That sounds great in theory, Pixelle. But the women I’ve known who received negative feedback on their oral skills (mostly not women I was involved with; I’m talking about female friends and conversations I’ve overheard) usually think there is something wrong with him. Because, as we all know, men are all the same, blowjobs are all the same, and women are always more knowledgeable about sex then men, so they couldn’t possibly be at fault. :rolleyes:
tanookie, (boy, you sure do have a way of showing up in threads about sex! ) I won’t deny that communication has been a real problem in most of my relationships in the past. I am much more shy around women than I am on this Board, and I would usually rather dump someone rather than work on any problems. Sad, I suppose, but true. As for “finding a different type of woman,” what, exactly, does that mean? I don’t go fishing for certain types right now. Should I start going to church and try to meet women there? In my brief life I have run into only two recognizeable categories of women when it came to sex: 1) the kind that wants to do it, and 2) the type that doesn’t. Number two includes all the ones who want to get married first, who are frigid, etc.
So I’m a little bit at a loss when someone tells me I need to meet a different type of woman. What other type is there?
Hey! I identified and understood all my bits from a young age, but that hasn’t stopped me from getting bad head. Or bad hand, for that matter. As long as we were able to communicate, everything gets happily resolved, the only woman you should listen to advice from is the one you’re interested in pleasuring.
There does seem to be sort of a Catch-22 for the guys, if you fail to heap compliments on our oral skills we stop applying them whatsoever, so how can you gently encourage without injuring our fragile ego’s? Some women I know refuse to even communicate, they fall into the above mentioned ‘it must be something wrong with him’ camp, which blows my mind. Sure, those are stereotypes, but not uncommon at all.
No, we’re not the sole authority, yes Cosmo and other sources like to make it appear so.
In our defense, it might not be much but I for one am certainly willing to learn what my partner likes and tailor my efforts accordingly, whereas the same courtesy has often not been extended towards me.
Most women are more flexible, it goes with the whole nurturing care-giving thing. I’ll admit to being afraid to communicate in detail with my partners about my desires, which understandably is quite frustrating and unfair, but at least I was young and dumb. Hopefully most women grow out of it eventually.
Well lizard you need the type of girl who can draw you out of your shyness. I can’t say she has brown hair and green eyes and when you meet her she’ll utter the secret codewords ‘the rooster barks at midnight.’ You just have to keep trying. The best place to find people is by doing things you really like and striking up conversation with the people you meet in the process. If you don’t like church you aren’t really likely to find a lady you want to stay with there.
My hubby had problems discussing some things about sex early on (he’s shy too). My perspective is if you can do it you can talk it through too. I also would think it would be a lot harder to say ‘I never want to see you again’ than ‘would you mind doing that a little lower and to the right?’ I’m sure there are exceptions but I know I’m not a mind reader so feedback is important. Sex, like every other part of the relationship, is about communication and compromise. So let her know what you like and be willing to listen to her too. You could even phrase it nice so it’s not ‘gee you give the worst head I’ve ever had’ but more like ‘I’d really like to experience how it feels when you do this’ (fill in your own this … I’m not doctor ruth
(oh and I do show up in non sex threads! I swear! I’ve even started some about my cats and my kids)
Not something I would talk about… but I do have a (written) commendation for my skills :o Yes, some women are complacent, and many think there’s a one size fits all format. It gets better as you get older, in my experience.
Allow me to be your first: I, Shrew, claim no skill with men. I am horribly shy, painfully inexperienced, and will most likely be awkward and bumbling with any man the first go round.
This is currently my problem. Someone tell me what the solution is. Mrs. Mastema; however, doesn’t believe that it must be something wrong with me, she just believes that it is something not talked about. I ask questions, I try new things, but for the most part I just have to read body reactions and guess. To top it all off (no pun intended) she is one who cannot be criticized or she just stops trying. I am open to suggestions. Please apply doper wisdom to this.
You might try turning your critique into positive reinforcement format, as in “ooooh, that’s good! but try this…ahhh, yes, THAT’s AMAZING!” (or equivalent happy noises/gestures/expressions, if you’re beyond the ability to form actual sentences by that point). Maybe she’ll even take your cue and do the same, and everyone will screw happily ever after.
P.S. What if someone tells you how wonderful you were years after you broke up, from 1,000 miles away on the phone, once you are both quite involved with other people (but still remain friends)? Can that commentary be taken minus the grain of salt?
That said, people who are dishonest about whether they like something have nobody to blame for the result but themselves, provided the giver is sincerely trying. Really, there are ways to explain what you want without it sounding like criticism. Maybe her last lover sincerely thought she was great, and so she’s doing the same thing to you, but you like it differently than he did. Is that really her fault? No matter how well-intentioned, odds are that your S.O. is not psychic.
Mermaid, you don’t have to piss on a mirror to find out where your urethral opening is and I never suggested that you should. You just use the mirror and your eyes to find out which hole is which.
Obviously some women weren’t paying attention in biology class when the anatomical drawings of the female genitalia were shown. And if you get past the stage where you’ve begun menstruating and you still don’t know where you pee from or that you don’t have to remove your tampon to pee, that does sound like ignorance to me!
Just from what I’ve observed, I really do believe that there’s a lot of women who lack a natural curiosity when they’re young about how things work, especially there own bodies. If men had genitalia like ours you can bet your arse that they’d be down there with the mirror attempting to find out exactly what’s going on. They’d just have to know to satisfy their own curiosity
If a woman is giving you a BJ, guys, the WORST thing you can do is push down on the back of her head. If she’s got the Deep Throat technique down, you’ll find out, and if she doesn’t, you’ll just make me…uhhhh, her mad, or else she’ll feel inadequate and that’s when the stopping starts.
And, no, not every woman can do that. Some of us have very active gag reflexes.
I think women misuderstand why we push their heads down. It’s not because we want them to deep throat us. Any woman who can deep throat will do it soon enough (I’ve been with several deepthroaters, and all of them demonstrated their skill within the first couple of minutes of a blowjob).
We push your heads down because a lot of women concentrate on the head of the penis and never take more of it in their mouths. We are attempting to do exactly what has been suggested many times in this thread: provide feedback to let you know what will make us feel good. Maybe we push too hard sometimes (although I think women react so negatively because they have been taught that they should rather than reacting to the actual force of the push), but that’s because we’re dying over here waiting for you to actually suck our dicks!
The point is that depending on the guy’s size, sometimes it actually is uncomfortable to take more than just the head in. Personally, I take as much in my mouth as I can, so someone pushing my head down is pretty damn annoying. I’m already doing what I can - I don’t want to be forced into discomfort.
My, my. All this time I have been giving men the benefit of the doubt. I have never jumped on that “men are neanderthals” bandwagon. Seems I was wrong. Instead of verbalizing your needs and desires, you just savagely shove our heads into your crotch.
I’ll chime in on the whole pushing the girl’s head down (and I’m female)
If you’re going to give feedback in this manner please be gentle about it. If you ram hard of course you’re going to trigger her defensive reflex and most likely her gag reflex. Also be cognizant of her comfort level… If you are causing her discomfort she is more likely to not want to repeat the experience.
I do understand that speech can be difficult and giving verbal directions can lead to a three stooges routine. “honey more to the right” “no my right” “ack no not like that” Sometimes it is just easier to nudge Just make sure when she tries to move you into a better position that you react favorably too!
And sometimes it can be sexy to have him guide her motions … just not in the porn style of jackhammer ramming!
I am gentle when I push. I wouldn’t even call it a push; most times I merely place my hand on the back of her head. But the reaction is usually as if I had actually tried to forced her head down. I don’t try that approach any more.
I have tried talking to my partners about what I like, but it has seldom helped. One former girlfriend wanted to improve, but breathing difficulties made it impossible for her to do it for very long. That was understandable.
My wife, on the other hand, just decided that she was no good at it and if she’s no good at something she doesn’t do it. She didn’t decide she was no good because of anything I told her. She decided it on her own. How she knows whether I enjoyed it or not is beyond me. I thought I was enjoying it. I made sounds like I was enjoying it. I told her I was enjoying it. She concluded I wasn’t enjoying it. Now I live a blowjob-free life. I don’t think it’s fair, but whatcha gonna do?
Yeah, an “mmmm more, oh yes” is much better than the back of the head pushing.
Mastema if she’s uncomfortable talking about the nitty gritty maybe you could do something to lighten the moment, put the goofiness back in to make everything less serious. Schedule some quality alone time and bring edible props into play, it’s hard to remain in the defensive criticism mode when whipped cream or chocolate syrup is involved.
Heap on the compliments, try the “honey, I had an amazing dream last night/fantasy at work today where you and I were ______ and it was so incredible!” It can be hugely arousing to hear about how much we arouse you, just adjust the detail level to her comfort.
) I won’t deny that communication has been a real problem in most of my relationships in the past. I am much more shy around women than I am on this Board, and I would usually rather dump someone rather than work on any problems. Sad, I suppose, but true. As for “finding a different type of woman,” what, exactly, does that mean? I don’t go fishing for certain types right now. Should I start going to church and try to meet women there? In my brief life I have run into only two recognizeable categories of women when it came to sex: 1) the kind that wants to do it, and 2) the type that doesn’t. Number two includes all the ones who want to get married first, who are frigid, etc.
