he’s pushing you. He cares about you and wants you to better yourself! The best way to show him you’ve stopped dragging your feet is to stop doing it!
It’s hard because although you want to go to school, you don’t want it to seem like it was all his idea. Maybe you think he’ll gloat and say “See, I told you you should go.” Pffft. Though that’s what you may be thinking subconciously, it’s crap. He only wants to be proud of you and what you can accomplish. He knows you can do more and wants to see you succeed.
“Punishing” him by not starting school only hurts you both. What do you gain by not going? More fights? There’s only two ways to make the fighting stop: Either start going to school or state in no uncertain terms that you will not go and no amount of arguing or convincing will make you decide otherwise.
Which of those, to you, sounds like the better choice?
Thank you for all your responses. They have helped put all this into perspective for me. The only problem is I worry school may not be doable for me this semester. I am seriously thinking that starting in the Summer with two classes, then full time in the fall is a better option. You see my mom has lots of money. But I am not yet 25, so the money to go to school will come from my mom. With my mom in therapy, this might not be the best time to ask her for 1200 dollars for school. I am really getting the sense, however, that Mr. Torie will be very disapointed if I don’t go this semester.
Write it out. Everything. Actually, physically write down every reason you can think of to start school this semster, next semester, never, and all the reasons not to do all of the above. Make a list of every possible source of income (mom included). Write down every barrier that’s in place preventing you from starting this and then every condition that’s perfect and everything in between. Ask your boyfriend to do the same. Then, quietly swap lists and read.
Don’t talk for 10 minutes after you both finish reading to help you process what the other is saying. Hopefully many of the answers will be the same. Discuss what differences there are. If you find yourself still yelling or feeling the little hairs on the back of your neck start to rise, break out the notebooks and go back to written communication.
It takes longer but really allows each of you to say what you mean to say and to understand how your partner is feeling. The 10 minutes of process time give you a chance to respond in a similar way.
(Oh, and always hold hands when you argue. I don’t know why, but it seems to take the edge off.)
Mr. Torie won’t be disappointed if he knows for sure that your decision to start in the summer is solid. If he wants you to start sooner, ask him to list out your financial options (as in DaisyFace’s post above (btw, excellent suggestion about holding hands)) and see if you think anything will work out. If you both scrimp you might be able to pull it off. If you’d rather not go through that, just tell him and hopefully he’ll quiet down until summer starts. But please don’t disappoint him when the time comes to keep your word.
Is there something in particular that you want to go to school to study? There are a lot of good reasons to go to school but they vary from person to person. Do you want to be a doctor/lawyer/teacher/engineer etc. that requires specific training? Do you want to study art/dance/music/history/mathematics because the subject intrigues you? Are all your friends in school, and you feel left out? Do you have a rotten job, and you need a credential to get a better one? (Keep in mind that a degree is no guarantee of fulfilling employment.) Or do you just want to get out of the job market for awhile? Maybe going to school is something you think you SHOULD do but don’t really WANT to do. What is the problem that you will solve by going to school?
Looking at the larger issue might lead to a discussion of what is love, anyway? If you fight every day and make each other miserable, whose idea of love is that? Attachment, need, familiarity, yes, but love? And when you talk about school, is your boyfriend saying something like “I want you to have what’s best for you, and I will support you any way I can,” or does it come out like “You’re a lazy bum. You should shape up”? If you tell him you’ll go to school when you’re good and ready, and he won’t back off, maybe it really is a struggle for control. If you sign up for school, will everything else in the relationship be perfect? Or will you find something else to fight about?