Why would a 9 yo suddenly be anxious about school?

In My Humble Opinion
1

(Long post, but I’m trying to give all the necessary background.) Our 9 yo son started fourth grade this year. He showed no apprehension about the coming start of school, neither excited nor particularly unhappy about it. We did the normal back to school routine with buying supplies, picking out clothes, going to his orientation to meet the new teacher, etc. Same school, same bus, same friends. All seemed fine.

On the first day of school, he woke up sobbing and got progressively more upset. He was begging not to go to school, saying he just didn’t want to go, but without any specific reason. This was a surprise. He’s never done this before. Our initial reaction was a bit of dismay but realizing that every kid complains about going to school, expecting him to snap out of it and get back into the routine. He didn’t. He was sobbing and complaining of chest pains for the next hour. His mother and I both thought there was some true anxiety at work, something more than just a kid not wanting to go to school.

He was sobbing and begging as we walked to the bus stop, and then he took a minute to compose himself so he wouldn’t embarrass himself in front of his friends. He managed to stop crying but he got on the bus looking terribly sad and anxious.

The same thing has happened for six days now. He comes home from school seeming fine and says everything was okay at school. His teacher is very attentive and concerned about him, and he agrees that she’s very nice. He is now on close terms with the school counselor, who also is very helpful. He often asks to speak with her when he first arrives at school, and I’ve sat in on those talks a few times after driving him to school. She encourages him to remember that everything is really fine and he’s got a lot of people supporting him, and then he heads off to class seeming to feel better.

Of course, we’ve tried very hard to determine if there is anything specific that he’s upset about. He insists that no one is bullying him, no one has bothered him, the adults at school are nice to him. He’s cited some pretty minor issues such as not having time to finish his busy work in homeroom in the morning, but those have been addressed.

In addition to the school counselor, we took him to see a child psychologist. They had a good talk, but he didn’t reveal anything different or illustrative. She, and the counselor, taught him some relaxation tips like deep breathing and gave the parents a few practical tips.

This is a kid who is a good student, never a behavior problem, quite social, involved with sports, and we’ve always thought of him as confident. He flies on his own for visits with relatives, spending up to a week away from his parents sometimes. He can be a serious kid sometimes, and he’s always been focused on following the rules. He’s also extremely focused on time, wanting to know when something will start, how long it will last, how long it takes to get there, etc. He can tell you precisely what time he woke up this morning or during the night.

One event that we think is relevant was his recent attempt at a sleep away camp: He was supposed to go for two weeks but we had to go get him after only three nights. He was desperately homesick and just did not enjoy the camp experience one bit. We were quite surprised because he went with one of his best buddies from school and we thought he would really love it. We talked with him a lot to see if anything untoward or scary happened at the camp, but he insists it was nothing like that.

Over the weekend, it seemed that maybe he was turning a corner and getting more relaxed about school. He said he thought his mornings would be fine and we could talk about it in a relaxed way. He’s been wanting a new video game and so we told him he could get it on Wednesday if he had three good mornings before school. He readily said yes. I thought maybe we were doing well because I didn’t want to just be played like a Stradivarius by a 9 yo boy. If at least part of this was fakery or exaggerated, I figured that goal would motivate him to stop.

This morning he woke up at 5:30 am sobbing and saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry about all this.” On top of everything else, now he’s aware that this is a problem for Mom and Dad and they’re unhappy with it. (Mind you, we’ve been only gentle and supportive because we really do think there’s genuine anxiety here, even if he’s also just being a boy who doesn’t want to go to school.) He also says things like “I’m trying to feel better but I can’t” and “You just don’t understand how bad it feels.” That breaks my heart, because I’ve had serious depression before and I can’t stand the idea of him going through something like that.

He didn’t get any better through the morning and wanted to talk with the counselor as soon as he got to school. Another uneventful day and he’s fine this evening. We have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday, but we’re flummoxed.

And very, very sad to see our wonderful little boy this way. :frowning:

2

Is everyone sure he’s not being bullied?

3

Well, I read the title and though some kid said last year “I’m going to kick your ass when I see you next year” because it happened to me and I was terrified.
But this sounds like it might be more than that, like maybe something really bad may have happened either at school last year or at camp.
Bad could be anything from wetting one’s pants in public to being molested or something, hard to say what’s important to a 9-year old.

4

I’m guessing something happened at camp that he doesn’t want to talk about. I’m sorry and I hope it’s not the case, but my first instinct when something like this happens is sexual abuse or bullying.

It’s also possible that he’s developing an anxiety disorder. 9 years old is not an unusual age of onset for things like this. And again, I’m sorry. It sounds like it must be really difficult to see him suffer like this.

5

Aww. I feel so bad for him. It sounds like this may be more generalized anxiety disorder than something specific, but it’s good that you’re exploring all of the avenues.

I was an extremely anxious child, which was also exacerbated by bullying. When I was 9 years old, I had an existential crisis, suddenly becoming aware that I and everyone I knew was going to die some day. I was miserable until one day I was sobbing uncontrollably, and finally was able to explain it to my parents. They were very kind and understanding (although they had no good answer, and gave me a plain scientific explanation of death, with no religious trappings or afterlife). Things got better after that, although I still had severe anxiety, which improved only many years later with therapy.

It sounds like something is going on in his head. You’ve given him multiple options for sharing it, so hopefully something will trigger his ability to tell you, or the counselor, or the psychiatrist what is going on.

6

He’s being bullied or molested.

If the shrink doesn’t help, fire that Gomer & get a new one.

Act.

7

It sounds like the beginnings of a social anxiety disorder. Is he pulling away from activities that he normally likes? Would he rather stay home alone than go out with his friends?

8

Can you ask his best friend’s parents to do some sleuthing? He may be confiding in his friends instead of grownups.

Speaking of…have you seen the best friend since your son came home from camp early? Have they had a falling out?

9

Have you told your son about your personal experiences with depression? It could be as simple as early-onset anxiety/depression, no triggers involved. I wouldn’t jump right to the conclusion of sexual molestation, although that or bullying are possibilities. But an anxious kid doesn’t necessarily have to have been traumatized. Certainly don’t suggest anything like that within his hearing (unless he mentions it first, of course).

Maybe you could phrase it like, “Sometimes people get really upset when bad things happen to them. Other times, people get really upset but they can’t figure out why. If something bad happened to you, we hope you know you can tell us anything and we can get a doctor to help. Or, if you’re upset and you don’t know why, a doctor can help you with that too.” A conversation like this has a chance of sussing out whether there’s an event that triggered his anxiety, or whether it’s generalized/organic.

Regardless of whether his anxiety is specific or general, medication may be called for if he doesn’t benefit from counseling.

10

Thanks for the concern and suggestions everyone.
We’re pretty certain there’s no bullying, just because we think we’d know about it even if he didn’t want to tell us. We’re also pretty sure – as much as you can be, I guess – that it’s not an adult or older kid molesting him. Not because we’re naïve or because he hasn’t told us, but because he’s supervised almost all the time and there’s just hardly any opportunity.
He and his friend that went to camp with him are still best buds. The friend came over for a playdate recently and they talked about camp. The friend loved it because he got away from his little brother and little sister for two weeks. Our son is an only child and we think a large part of his unhappiness there was that he simply likes what’s he’s got going at home, especially in the summer.
Just remembered one thing from the camp experience: Once he decided he didn’t like it and wanted to go home, apparently he wanted to hang out with the counselors all the time rather than just hang with the other campers. He seemed to feel more secure around them. Again, we were surprised because he’s normally a kid who loves being with a group of boys roughhousing, making fart jokes, all the normal stuff.
As for whether he’s pulling away from social activities and friends, I don’t really think so. He’s always been one to need a little prodding to get out of the house and play, etc., but once he does he is right in the mix, roughing it up with the other boys. We haven’t seen any change in that lately. Still, social anxiety disorder is the closest thing that fits what we’re seeing, I guess.
He’s about to go to sleep, and I’m dreading 5:30 a.m.

11

That really screams “molestation” behavior to me, maybe with one of the counselors he suddenly wanted to be around. Or…do you suppose he may have had an exploratory, consensual same sex experience? I’m not talking molestation, or even penetration, but just a little kissing or petting with one of the other campers? And maybe he’s feeling confused and embarrassed and scared of other boys his age right now? Could be why he sought out the counselors, and why time away from school seems to build his confidence, but then the thought of going back to school and seeing a boy he had an experience with or has a crush on is too much to bear? And he’s afraid to tell you 'cause he isn’t sure how you’ll react?

It’s probably way out there as theories go. But it’s also how some of my gay friends have told me they acted when they first started figuring out they were gay, and he’s right about the perfect age for summer camp fumblings…

12

I think this is a reach. The wetting his pants scenario is much more likely (or something embarrassing). Or maybe he ended up on a cringe website, or maybe he asked a girl out and she said no. Let’s be a bit more creative before we jump to molestation, people.

13

My heart goes out to all of you.

Until you’re able to determine the problem is it possible for him to miss a few days or maybe even a week of school while doing his work at home?

Also, just to gauge his reaction, have you asked him if he’d prefer going to another school? His answer to this question might help in determining whether it’s something definite at the school or whether it’s something within him that doesn’t feel right.

When I was in the first grade, I remember a little girl who would come to school late every day and you could hear her screaming all the way down the hallway as her parents dragged her into the classroom. I recall them all being from another country and the little girl didn’t speak English very well yet. While in the parent’s presence, our first grade teacher (a very mean nun) would be as sweet as pie. What her parents didn’t know is that as soon as they were off of school grounds, Sister Mary Padua was rapping the little girl’s knuckles with a ruler, yanking her hair, getting in her face to intimidate her and literally scaring the poor child to death all because she couldn’t read or speak English very well. Needless to say, all of us who witnessed this were scared out of our wits, too.

I share this to caution that while the school may be telling you that everything is fine, you may want to trust what your child’s reaction is telling you until you know firsthand what the real issue is.

14

You’re probably right. I’ve probably been hanging out in the “groped” thread too much. :frowning:

15

It occurs to me that the key event may in fact be the homesickness itself. I suffer badly with homesickness myself. It must have been a huge shock for an outgoing kid who had been looking forward to going away to find out that he became so unhappy once he was there and so desperate to get back home. It’s a horrible limit on ones hopes and dreams to fear that you can’t bear to be away from home.

It seems to me that anxiety about being away from home could explain why he’s so upset in the mornings when he has to leave and much calmer once he is back. I think it is worth you and others concerned to explore how he feels about home. Is he anxious that something terrible will happen when he is away or does being away make him anxious in itself?

16

Get a physical. My son started dreading school and withdrawing while at school. Turned he had Lyme disease and just felt horrible all the time but didnt know how to describe it.

17

Apparently this is becoming a more common occurrence. My husband told me yesterday that the city had announced that school counselors are available for pre-school jitters.

I hope it all works out for you. It’s a tricky fine line between support and awfulizing.

18

While it’s crertainly a possibility, I wouln’t be jumping straight to him being molested or bullied.

I was a bit like your son at that age, part of it was not liking school due to one giant flamming asshole teacher, part was just home-sickness and wanting to be safe in my room my stuff and the rest was a feeling of dread/anxiety that if something ‘bad’ happened I would be away from my family.

In this case '‘bad’ could have been anything from nuclear war (this was the late 1970’s/early '80’s) to an invasion from Mars (damn you Jeff Wayne!) to ‘losing’ everyone (car crash/fire/volcano or whatever my over-active 9-year old brain had latched onto).

My niece was the same when Comet Shoemaker–Levy 9 slammed into Jupiter, all she saw were reports of a comet hitting a planet and got really scared that the same was about to happen to Earth and didn’t want to be away from her parents.

These days - who know’s - maybe he’s stressing about reports on climate change and how that can effect you or maybe he’s seen to many realistic ad’s on TV about zombie uprisings etc.

19

What makes you think you’d know? I was bullied all the way through elementary school and I never talked to my parents about it. I doubt that’s rare.

20

My daughter, who did tell me when a teacher picked on her, did not tell me when she was being bullied from her classmates until it had been going on for weeks. Keep in knd, if he is being bullied, he may be blaming himself and thinking he did something to cause it - so he’s scared he’ll get into trouble if he tells (of that he’ll be a tattle-tale).