I wasn’t extremely detailed before, but here’s a more detailed account:
Two days after the drunken incident, they had a long talk on the phone and made up. She apologized profusely, and asked, do you want to break up? And he said no. They planned to spend the following night together. They also planned to spend New Year’s Eve together. He ended the call by saying “I love you” - without being prompted - as in, he said it first. Delores told me that specifically.
The next night, he was running late and texted her “Not canceling plans; I’ll call you when I get home.” Then he never showed up and she never heard from him for about 4 days.
Then he texted her saying, “There’s no excuse for what I’ve done [meaning standing her up] but I still love you.”
Then she texted saying she didn’t want to talk about it over text message, can he call her?
He never called.
How weird is that?!
Perhaps… although she racked her brain trying to think of something she had done that was horrible, but she is pretty sure she didn’t do anything outrageous. In fact, he calmed her down by cuddling with her in bed, and holding her while she fell asleep.
Well, good lord. Now we really know the FULL story. :rolleyes: Now we can all surely codemn the guy and hate his guts as much as you and your cousin do. What a jerk/low-life/insensitive tool. Glad that’s settled!
I think his immature behavior is a direct result of HER immature behavior. His is justifiable. Hers is not.
And, quite frankly, you’re being unreasonable and far too persistent in your arguments yourself. If your friend/cousin has similar behavior, then I absolutely applaud this man for his behavior and foresight to get out.
Honestly, as I already said: Your cousin was a jerk to him, then he was a jerk to her. She apologized to him. Then he apologized to her. Now they’re even. There’s no explanations. There’s no explanation for her drunken episode and there’s no explanation for his standing her up.
How can you write off your cousins belligerent and creepy behavior by saying it was a one-time mistake, but you can’t let this guy slide when he makes a one-time mistake as he’s trying to get away from her? Maybe he’s “never” stood a girl up before and it will never happen again - just like the drunken crying.
Nobody knows why the guy treated your friend that way. Just as nobody knows why your friend treated the guy that way.
People are often not on their best social behaviour, and often are not rational, when they are fall down drunk (her) or when they are emotionally devestated (him).
Give them both a break. Don’t assign blame to one for being a psycho drunk, and don’t assign blame to the other for being grossly insensitive while breaking up.
I think the friend’s drunken actions are a bigger deal than the OP realizes. As others have said, bizarre drunken behaviour like that might get a pass for freshmen in college, but stable adults pushing 30 don’t as a rule get that out of control. Also trying to drive in that condition is a big, big, deal. The OP keeps saying it was an isolated incident, but a) it might not be; and b) it is a pretty disturbing incident, even if it is isolated. It is bizarre behaviour and is a symptom of a deeper problem.
When I was single, if I was dating someone and they pulled something like this, I would certainly break up with them. If my evening with a new girlfriend goes from nice night out to a scene from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolfe I would run, run, run.
I do agree that he should have called to end it, but what are you going to do? He apparently doesn’t like confrontation, and after having to physically restrain the GF from driving, he probably has had all the confrontation he wants from her.
I think nyctea and her cousin are justified in being bewildered and frustrated by his actions. That she got crazy drunk doesn’t seem to be a reasonable trigger for the behavior that came afterwards. Like CairoCarol said, the “I love you” and apologetics are not consistent with someone trying to make a clean if not abrupt break from somebody. At best, it sounds like he’s really really confused about his feelings and is struggling with how to work things out with her, in his mind. At worst, it sounds like someone who is just being a massively dickwaddish crazy person.
I can’t call him a jerk without knowing more about him, but it doesn’t seem like he’s thinking about her feelings at all. I can’t imagine making someone worry about my safety needlessly, just because I didn’t want to be in a relationship with them. That’s just cruel, and I’m sad to see so many people in this thread who see nothing wrong that. I mean, I could understand if she had betrayed in him some kind of way…but getting drunk and making a fool out of herself doesn’t count as betrayal. Immature and worrisome, yes. Deliberately hurtful and insensitive, no.
Stringing someone along, making plans and then not showing up, not returning texts until days afterwards with no explanation of what’s going on, saying “I love you” but not showing it by ignoring her…regardless of what’s in dude’s head, he clearly not worth her time anymore.
I hope your cousin isn’t reading this thread, nyctea. It’s not going to help her heal; it’ll just make her overanalyze the situation and blame herself even more than she has. She needs to give herself permission to feel angry at him. The anger will help make it easier for her to feel relieved that he flipped out now as opposed to later, and will make her less hungry for closure.
You’re right - what man wants a woman who has opinions and emotions! Get out while you can, she’s a human, not a Stepford wife!
Seriously though, I am befuddled by your mean-spiritedness. Just because I don’t agree with you, you whip out personal attacks on me?! WTF?
I know you see the difference, so stop playing dense - her actions were not intended to harm anyone, and were not planned and arose out of careless, but not intentional, actions. HIS actions were very purposeful and designed to be hurtful.
Actually no, he never apologized. And getting even? Trying to get vengeance? Is that what he was doing, giving her payback? Yeah, that’s a really jerkish thing to do.
Creepy? I don’t see how she is creepy. Because she tried to contact him to find out why he didn’t show up?? Or what?
Thank you, you with the face. No, she has no idea about this thread, I would never have her read it.
Really, what she’s dealing with now is a loss of trust in people. She trusted that he loved her, and that he would be forgiving. Next time she hears “I love you,” it’s going to take her a really long time to believe it.
Is it possible that when he said this he was referring to something ** He** did that night that he stood her up?
I am just saying it would not be the first time some guy was spouting off about something crazy his current gf did and ended up with a different girl that night?
Not that I am trying to accuse him of everything.
I do agree that I know a few guys that a drunken, crying, freak-out would be enough to end a relationship - four months isn’t that long.
Just throwing it out there - that would explain why he doesn’t want to discuss anything, maybe he feels guilty and your cousin should just let it go - sometimes there is no closure.
What makes her so sure she just “passed out”? Maybe she just doesn’t remember that she had a screeching psycho hose beast melt down in an alcohol black out?
I’ve thought of this possibility too. It’s entirely possible.
She has let it go. It helped that he was really jerkish on the phone and then the next day he sent her an e-mail, apparently to get in the last shot, insulting her father (my uncle) who he met on Thanksgiving. It was really odd and made him look pathetic. But it made her see a whole new, and very unflattering, side of him.
To 1010011010, she says she remembers everything from the drunken night. He calmed her down and he cuddled with her in bed and they fell asleep. So I doubt she had a “a screeching psycho hose beast melt down in an alcohol black out” and forgot about it.
By the way, what do you call a man who gets really drunk and has an emotional outburst? Some of these comments make me think people are coming down extra hard on my cousin because she is a woman… i.e. “screeching psycho hose beast”
Look, this incident isn’t going to make it into the highlight reel at his funeral. He hasn’t handled the situation that well, but that doesn’t make him Hitler. He probably still cares about your cousin, and was apparently pretty freaked out by her psycho behavior.
I am still not understanding why people are calling her drunken incident “psycho.” There are a lot of good words to describe it - immature, irresponsible, stupid, lacking in judgement… but psycho???
To me psycho is violent or stalkerish behavior. How is what she did psycho?
The drunken person’s recollection of total recall is not likely to be true. I can attest to this both personally and professionally. Alcohol is a solvent, and one of the things it dissolves (besides bank accounts and relationships and livers) is accurate memory.
Crying uncontrollably for no reason, and then having to be prevented from getting a DUI doesn’t ping on your psycho scale? It does a lot more than just ping for me. If someone I was dating started crying uncontrollably, it would set off all sorts of alarm bells and flashing lights. I’d be pounding on the escape button and looking for an open window to jump out of.
I think most people are echoing the use in your OP. But I have to say that working yourself up into a state of uncontrollable crying is unusual, and not indicative of a stable individual.
I don’t know how this can be both the truth and not a sign that your cousin did a lot more while drunk than cry uncontrollably and pass out.
Nice. I came down harder on your cousin because I found her actions more objectionable. She is the one who acted atypically in getting drunk. She is the one who lost control. Boyfriend weaseled out of some dates and said some insulting things. Both would be dealbreakers for me, but I would find the acting-out-of-character and losing-control things much more upsetting.
