So I’m sitting in the computer lab, killing time until PolSci, when the ground starts shaking. I thought the rift in So Mo finally snapped or something, until I hear a faint “HEY HEY HEY!” I turn my head, and a look of pure terror sweeps over my face. Quite possibly the largest human being on this Earth of ours has entered the facility. When the rumbling of the concrete floors stops, I turn to see a chair bent terribly under his girth. I turn my head back to my screen and continue on my business. The wind starts to blow, and the blinds are shaking. No, wait, that’s him hyperventilating from the walk. He’s shuddering and gasping, unable to breathe. Is he having a heartattack? No. He’s just freaking enormous. I try to ignore the sound, but I cannot. It fills the room with it’s terrible essence. ::SNOOORT psheeeew, snOOOORt, pshewwwww:: My day continues on, I am unfaltering. I read MPSIMS, I read GQ, ignoring the horrible wheezing behind me.
The ground begins to shake again as he makes his move! He ups and staggers over, rounding the table and, OH NO! He’s sitting right by me! The sound is unbearable! I cannot hear a thing for his gasping and wheezing! The humanity! All is not lost, for he puts on his headphones to listen to THE MOST HORRIBLE, GOD AWFUL, NO TALENT, PATHETIC rap music EVER!!! And he has it up SO LOUD (so he can hear over his gasping, perhaps) that I can CLEARLY hear the weak beat and poor rhymes, absolutely no skill. ARGGGHHH!!!
Look here. Two rules.
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DO NOT breath so loud that it disrupts others, DO NOT snort and gobble like you’re trying to hoover a fist sized goblet of snot from your inner sinus, DO NOT wheeze and gasp loud enough to shake the walls, and
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TURN YOUR FUCKING MUSIC DOWN! No one else wants to hear it, GODDAMN IT! TURN IT DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN before I KILL YOU!
Oh my God. He’s got his hands down the front of his pants. I think he’s masturbating, I swear, that’s what it looks like. He’s pulled up closer to the desk now, so I can’t really tell. Ewww oh God I’m going to be blind. The humanity, oh, the humanity.
He keeps looking over at my screen trying to see what I’m writing. I set the font to 5pt, dick weed. Don’t be so damned curious.
TURN THAT GOD DAMNED MUSIC OFF, and GO GET YOUR DEVIATED SEPTUM FIXED, and GO WORK OUT SO YOUR CARDIOVASCULAR SYSTEM WILL STOP THROBBING HARD ENOUGH TO BOW THE WALLS OF THIS COMPLEX! Yeah, you might have an eating disorder, or a hyperative thyroid, or some shit like that, but nobody gets THIS big over that. And even if you DO, you owe it to yourself to be in good enough shape you can sit normally, and be still, and not gasp and wheeze and breathe through your mouth!
And his nose is making a whistling noise too, now. Oh dear God. Fuck this. I’m going to class.
–Tim
