That’s stupid. Women do not have a monopoly on being afraid. I might react that way if I were panic-level afraid, but I wouldn’t in any way try to defend it as proper or refuse to tell the person what’s wrong once I’ve calmed down.
And, frankly, the idea that he hadn’t even stepped inside the house before she freaked out makes your explanation seem improbable. Especially since he’s overheard her talk about it, and she didn’t mention fear.
(I of course work under the assumption that all information given is accurate, or what’s the point of discussing anything?)
No, we don’t. We are, however, much more likely to be sexually assaulted and often by people that we know - including friendly seeming coworkers and neighbors. It’s not fair (or realistic) for people who generally don’t have to deal with the daily repercussions of this fact to say what is or is not a reasonable level of caution. The threat is real, and on top of that, if an assault does occur the victim will most likely be the target of Monday-morning quarterbackers lining up to tell them that it happened because they weren’t cautious enough.
And I have to explain all this to a grown adult? Sort of embarrassed for you right now, to be honest.
In any case, we don’t know if her dislike of him is rooted in this incident or not. It doesn’t really matter. There’s nothing really satisfactory he can do about it, and they will likely both be happier if he just lets it go.
Whatever her reason, if my neighbor and co-worker were audibly calling me a loser, I’d march over there and knock on the door to let her know how thin the walls here are and that I don’t appreciate her calling me names within my earshot. (This isn’t Internet bravado; I did something similar to my boss years ago at a conference, and resigned soon thereafter). She doesn’t have to like him, but it’s damned rude to talk shit about someone within their earshot.
I maintain that I do have a modicum of grounds, because I am a human being, although indeed a man as you probably surmised.
Now, if what the OP really means is that he walked well inside the apartment and started lifting or moving things without any kind of preamble or permission, I would agree with you that is intrusive and creepy. But that’s not how I interpreted it, because I’m assuming routine normal behavior on his part. Granted, that is an assumption on my part. But if it’s a valid one–if all he did was tentatively step inside and say “Hello?” or “Excuse me?”, and “Could you use some help?”, then I don’t think he was out of line at all. And, if nothing else, it’s usually not a bad idea to know who your neighbors are.
Gonna have to disagree here. I don’t think it’s normal behavior to walk into someone’s living space uninvited. Normal human beings knock and wait to be acknowledged.
If someone walks into my home without my permission I’m going to assume they do not understand boundaries and would most likely be cordial but distant from then on out.
OP, by your statement, you decided to show her around the city, show her how the schools and classes work, get her settled in her apartment. What you intended as friendly helpfulness may have come across as superiority and condescension.
I’m sure she misunderstood and you are just a very nice person, but the evidence presented suggests your were pushy more than that she is jealous, insecure, bitchy, sexually paranoid, and driven insane by her hormones.
But you have to knock on her door and let her know you can hear every word of her phone calls; both of you deserve at least that much privacy.
That’s a stupid rephrasing, Myrnalene, as it implies a deliberate effort to listen to the conversations. The point isn’t that the neighbor can’t think you’re a loser; the point is that the neighbor needs to know that the conversation is being overheard. She’s free to talk whatever shit she wants about the OP, but the OP is also free to comment on her conversations (e.g., “Fuck you, you stupid bitch, not everyone wants in your pants, and I wouldn’t fuck you with George Takei’s dick!”) if she’s carrying them on within his earshot.
In fact, hollering something like that out next time she’s talking loudly enough to be heard through the walls might fix the problem.
I’m not sure you really disagree with me on principle; remember the door is open. If it were me I’d have knocked on the door and politely tried to get the occupant’s attention. I wouldn’t have walked fully into the apartment, but would have kept my hand on the doorframe, or door handle, to indicate that I didn’t want to go any further without some kind of response from the neighbor indicating that it was OK. Since the OP’s neighbor said ‘do not enter’, I’m assuming that he didn’t truly enter the apartment.
The OP did say it was the culture there for teachers to leave the doors open to indicate that they were receiving guests, and walking through the door doesn’t have the same kind of violative significance that we’re used to (maybe more like a dorm situation in college), but this woman was new, and likely wasn’t aware of that convention for local teachers. I can understand both why the OP would reflexively assume she was “open” to walk in vistors, and why she would be freaked out by it if she didn’t know people were big on pop-ins there. The OP probably should have realized she might not know, and it was a faux pas (however innocent it might have been), but it sounds like he’s taking the advice to just back off and leave bad enough alone. In time, she might come around to some kind of civility or friendship, or she might not. As long as it doesn’t affect any professional relationship they might have, it doesn’t really matter.
Varies by location, I’m used to walking in saying “hey” simultaneously, if the door is open. Knocking on an open door is something people do in or making fun of American movies. If you want that space to be “closed”, close the door, that’s what they’re for.
You said that you would match over, knock on her door, and confront her about the contents of her conversation, so I don’t think it’s that much of a rephrasing.
It’s unfortunate that the walls are thin enough to be able to hear her, but the polite thing to do is 1) attempt not to eavesdrop (turn up the TV when her voice comes through or something), not to stand there and listen to her private phone calls for fuck’s sake and 2) yes, let her know that the sound carries like that. The latter is probably best done with a note or something similar, since emotions are already elevated on the part of the OP and the woman. There’s no need to let her know what exactly was heard, she will realize what may have been overheard herself.
I have to find your outrage amusing (marching over there all fire & brimstone and / or screamed
invectives about George Takei’s genitals). I’mma tell you a secret, Dorkness, there’s at least one person out there who really doesn’t like you. There’s at least one person (cough) who really doesn’t like me. In fact, if you are reading this, or on the internet, or anywhere on the planet - someone out there doesn’t like you and has talked shit about you and will do again. Falsehoods should be confronted, but in this case it seems to just be a personality mismatch and there’s no way to handle it other than being philosophic - at least no way that will not make the situation even more fraught, which the OP does not seem to want to do.
She is free to dislike him and call him a middle aged loser in private, and he is free to sit in his apartment and nurse his own dislikes, both deserved and petty, and talk about whoever he wants to talk about, and the earth will continue to spin on its axis.
It took me until about 30 to accept that some people are just jerks for no apparent reason; it’s just in their nature. And no matter what I do, I’ll never get everyone to be at least neutral towards me.
It’s good to know if someone dislikes you though, because you can be prepared for them being unfair / rude / spiteful towards you.
I’ve noticed that generally when people take a disliking to someone, they often feel it gives them free licence to be as horrible to that person as they like, and still feel like “the good guy”. So I know that if someone dislikes me, I need to be ready for that.
Do NOT knock on her door and tell her that you dislike anything! Esp. being called stuff by her. How would YOU like somebody that you’ve been talking trash about to come to your house and confront you on it? Do you think she wants to *reason *with you about her feelings??? Esp. with some ‘middle age loser?’
You are in a precarious place as it is: Once, you entered her apartment, mol, without her permission, and then you go pounding on her door again, accusing her of something she’s never done! At least, that’s what she’ll tell the police.
You did no large wrong in trying to help her on her moving day. That is a meme, of sorts: New neighbor comes knocking, when the door is open, on moving day…not unreasonable at all.
I think she wants to either have your job, if you are her superior, or she wants your boss to think she’s a better employee than you. You’ve served your purpose, now she wants nothing to do with you. I’ve seen this scenario before: all nice and polite when being shown around, and a big FY once she knows what’s going on. Fish eye time. This one is where my money is.
You don’t want to be friends with a psycho. You have a gf. You were there alone before she came into the picture, and you were doing well. Why should you care what some psycho does? If you want to become friends with crazy people, Charles Manson may like a letter from China. I bet you’d get a better response from him.
Scrape this one off. If she speaks too loudly and calls you names, complain about the volume to the police or the apt mgr. That’s about all you can do.