I work in psychiatry but not with kids. I know depression can manifest differently in young children. My son is nine, quite bright but struggling with reading and things at school. (He has been tested and diagnosed with Written Expressive Disorder). He knows he struggles, but in all events seems happy about his progress, and further more he LOVES SCHOOL. (To the extent he dislikes summer holidays.)
He is an only child with no close in age cousins. We are a pretty tight nuclear family of my spouse (his stepdad since he was 3…no contact ever with biodad) my son and I. We do family things together, play a lot of board games, he comes to restaurants with us and orders like a mature adult. He dresses up in shirt and tie for “occasions”. He has invented his own imaginary country and currency, and asks me to explain current events to him. In the last year we have moved across the country, but he has seemed to make new friends at his school, and has some buddies that occasionally he sees outside of school. He does see an aunt and uncle more often, a grandmother every month (up from once a year) and talks to my parents several times a week.
However lately (like in last month or two) something has concerned me in his behavior. He has frequent ( several times a week) episodes of tears and clinginess, expressing love and gratitude for all I do for him. He expresses fears of “having to go away and leave me and the good cooking.” I used to tell him that he would want to leave before I wanted him to, but I have changed that to saying he doesn’t have to go anywhere if he doesn’t want to. He told me today he doesn’t want Christmas presents this year because I do so much for him anyway…and that he doesn’t know what he can do to show me how thankful he is. I told him that the best present a Mom can get is a thankful child, so he has already given me the best gift ever.
The gratitude is nice, but I am getting a bit concerned. I will certainly mention this to his doctor if it continues, but I don’t want to make him feel bad for being considerate. He has also always been affectionate and “cuddly” but it seems increased (or maybe I only think it has increased because I am expecting it to decrease as he is getting older.) Do dopers think this is something to be concerned about? Just a phase? I don’t remember myself or my younger brother going through anything like this… and I changed towns and schools at around the same age. We moved almost exactly a year ago this week.
Talk to him. My son was terribly concerned once because I stopped shopping at Whole Foods. He was absolutely convinced that this meant we were about to be homeless* because many months earlier I had made a joke about “We must have enough money, we’re shopping at Whole Foods!” :smack: In reality, I just got dissatisfied with the produce under a new manager.
Yes, it’s possible that he’s depressed. Unless there’s a strong family history or other risk factors though, it’s more likely that he’s misunderstood something that’s making him anxious. Horses, not zebras, right?
*This was many years before we actually did become homeless, but that’s another thread…
There have been some money concerns and they are resolving. (My house sale goes through in two weeks) but I have made it clear that there are big money worries and smaller money worries… big ones would be “We don’t have jobs or food or clothes to keep us warm” and little ones like “Oh we can’t get a new tv until summer.”(when our “old one” is perfectly good, just smaller than we want) We are definitely in category two, little worries.
My spouse and I have discussed this concern and we don’t talk about money at all around him, even if we think he has gone to bed asleep. But my son does have questions about amounts of money, etc. I don’t discuss my wages or household income with him, but I do let him know we have more than some people and less than others, enough to be happy but not rich.
I should mention that while he is affectionate and sometimes clingy he went to a youth camp where he only knew one girl a few weeks ago and had a great time. He longs for the day I will let him walk to school by himself (Not yet it is about 30 blocks to school…although he can perfectly articulate how he would get there, or which buses he would take if he were to take buses.) So, he does have the normal growing up and sense of adventure to do things on his own.
A couple of girls think he’s “Icky” and “Gross” but he has a lot of buddies. I have asked him about bullying, things seem ok in this regard. That was one of my first thoughts, btw.
I don’t think so. He’s very open with me, and we are very similar so I can usually figure out if something is on his mind. He is confident, gregarious with adults, dances to his own drummer and is okay with that (I don’t like superheros, mom, and I don’t care if other kids want to play that, I find someone else to play with). I don’t see any real damage to his psyche going on, which is why this is so baffling to me. He denies being sad (except about growing up and moving out) but does miss his friends back home. He loves the new city though and really enjoys the diversity of activities here.
I wish I knew what was causing this onset. I have been off work for medical reasons (nothing serious, I am still functional and bringing in an income) so have been home with him much more than usual. He’s been enjoying it but asked when he’s going to have “guy time” (watching hockey in a pub, eating chicken wings and pizza) with my spouse!
Its a change from normal so I am watching it, but I can’t put my finger on anything specific, other than the changes and moves of the last year. He seems to well adjusted and has no poker face (his “tells” are exactly the same as mine, so I know if he’s not forthcoming with something). Its just these labile emotions that surface several times a week leave me genuinely puzzled.
WhyNot, I missed your post earlier. I do talk to him…frequently. He’s pretty much a mini me and I don’t think there is anything he isn’t telling me, because as I said above, his “tells” are the same as mine. Sometimes I can almost figure out what he’s thinking by mimicking his facial expression and asking myself what I feel when my face looks like that.
I do know he is his own person and I do check ins with him often, or I lie down with him at night and just let him talk, but nothing really hits my ahha meter.
I wonder if even though you’ve told him it’s just “little money problems,” he’s trying to think of ways he can help. Maybe he worries that little problems might turn into big ones and he feels helpless in the face of this Big Adult Problem.
As you probably know - a regular doctor probably isn’t going to have a lot of experience dealing with this. Perhaps talking to a school counselor?
It doesn’t sound like depression per se to me - more along the lines of anxiety.
Moving/changing schools can certainly be stressful.
He seems pretty bright from what you have said. Are you able to talk to him about this? Seems like you could talk to him along the lines of “you kinda of seem different lately - are you stressed out?”. Maybe approach it more asking about him, how he views the future, what he wants out of life, and that sort of thing versus directly addressing his fears of you kicking him out.
Good luck - I would be concerned, but I have a good feeling there is probably a somewhat simple explanation.
Well we are NDPers so crazy lefty optimists, Fox news is verbotten at our house.
We talk often about everything… worries, hopes, fears, handling situations, I know every parent likes to think their kid keeps them in the loop, but I am reasonably sure that there’s nothing “big” he isn’t telling me.
His latest one as of an hour ago was “Wishing we lived in a commercial where everything is easy and fun.” And that scrubbing bubbles and so forth cleaned the house for me. (We aren’t Better Homes and Gardens but we aren’t Hoarders Buried Alive either. Comfortable. )
This jumped out at me:
" I have been off work for medical reasons (nothing serious, I am still functional and bringing in an income) so have been home with him much more than usual."
Maybe he thinks you’re quite ill and keeping it from him…possibly even dying.
