Will NY Congressman (King) Reply To My Call For A New National (*) Appreciation Week?

Mundane & Juvenile? Yup. Important & Creative? Nope.
But there’s money riding on the outcome…

March 29, 2004

Representative Peter King
Congressman New York 3rd District
Cannon HOB Room # 436
Washington, DC 20515

Rep. King:

I’m writing to you with the hope you’ll take up the cause and sponsor legislation that makes ‘National Penis Appreciation Week’ a federally recognized and permanent event. I can think of no one more apt to bring this vital proposal to the House floor. In the unlikely event you haven’t read about penis appreciation in your alumni newsletter, it’s a small but growing movement that has its roots at your alma mater; Notre Dame University. For the fourth straight year now, people have been forced to appreciate the phallus in muted silence during the second week of February.

In the interest of full disclosure, I stopped voting for you since your opposition to tort reform legislation in the mid-1990’s. I see you occasionally around town and have always found you to be a pleasant, down-to-earth individual. I enjoy seeing your staffers every year on April 15th at the 24-hour Rockville Centre post office as they hand out tax reform literature to all us last minute filers. Even though my support for you has waned over your past six terms, I’ve always admired your political acumen and your articulate style. In fact, I predict I’ll be pulling the lever for you this November. No one could fairly diminish all the beneficial things you have done while serving our district. In more recent times, I supported your stands on the North Ireland conflict, the Clinton impeachment and your tough, no-nonsense approach to combating terrorism. I thoroughly enjoyed your book and can appreciate how busy you are at this moment taking flack from the rabble-rousers from Pacifica radio and CAIR.

Politically speaking, from my vantage point, spearheading the ‘Penis Appreciation’ campaign can only be a win-win situation or you. I’ve discussed the prospects of having an entire week devoted to the phallus with our fellow neighbors in Seaford, and they’re unanimous in their opinion that you should bring this movement to the foreground. Perhaps your staff could conduct a poll of your constituents that could confirm my findings. I’d be very interested in seeing the results. Ask yourself this; have you ever come across an issue that touches such a wide spectrum of people in such a deep and personal manner?

Let’s take a moment and analyze broad range of special interests groups within our country that such a measure will help to unite. In this political season, once the penis appreciation movement is brought to national attention, your support from a whole host of polarized factions will assuredly rise:[ul][li]AARP Silver Fox / Senior Citizen Lobby: With the new Medicare Prescription Drug plan passed last year, more and more of the elderly will soon be able to put the starch back between the sheets as Viagra and Levitra become more affordable.[]Soccer Moms: By telling housewives across America it’s OK to take a one-week break from shuttling the kids around town in their SUVs and devote more time toward penis appreciation; Marriages will be strengthened , Tensions in the home will be reduced and The roadways will be safer.[]NASCAR Dads: Muscles cars => penis appreciation: It’s a no brainer. During the second week in February; the NFL season has ended, the MLB season hasn’t begun and (to the best of my knowledge) there are no major stock car races scheduled on the Speed Network.[]The GLBT Community: A week devoted to penis appreciation will help to validate the lifestyles of gay men across the nation. Similarly, bisexuals would also be grateful for having their lifestyles substantiated. Perhaps dedicating one day toward synthetic penises, something along the lines of a “Strap-On Saturday”, would help to gain widespread support from the lesbian community.[]The Minority Community: Though February is currently dedicated to Black History Month, the African Americans I’ve spoken to like the idea of having a one week within their month set aside for penis appreciation. As far as the Hispanic community goes; I challenge anyone to find a Latino or Latina that doesn’t already appreciate the pinga.[/ul][/li]
Congressman, I implore you to get behind this proposal and push it forward. I seriously feel the Penis Appreciation debate should be taken up and aired in Congress. It’s far more important than any of other weeks this nation currently recognizes:[ol][li]National Engineers Week: Come on! Do we really need 7 days to pay homage to a bunch of geeks with pocket protectors?[]National Library Week: Who got this measure passed, a bunch of busybodies with nothing better to do with their time?[]National Wildlife Week: We don’t have much wildlife in our district - unless you include sparrows, pigeons, squirrels and dead jellyfish in late August. I, for one, think wildlife week could be cut down to three days: One each for: Mammals, Birds and Fish. Reptiles and amphibians don’t need recognition anyway.[]National Transportation Week: With the dense traffic and regular rail delays we experience around here, I think the last thing people need to be reminded of is transportation.[]National Chemistry Week: What a waste. I hope the Congressmen who passed this measure received plenty of soft-money campaign contributions from Dow, DuPont & DeGusa.[] National Dance Week: How many people go out dancing on weeknights? Couldn’t it be cut back to a ‘National Dance Weekend’?[]National Pet Week: I understand the fact alot of people substitute the companionship of a pet for a good penis around their house. But if you can’t find room on the calendar for my proposal, perhaps you could combine ‘Pet Week’ and ‘Penis Week’ together.[]National Nutrition Week: I never fully understood value of a ‘Nutrition Week’ in the first place. If anyone intended the measure to have any teeth, they would have required all the fast food restaurants be shut down with their employees getting a week’s time off with pay.[]National Police Week: In my opinion, this one should be cancelled in large metropolitan areas like Cincinnati and Los Angeles.[]National Teacher’s Week: They already get the whole summer off. Whose bright idea was it to give them an addition week of recognition?[] National Nurses Week: The RNs I know all make upwards of $80K a year. They need their own week about as much as the teachers do.[]National French Week: Does Bush even know about this one? Is the Congress ever going to get around to renaming it ‘Freedom Week’?[]National Bible Week: Does Michael Newdow know about this one? I guess I could find the answer by reviewing the Supreme Court’s upcoming schedule.[]National Manufacturing Week: The majority of your base are Republicans, so I wouldn’t expect you to wander anywhere near this political third rail.[]National Metric Week: With the exception of coke dealers, who uses metric anyway?[]National Youth Week: They aren’t even of voting age. Whose advantage does this serve?[]National Dark-Sky Week & National Astronomy Week: This nation devotes two full weeks in honor of stars? How about paying homage to something a little closer to home?[]National Tree Week & National Wildflower Week: I can only assume this causes friction between the botanists & the biologists. The study of plants gets half a month & the study of animal life gets nothing. It’s just a matter of time before we see a “National Biology Week’ proclamation passed.[]National Volunteer Week: In the spirit of volunteerism, I will donate my time to you in an effort to get these other ridiculous weeks cancelled.National Chess Week: In the USA? This is a week better suited for the Russians.[/ol][/li]The list goes on and on. A list, (that in my opinion), must be radically altered and updated to reflect our contemporary values. My 2004 calendar is filled with these boring and unimaginative weeks. Let’s get to work and make ‘National Penis Appreciation Week’ a reality. Even those stodgy Brits and Aussies; who celebrate pubs, dooghnuts, barbeques and music: have better weeks than we do on this side of the pond. It’s really not all that hard to see how many Americans are clamoring to have either their, or someone else’s, penis appreciated.

After the hard work of getting this measure through the Congress, I plan on writing Senator Clinton and proposing a ‘National Vagina Appreciation Week’. I’m sure you’d agree our honorable, junior senator would be the best proponent for the cause. She can garner support from her husband, the feminist lobby and the Eleanor Roosevelt crowd.

In closing, allow me a moment to thank you for your time in the consideration of this issue. I look forward to seeing your response when it is most convenient to you. Please don’t let this opportunity slip through your fingers. I implore you to support this proposal – one whose time has finally come.

Sincerely,
John Buck
Seaford, NY

Sent via e-mail Monday 2/29/04.

I have a $100 bet with two co-workers that Rep. King (or one of his staffers) will reply. (By either form letter mentioning Penis Appreciation or a hand-written response). They say it’ll be deleted at not given a seconds worth of consideration. Deadline: April 1st. Care to guess? I’ll update first week in April.

I’m guessing the letter will be DOA.

I think he will not only reply, but will offer you a position on his staff, as well. You seem to have your fingers squarely on the pulse of his constituency.

Penis appreciation is an all-year activity. Why restrict it to just a week?

Robin

Certainly he’ll reply, though maybe not by the deadline. He’ll just give a “thank you for your input; I appreciate hearing from my constituents” reply.

I hope they answer, no matter how weird it is.

Of course, my penis needs all the attention it can get.

And what better way to celebrate the penis than by positioning yourself on someone’s staff?

Hey!

Where is the National Boobies Week?

National Vagina Week?
Penis Schmenis.
Bah!

Penis Schmenis would be an awesome band name! Jewish Punk Rock!

Hey, baby, if things between you and the Airman don’t work out, I’m only about two hours away. *wink, wink

Airman Doors, I post in jest. I would never seriously hit on someone else’s wife, especially when that someone has military training and could probably kill me fourteen different ways using just his left index finger.

Otto, it took me several moments to compose myself enough to post a pass at MsRobyn. Well done.