My mother died this past summer. My dad will be facing his wedding anniversary (54th I think) alone for the first time next week. What should I do? I don’t think an anniversary card is appropriate. We live 300 miles apart, so a visit isn’t possible. Should I just call him on that day? Even mention that it’s their anniversary?
A lot of this depends on the relationship you have with your father, but with my father and my siters and I, the standard practice was a phone call. “Hi dad, I was just thinking about you. How are you dong?”
He’ll know what day it is. If he wants to talk about it, he will.
What kunilou said. Being a guy, he may or may not want to talk about it – but I’m sure he’ll feel better knowing that you’re thinking of him.
Yes, the “I’ve been thinking of you today” has always felt right to me. That way, if I want to talk I can bring it up, or if not, I know the caller remembered me and my loved one, and in this case, it really is the though that counts.
A call would be good, if you can’t make a visit. He’ll almost definitely be thinking about her, and even if he doesn’t feel like talking, he’ll appreciate the call.
(My brother drove 5 hours home to take my mother out to dinner for her first anniversary after my dad died, and I know it was much appreciated.)
Another call him vote. Remember, in DadSpeak[sup]TM[/sup], “Hey. Did you watch the game last night?” means something like, “I’ve been thinking about mom a lot, and I bet you have been too, so I just wanted to let you know how much I love you and how special you are to me, even if we don’t see each other as much as I’d like. This is a tough day, being your anniversery, I know. I love you very, very much.” (Thanks to Rescue Me for teaching me this!)
Another voice of experience speaking. My father and stepmother’s fifth anniversary would have been a month and a half after he died. I sent her a “thinking of you” card with a few lines about how fondly I remembered their wedding and how happy I was that she became part of our family (well, okay, this doesn’t work for your own dad, but you get the idea), and I also called her on the day. I’ve called her every anniversary since (as well as sometime near the anniversary of his death).
Most people who’ve lost someone they love are overjoyed when their family and friends acknowledge days that are important to them instead of trying to pretend that nothing’s wrong. You can bet your dad will be remembering your mom on that day, and it’ll probably do him a world of good to know that you are too.
Another vote for a phone call. Also to consider, since you are unable to visit him, would it be possible for him to visit you? A change of scenery and a visit to someone he loves might be good for him if he could manage it. I think the main idea is to be sure and let him know you are thinking of him.
Thanks for all the great replies. The family (myself, wife, 3 small kids) is going down to visit in a month anyway, and he was up here about 2 months ago, so we’ve been seeing each other.
All the males of my family are of the “never express emotions school” (I think the only time I’ve seen my father and any brother cry was at my mother’s funeral), so I’ll keep it to “Hey dad, what’s new, here’s what the kids have been up to lately”, and let him talk if he wants to.