On Sunday my girlfriend and I woke up at around noon, went to a corner cafe and had a leisurely brunch. After that we went to the MOMA, did a little shopping and finally went to a bar/grille for chicken wings and beer and to watch a little baseball. On the way home we stopped in a secluded spot in the park and made love on the grass. The day was, in a word, perfect. Until I picked a fight.
We got home and I picked a stupid fight. I hurt her feelings and she cried. She asked me why I was so mean.
I’m in the process of torpedoing a great relationship. I have no idea why I’m doing this. Self-destructive? Perhaps. Misogyny? I hope not. Stupid? Undoubtedly.
The point here is to ask all of you if you’ve ever done this to yourself/another person. Have you ever just blown a relationship? Have you almost done this but salvaged things?
It’s just part of being in a relationship, I think. Yup, Mr. Athena and I get in fights occasionally. They’re getting fewer and farther between, but it still happens. Sometimes we fight about big things, but most of the time we fight because one of us is in a bad mood, or tired, or worried about something completely unrelated to the fight, or maybe we’ve had one beer too many. We talk about our stupid fights when we’re not fighting, and started to call it “turning on each other.” As in “Last night I almost turned on you, but I realized what was going on and figured out a way not to.” Once we labelled it and started thinking about it, it became easier to realize when we’re getting all caught up in something that doesn’t really matter.
The trick, I think, is accepting the fact that at times, you’re going to fight. Sometimes relationships are tough, like two pieces of sandpaper rubbing together. But if you get through it, you get to the smooth part for a while.
People will be along any minute to ask you all kinds of personal questions regarding the details and circumstances of your argument, your relationship, your role in the park, etc…
If you think this girl is special (and she certainly sounds pretty good from where I’m standing), here is my advice to you:
Flowers. Lots of them. Expensive ones. Delivered in person in a public place (especially her place of work). And a card that expresses how deeply sorry you are with the following words in illustrated order - “I’m sorry I was such an inconsiderate jerk. Please forgive me. I was wrong.”
Guarantied to get you another role in the grass within 8 hours. 
Good luck.
That’s “Roll”. Roll in the grass!
(I’m such an idiot!)
I used to do that kind of thing a lot. It made for a rocky relationship. I got tired of being that kind of person, now I rarely do it anymore. Saying you’re sorry is good, but changing is better.
For me it didn’t matter why I was that way. I analyzed the hell out of it for a while, and ended up with ‘analysis paralysis’ and nothing changed. Finally I realized that I was not acting like the kind of person I wanted to be, and decided to act more the way I thought I should be. And the less I acted badly, the less often I felt like acting badly. I think that’s the “fake it until you make it” principle.
Good luck
QTM
is it possible you are trying to sabotage this thing youve got? maybe you think youre not good enough, or shes not good enough, or secretly you dont want to be in any relationship, no matter how good it is, or something else dwelling on the edge of your unconscious?
It’s a very human thing to take out stress on the people closest to you. It’s a bad habit, but not an inevitable one.
I’ve always had issues with the shower-with-flowers philosophy; I’m a firm subscriber to the “don’t just apologize, improve” school of thought. So I’m very much seconding QtM here–character is action and action is character–we are what we do. Analysis of reasons behind them are less important.
Lashing out and picking fights seldom pops up out of nowhere; they are the outgrowth of patterns you find yourself behaving in. Learn to recognize them, and recognize them early–the earlier that you do, the easier it is to step outside and break the course of it.
Recognize also that it’s not a solitary struggle; you’ve got someone else right there who’s also observing how you act. After the usual apology/making-up dance is settled, have a talk about them. Agree on some gentle reminders she can nudge you with if she happens to see you starting down the pick-a-fight garden path.
See, the problem here is we don’t really know much about what happened or what has happened in the past. What was the fight about? Did you start it, finish it, or both? How stupid of a stupid fight was it really? Did your girlfriend do something to intentionally provoke you, or did you just come out of nowhere and start a fight? And how often do either of you do this? I sure dunno.
But I’ll tell you one thing, unless you’re a crack addict or just some dimwit, you’re the one who knows if this relationship is worth keeping. If it is, make some effort! If you’re the one starting fights for no reason, or being overly hostile when you have the inevitable lover’s spats, you already know it and you’ll do something about it.
Don’t just say, ‘I don’t know why I do it.’ That’s a cop-out. If you want out of this relationship, just do it like a man and tell her. It’s better than stringing her along, and you’ll be free to look for other girlfriends.
I think Qadgop has it right. A lot of one’s behavior is programmable; you just have to decide what you want to be and practice doing that.
There’s a joke here at work that engineers make good fathers; not because they’re inherently good fathers, but because they analyse the situation, decide what makes a good father, and then do that.
Well, it’s funny to an engineer…
Well, some engineers at least…
Damn, QS. We had this good thing together, growing and blossoming… everything just going perfectly… and then you go and make a stupid mistake like that. Get out.
I think it depends on what the fight was about. If it was about a Seinfeldian “I think this habit of yours is dumb and annoying” thing, then it’s probably something about her that was niggling at the back of your mind. Thankfully, few of us are that shallow.
More likely, you were just stressed or irritable, you lucky devil (too much sex => lack of sleep => irritability). Buy the flowers, promise it’ll never happen again, have it never happen again, and everything will be fine. 
I deliberated whether or not to divulge the nature of the argument as it is decidedly embarrasing. Our apartment is hot. New York City gets hot and five floor walk-ups located therein get REALLY hot. Anyway, she wanted to move the air conditioner into the bedroom, I didn’t, she pressed, I told her she was being a princess.
Christ Almighty, when I read about the damn thing I feel even stupider.
Moderator, please discontinue this thread and send it to me so that I may consume the evidence.
sheesh.
Often I have to know when to hold my words in so they don’t get out. It’s just a part of maturity.
Did it ever occur to you that the two of you were hot, tired and cranky and shot your mouths off without thinking? Seriously, my first wife and I used to fight on long, leisurely Saturday mornings. It took me some time to realize that on long, leisurely Saturday mornings I tended not to eat breakfast, and was suffering from hypoglycemia. Once I got a little food in me, I was a much happier guy.
I’ve been best friends with Amanda for more than 5 years. A few months ago out of nowhere, I sent her an email telling her I was tired of her God-like attitude, her constant degrading of me, and the way she talks about me behind my back. We didn’t talk until 3 days ago.And I highly doubt we’ll ever talk again.
Yeah, there is a point to this story. Be careful what you say out of rage…you may never be able to take it back, and you could ruin a great relationship.
You’re five floors up & you don’t have an AC in the bedroom? Don’t buy her flowers, buy her a damn air conditioner, put it in the bedroom window, & let her crank it as cold as she wants. How did you survive this long without one? No wonder you’re cranky!
How come it was a big deal for you, though? Like, how come you didn’t just move it in the first place? It’s not that hard to do, & some of us really can’t sleep when it’s hot.
I’ve blown almost every friendship I’ve ever had. (Not to forget a relationship or two.) I don’t know why I do it. Maybe I was scared and wanted to destroy myself emotionally. I know that I think that I don’t even deserve friends. I’m guessing other unconscious processes contributed to this. But I have kept doing it in any manner possible.
Now that I’ve psychoanalyzed myself, everyone has such good advice, and people do argue at times, after all.
wow, there are people just like me out there. i have a long history of self-destructive behavior. i have had a lot of misery over some good situations that i have sent down the shitter. all i can tell you is it gets better as you get older and a little wiser. Qadpop is right. you need to recognize when you screw up and decide not to do it any more. i am a very happy, married, employeed guy now. i hope i can raise my son (due ANY MINUTE!!)to be the same. good luck! (my wife and i “fight” about the temp. all the time. we don’t get too carried away)