WHY ME??? oh god... WHY ME???

The BBQ Pit
1

Why do insane, drooling lab chimps choose ME of all people to IM out of the blue late at night?
rEd HaT hAx0r: YUO MAYK SITES???
OpalCat: uh…yes.
rEd HaT hAx0r: SEE MINE???
OpalCat: no
rEd HaT hAx0r: WANNA?///…
OpalCat: I doubt it…
rEd HaT hAx0r: U BETTER CHEK IT OUT
OpalCat: why
rEd HaT hAx0r: ITz 1337
rEd HaT hAx0r: http://www.somethingawful.com/jeffk/
OpalCat: no thanks
rEd HaT hAx0r: I AM GOOD AT STEZ
rEd HaT hAx0r: Y
rEd HaT hAx0r: YUO DNOT CHEK OUT MY STEI BUT I LEWKED AT YUORS
OpalCat: it hurts my eyes to try to read when you type that way
rEd HaT hAx0r: SERRI I AM NOT AMERIKIM
rEd HaT hAx0r: AMERICAn
OpalCat: and that means you have to type in all CAPS?
OpalCat: I don’t think so
rEd HaT hAx0r: I THOT U MENT SPELING
OpalCat: the spelling is pretty awful too
rEd HaT hAx0r: MY EYSITE IZ BAD
OpalCat: so? You don’t need to read your own typing
rEd HaT hAx0r: U LYKE TO BE ASSHOLE? RACISIMIST?
OpalCat: no
rEd HaT hAx0r: u lissen to musyk
OpalCat: yes
rEd HaT hAx0r: TEKMO??
OpalCat: no
rEd HaT hAx0r: SORRi
rEd HaT hAx0r: forgut kapz
rEd HaT hAx0r: u lissyn hardkor
OpalCat: what is hardcore?
rEd HaT hAx0r: lyke RAMMERSTEING, METALLIKA (SUM), COUNTING CROWZ
OpalCat: I like some Metallica. Cant’ stand Counting Crows.
rEd HaT hAx0r: HE-HE
rEd HaT hAx0r: do u ever play drumz
OpalCat: no
rEd HaT hAx0r: U LYK DRUMZ???
OpalCat: not particularly
rEd HaT hAx0r: tHey ar kewl
rEd HaT hAx0r: OH
rEd HaT hAx0r: U CHEK OUT www.dci.org IF U WANT NO MOR about drumz
OpalCat: not really interested in drums, thanks anyway
rEd HaT hAx0r: YES
rEd HaT hAx0r: d
rEd HaT hAx0r: what instroment u lyk?
rEd HaT hAx0r: u HEAR THAT MOVEE “amERican pie”? girl HAD SEX WITH INSTROMENT!!!
OpalCat: I like violins a lot… and classical guitar… I play a little piano
OpalCat: I didn’t see that movie.
rEd HaT hAx0r: OH :slight_smile:
rEd HaT hAx0r: OK THX
rEd HaT hAx0r: WEL IF U gaet tyme plez chek my page, THX
OpalCat: ok
rEd HaT hAx0r: IT IZ IMFORTIVE
rEd HaT hAx0r: imformative
rEd HaT hAx0r: U use RED HAT LINEX b4?
OpalCat: yes
OpalCat: we have version 6 on the computer upstairs
rEd HaT hAx0r: GnoME?
OpalCat: yes
rEd HaT hAx0r: THERE IS VERSHUN 6.5!!!
rEd HaT hAx0r: WAT BOUT NEW VERSHUN OR KDE??? U LIKE X11???
OpalCat: that might be it. I don’t know, my husband updated it last
rEd HaT hAx0r: is your husbnaad gut to yuo
OpalCat: yes
rEd HaT hAx0r: u drank wine???
OpalCat: not often
rEd HaT hAx0r: humm
rEd HaT hAx0r: wat are yuor hobbes
OpalCat: http://www.opalcat.com/hobbies.html
rEd HaT hAx0r: THAT IZ NEAT…HOBBEZ ON A SYT!!! HAAAAAAAhahahah
rEd HaT hAx0r: i go luuk
rEd HaT hAx0r: WHAT IZ POWER TOOLZ
OpalCat: things like electric drills, saws, sanders, etc
rEd HaT hAx0r: U karful with them??
OpalCat: no, I usually lose a couple of fingers or so each time I use them. I’m only a woman, after all

–
I have over 2000 posts, dammit! Show some respect.
http://fathom.org/opalcat/showmerespect.jpg
O p a l C a t
www.opalcat.com

2

Is that an actual transcrpit? I must say, I laughed my ass off at that. But what really scares me is that I’ve been to that site before. I can’t remember why, though. It’s certainly not the sort of site I usually visit.

3

You know, I always wondered what would happen if we left a guy who flunked out of high school in a room with a computer and Quake.

It ain’t pretty.

4

OPUL KAT,

NEKT TIM U SHULD TRI YOOZIN HIZ LANGIJ N SE IF KOMYUNIKASHUN IZ ENY EEZZER.

PUCH

5

Opal,

I have no idea why you got picked, but his site is clearly a joke, and I think that the IM exchange must have been a joke as well.

I linked to it, thought “wow, that’s pretty bad.” The more I looked, the more I thought that it was too awful to be serious.

I then clicked through to the master site http://www.somethingawful.com , and saw that it’s a site that jokes about truly hideous websites. Jeff K., insane, drooling lab chimp that chose you to IM, seems to be one of their house characters. If you click on the “spam” you can see they try to start conversations with folks to put on the site.

6

Counting Crows.
Hardcore.
Right on, man.

7

My feeling was that it was a joke also, (though I never went to the site) because it was so over the top, however I get a LOT of these and they aren’t all put ons. Usually on ICQ, and generally from middle eastern men. It’s really odd. The ratio of middle eastern to american people who ICQ me is around 10-1.

Nevertheless, you have to agree it’s quite painful.

–
I have over 2000 posts, dammit! Show some respect.
http://fathom.org/opalcat/showmerespect.jpg
O p a l C a t
www.opalcat.com

8

Upon looking at my ICQ messages that collected over the night I find these:
hi!
would you like to make cybersex with me?
or trade our photos?

Hello I am Dil_Jan From Pakistan plz give me way in your list
(_)

HI I AM LOOKING FOR A SEXY GIRL FRIEND ARE YOU?
I AM A HANDSOME BOY IF YOU ARE A BEATIFUL GIRL YOU CAN SEE MY PICTURE AND WE WILL BE GOOD FRIENDS
and it just goes on and on… day after day! AIIIEEEE!

Some of the mail I get is pretty odd too. http://fathom.org/opalcat/letters
I like the ‘trial lesbian’ one.

–
I have over 2000 posts, dammit! Show some respect.
http://fathom.org/opalcat/showmerespect.jpg
O p a l C a t
www.opalcat.com

9

Oh, Opal, I feel your pain. In my case, it’s either desperate sleazy gay men (“AGE? LOC? STATS? LOOKING?”) or, my personal favorite, 13-year-old girls or their pouseurs (“Hi! I live near you! How old are you?”)

Oy. Gives me a headache.

Oh, and somethingawful.com was mentioned in another thread, I think in MPSIMS, but I don’t remember the thread name. I remember going to it and was blown away by its sheer idiocy.

Esprix

Ask the Gay Guy! (or, if you prefer the Jesusfied version, Asketh the damn Priest Guy!)

10

Once, ages ago, before I figured out that you could turn off chat invitations on Compuserve forums, I was in the Parenting sub-section of a sort of “Special Interests” forum that included everything from Conservative politics to musical singing circle group discussions. Anyway, anyone on the main forum could invite anyone else to chat, but I was holding a puking, feverish one month old and desperately seeking information from fellow parents at around 1 am while waiting for the on-call pediatrician to phone back.

Anyway, this guy broke in with:

Him: HEY YOU GIRL? (Great opener)
I typed: Sorry, very busy, can’t talk now.

He attempted to describe my breasts and what he’d like to do with them in extremely broken English, and when I ceased to respond, typed,

“Lesbian!” and immediately signed off.

I must say, I was very impressed that he spelled that correctly.

Why do you suppose so many guys seem to use IM to make irresistable invites like “HI I AM LOOKING FOR A SEXY GIRL FRIEND ARE YOU?
I AM A HANDSOME BOY IF YOU ARE A BEATIFUL GIRL YOU CAN SEE MY PICTURE AND WE WILL BE GOOD FRIENDS,” I mean, does this EVER work?

Or maybe it’s like telemarketing, 94% tell you to go to hell, but 6% might take you up on it?

Ooh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to increase your word power’. That thing is really, really… really… good. – Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington’’

11

Naw, Opal, this guy is just way ahead of his time! Check out the very bottom of his page - Copyright 20000.

12

I should have known better than to read this while eating. Damn Opal I just about choked to death on my pizza. This is way too funny!!

Give your children these two things: One is roots, the other, wings - Wally Wally He’s our Man

13

My thought upon reading that was, “So, bjØrn is IMing people now, eh?”

“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy

Are we kin? Visit me at The Kat House and find out!
Join the FSH Muscular Dystrophy Webring

14

“RACISIMIST”! I love it!

“That’s impossible! Cartman doesn’t know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!”
“Yes I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!”

15

Hmmm…bad spelling, poor logic and a caps problem. I think we have a friend for him.

16

Sadly, if the Internet has proven one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt, it’s that there are a lot of lonely, horny people out there. Before the days of Dialpad, my girlfriend and I used to talk on NetMeeting. Despite the fact of putting “Friends and family only” in her “info”, people (guys) still tried to call her while she was on a server. What’s particularly irritating is that often many of these guys would have “NO MEN, WOMEN ONLY” or “NO GAYS” in their infos. So, it’s alright for them to bother my girlfriend, who has clearly stated she only wants to talk to people she knows, but God forbid a gay person should try and call one of them. Losers.

17

That guy is fucking hilarious. Check out his website. He is truly l33t.

18

sigh

on ICQ:

markes 4/7/00 3:01 PM you are fallen

markes 4/7/00 3:04 PM sexooooooooooooooooo

markes 4/7/00 3:09 PM sex sex sssexXXXX ilove you

markes 4/7/00 3:14 PM i weel gong to usa in 1 manth cosed
i see to you & weth sex to you i love you

markes 4/7/00 3:19 PM i love you can you send to me
sexXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

markes 4/7/00 3:27 PM sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

–
I have over 2000 posts, dammit! Show some respect.
http://fathom.org/opalcat/showmerespect.jpg
O p a l C a t
www.opalcat.com

19

Opal, believe me, it is NOT just you. I have my share of these. Some of my favorites:

Cyberboy619: hi wana chat im 14 and i was delighted by your profile
Cyberboy619: does that mean no
Lrconaway: You’re a kid. If you need help with homework, let me know. Otherwise, I think it’s best to chat with those your age.
Cyberboy619: right
Cyberboy619: good by miss conservitive
Lrconaway: Wow. How about I help you with your spelling: “Goodbye miss conservative.”
Cyberboy619: oh no i made a bobo
Cyberboy619: kiss my (!)
Lrconaway: LOL…a boo boo?

And another (warning, I get pretty gross–I was trying to repulse him and make him go away. Didn’t work, but playing really stupid did):
HtgAirGuy2: do ou ever not wear panties to class
Lrconaway: Sure. 8 year olds love teachers who dress like hookers. Ripped fishnets, smeared bright red lipstick; yep, I go for the streetwalker look. Studies show it increases learning, after all.
Lrconaway: And of course, I sport STDs, just to make the picture all the more complete and accurate.
HtgAirGuy2: i was just curious because i know i tried my best to look when i was in school
Lrconaway: Well, it’s nice you tried.
HtgAirGuy2: so what do you look like
Lrconaway: Well, it depends on if the herpes is in remission. When it acts up, the blisters tend to rub together and pop, and of course, with no panties, the juice just drips down my leg, leaving little drops on the floor.
HtgAirGuy2: nasty lol
Lrconaway: And the genital warts don’t help any, but I figure, when you’re going for the hooker look, everything needs to be realistic.
HtgAirGuy2: stop your making me sick i get it you dont like talking about this
Lrconaway: Gee, I thought you wanted to know.
Lrconaway: You’re the one who asked a complete stranger if she went without underwear in an elementary classroom. Thought I’d just give you what you’re looking for.
HtgAirGuy2: and then some by the way im rich and you are sick i allready know lol
Lrconaway: Oh yes, I can tell by your brilliant wit and eloquence that you are a man of great intellect. I’m guessing you’re a grammarian, or some sort of expert on the English lexicon.
Lrconaway: Your wealth is a natural result of such skill.
HtgAirGuy2: no im a business owner thats always horny
Lrconaway: Horny? Just take the damn viking hat off, then. Horns are usually removable.
HtgAirGuy2: do you have a picture
HtgAirGuy2: lol
Lrconaway: I have several on the walls in here. I mean, I have albums full of pictures.
HtgAirGuy2: that you can send
Lrconaway: Well, I can send them, but it’s expensive postage-wise, and they can get damaged in the mail. I just like to keep them in the albums.
Lrconaway: And the pictures on the wall–golly, the frames would break in transport. Why would you want one of them, anyway?

And one more. A little lengthy, but this guys typifies the mentality I encounter the most. This was back in the day (at least two years ago) when I would bother trying to talk to these freaks. BTW, his opening comment is in reply to something that was in my profile–“I don’t cyber. Give up now.”

Prozacbro3: cant give up…=)
Lrconaway: it is advisable
Prozacbro3: hhehe…and why is that?
Prozacbro3: you deadly?
Lrconaway: no.
Prozacbro3: then why should i give up? =)
Lrconaway: I just don’t cyber.
Lrconaway: Period.
Prozacbro3: hehhe

Prozacbro3: not interested in cybering
Prozacbro3: too hi tech for me
Prozacbro3: =)
Lrconaway: Well, then, why are you saying you won’t give up? On what?
Prozacbro3: i thought you said to give up up…everything besides the cyber
Lrconaway: well, considering I am in a serious committed relationship, there is nothing that will happen in that direction, either.
Prozacbro3: heheh…lots of thing can happen between now and then
Lrconaway: Not in this case.
Prozacbro3: hmm…
Prozacbro3: what if i am a millionare?
Lrconaway: See my profile: Give up now.
Prozacbro3: well, what if i do ?
Prozacbro3: have that much?
Lrconaway: then hooray for you. It makes no difference to me.
Prozacbro3: are you just saying that?
Lrconaway: Not in the least.
Prozacbro3: you dont think that everyone has a price?
Lrconaway: I don’t know about everyone. Just me. And him.
Lrconaway: Money is insignificant.
Lrconaway: It can be replaced. Easily.
Lrconaway: I can’t.
Lrconaway: And neither can he.
Prozacbro3: that’s cuz you’re doing fine…but what if you’re in a desparated situation?
Lrconaway: I am not a whore. I cannot be bought.
Prozacbro3: hmm…you seem to trust him too much
Prozacbro3: didnt say that you’re one

Lrconaway: No such thing.
Prozacbro3: just said that …given a situation…where you meet a millionare…hmmm you wont be tempted?
Lrconaway: Why? Just because he has money?
Lrconaway: That’s obscenely offensive to me.
Lrconaway: I happen to work with low-income families and impoverished children.
Lrconaway: If anything, I would be more predisposed to find an encountered millionaire suspect.
Prozacbro3: and you wouldnt be?
Lrconaway: Listen carefully: No.
Prozacbro3: heheh…
Prozacbro3: then why are you soo pissed off?
Lrconaway: I’m not pissed off. I’m just repeating the truth. Over and over.
Prozacbro3: hmm…that’s what you say now
Lrconaway: That’s what I’ll say later.
Lrconaway: Period.
Lrconaway: Only a fool would find someone attractive based solely on the thickness of that person’s pocketbook.
Lrconaway: I see I’ve silenced you.
Prozacbro3: no lost your screen
Lrconaway: ah.
Prozacbro3: re read your profile…saw that you’re a third grade teach
Lrconaway: Yep.
Prozacbro3: that’s where all your morals come to use
Lrconaway: All of them? No. Some of them? Sure.
Prozacbro3: hope you dont brainwash too many…lol
Lrconaway: Morals are amazingly versatile. They can be used in a variety of situations, not just teaching.
Prozacbro3: my IM friend thinks …money can buy things too
Lrconaway: well, hooray for your IM friend
Lrconaway: there are several people who believe that.
Lrconaway: And the people who believe that are the ones who can be bought.
Lrconaway: I, however, do not believe in it. Therefore, I cannot be bought.
Lrconaway: Frankly, I am priceless. And priceless people can’t be bought. :wink:
Prozacbro3: well, continue this conversation with britzbro…i gotta …take off…he thinks you’ll wake up one day
Lrconaway: That’s more than I would think of him.

Teaching: The ultimate birth control method.

Laura’s Stuff and Things

20

http://www.baiting.org

Go there. Laugh your ass off.

Yer pal,
Satan