This.
Just out of curiousity, why is it a violation of boundaries to look poison arrows at someone, but not a violation of boundaries to walk into someone’s apartment without announcing it, let alone asking permission?
To be completely honest here, I don’t know why so many people seem to be thinking that the OP is being upfront with us. His OP was all, “I never did anything to her!” Then, when it’s suggested that he make an issue of things with their mutual supervision he pooh-poohs that idea. Then, in post #19 he’s going, “Well there was that time I upset her by trying to be a nice guy and walking into her private space without so much as a by-your-leave.” I do not believe that the OP has told us everything that this woman has against him. At this point, I suspect that the reason he doesn’t want to escalate things with his supervision is because she’ll have many other incidents to complain about, too.
It may all be innocent stuff, as he presented his intent on walking in on her space. Even if that is the case*, that doesn’t mean she has no reason to be pissed at him.
To the OP, whether you’ve been open with us, or not, let her be.
*A case that I firmly believe to be contrary to fact.
If the OP’s story is reasonably accurate, she’s acting like a bitch. She has no reason to be openly hostile. If he’s lying to us, then why the hell is he asking us for our opinions?
Even if it’s a case of him walking in unannounced and that’s what it’s all about, again I think this is just another facet of culture shock. If she continues to be mortified by people intruding with their physical presence into her personal bubble, she’s got a fun year ahead of her in China.
The general rule with previous and the other current teachers has been that if your door is open then visitors are welcome.
We do that to signal to other teachers and also to the students if we are in a social mood or not.
There are about 500 teachers and about 30,000 students on campus, so privacy is hard to come by.
I can understand that if she did not know about the rule then she could possibly be upset.
The best advice so far seems to be to just leave her alone and ignore her, so I will do that.
Have your gut feelings about internet postings really proven so accurate as to “firmly believe” them rather than merely giving you a strong suspicion? If so then kudos to your mentalist abilities.
It’s probably a mis understanding, something got lost in the translation somewhere, maybe her students were trying to relate something to her about you and it came out wrong or whatever.
just forget about it, match her bitch for bitch and she’ll probably chill…eventually
Even if he wasn’t, based on the description, most people in the girl’s position would not be crazy to assume from the beginning that the OP was crushing on her. Spending hours showing her around the city, inviting her to his classes, walking into her house… Right from day 1, the girl, bitch or not, probably justifiably felt there was just a little too much super-nice, crushing on me, twice my age OP in her life, probably just what a girl in her position would not be looking for the day she arrived on her voluntary adventure in a foreign land. She was probably pleasant the first day, per the OP , because she is not a total bitch. But as the days went on and her signals (that either she wasn’t skilled at giving, or the OP wasn’t skilled at receiving) that she would really just prefer to find her bearings alone in her strange new world were ineffective, then enter phase 2- be a bitch. If that doesnt work, phase 3 is be a raging bitch, and phase 4 is mace.
I really don’t think that an older colleague showing you around and letting you sit in on his classes is so obviously “crushing” on someone. To be honest, she should be a little grateful when she’s in a completely foreign country and work environment. And as far as I see, there was no “as the days went on”. In fact he says “ever since that day [of sitting in on the class] the new teacher has not spoken to me”.
But whatever. Some girls are predisposed to think everyone is hitting on them so maybe that is what she is thinking. That’s her prerogative, but I don’t think we can say it’s particularly justified from the story we have.
No, not obviously, but what I said was one wouldn’t be crazy to think that’s what it was. Honestly, that the OP was baffled by her behavior, and only after much thought and discussion here concluded that maybe an incident that happened where he walked into her apartment unannounced and she told him not to enter might have something to do with it strikes me as a little odd, that he would not have picked up on that as the single most obvious factor causing her behavior.
I dont think the OP necessarily did anything wrong, and believe he was just trying to be helpful, but since the story we have includes that pretty significant oversight, it’s much harder to accurately assess her behavior. It’s equally likely the OP is forgetting to mention something else that happened, that he believes to be insignificant, or simply didn’t notice, that would totally justify her actions, as it is that she is simply predisposed to think everyone is hitting on her.
It’s impossible to tell from what the OP has posted here what the problem is. If I had to guess, though, it would be that when she sat in on his class, she found something about his teaching style or his interaction with his female students inappropriate or off-putting.
Maybe she’s tired of you listening to her phone calls and obsessing about her.
Remember also that the door of the apartment was open, and she was moving in. I didn’t take the OPs statement to mean he actually did walk in; it sounds like he took a step or two into the room as one might do when introducing oneself.
When offered help she didn’t need, the correct response would have been to politely refuse. It would have then been up to the OP to heed the subtext. But just to say Do not enter! Who does that besides a robot from a 1960s sci-fi TV show?
I admit it, I hate to have anyone show up unannounced, when I’m at home and have the door closed. But if I’m moving into a place and the door’s open, I wouldn’t bite someone’s head off for offering help.
Well, if his ears are itching…
As SOP mentions, this is the part that seems odd. Even if the person is private then it would seem normal to allow them in or say “I prefer to do this myself”. Unless of course you had something really embarrassing on display like a huge vibrator. Even then though, I would perceive that after the item was put away you could remain at least on cordial terms with the person.
The expat life attracts weirdos. Maybe she’s one of them, and that’s all there is to it.
There’s so many possibilities here that speculation is meaningless beyond being entertaining for all of us.
Who said the OP has perceived and remembered things correctly? Who said the young lady in question heard what he said?
She may, or may not have misunderstood something. She may just be the sort of person that has to be the centre of attention, or she may have felt he was being overbearing and condescending.
Someone may have spread a nasty rumoour that has coloured her thinking, or there may be some true gossip that she is justified in holding against him.
MOST woman are not the jealous type - but this doesn’t mean she’s rational either.
For what it’s worth, I vote that it’s part culture shock, part misunderstandiing and part over sensitivity on the part of the OP.
And there is also a certain sterotype of expats that I hear all the time - which is particularly harsh and unfair on guys.
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I don’t know, maybe a single woman living alone who was startled by a very new male acquaintance barging unexpectedly into her personal space?
I get that you may not think that her wariness was justified (although frankly if you are a man, you can have no real grounds to judge whether it was or no) but this inability to even comprehend the reason behind her nervousness…are you seriously that confused?