Will waiting until marriage to have sex as a non-Christian severely limit my dating pool?

[even_sven]

You are young and whatever you want to try is fine.

But your average college educated woman doesn’t get married until she is 30. Marriage won’t be a force in most relationships for years to come. You all have a lot of milestones to get through before marriage starts sounding realistic to people. Relationships at this stage are about learning, exploration and companionship, not about finding a life mate. And of course, sex is a big part of that for most people.

The thing that is going to hamper your dating the most is not not drinking or not playing sports, which quickly will become less relevant. It is your clear tendency to overthink and over analyze.

The creed that you just wrote shows you have out a lot of thought and expectations in to this theoretical relationship. What is missing? The girl. Basically you’ve already written the story in your head, and and you just need the right girl to fill in. The problem is that nobody wants to be in a relationship that had already been written. Nobody wants to feel cast in a role. Whatever reality brings is not going to resemble your fantasy at all, and you need to be ready to embrace that. Any woman you date is a person with her own ideas and desires, not a prop in your plan.

Relax, take life as it comes, experience as much as life throws at you, stretch your comfort zones as wide as they will go, study, travel, make the occasional bad decisions. Embrace life so thoroughly that you don’t have time to think about yourself all day. It will come together eventually.

[R3d_Anonymous]

@Habeed

The OP, ironically, is full of a boatload of religious malarky. Conservative religious folks who don’t want people having sex like to scare people with talk of scary STDs and pregnancy.

Fact is, straight sex is actually one of the safest activities you can do(some of the gay stuff is dangerous). Some evidence suggests it may have a positive effect on lifespan, that is, engaging in it frequently increases how long you are statistically likely to live more than the risks decrease it.

It’s much safer than traveling by car.

Pregnancy is obviously completely preventable - especially if the female partner isn’t infected with religious malarky and doesn’t have trouble with the concept of an abortion, at least at a stage when the fetus is the size of a gummy bear. The higher quality birth control methods are extremely unlikely to fail in any case.

There’s a variety of STDs that are an embarrassed grin and a few pills away from fixing. The 2 main lethal STDs - HIV and Hepatitis C - now have treatments that are quite effective, and both are extremely rare. And condoms provide considerable protection - so much protection that the risk of getting an STD from a literal whore (a prostitute) is apparently lower than that of getting it from that “committed relationship” girlfriend in college you never used a condom with…

Is there a certain frequency at which you should get tested for STD’s once you become sexually active?

[iiandyiiii]

@R3d_Anonymous

Is there a certain frequency at which you should get tested for STD’s once you become sexually active?

If you always use condoms, then you don’t need to be tested very frequently – once a year or less. If you decide to forego condoms with a monogamous partner, then you should both get tested before you start.

And you can get tested whenever your feel nervous, or if you forget to use a condom, or for any other reason you feel like.

Basically, if you use condoms properly all the time, then your risk of STD is extremely small.

[MandaJo]

@even_sven

The creed that you just wrote shows you have out a lot of thought and expectations in to this theoretical relationship. What is missing? The girl. Basically you’ve already written the story in your head, and and you just need the right girl to fill in. The problem is that nobody wants to be in a relationship that had already been written. Nobody wants to feel cast in a role. Whatever reality brings is not going to resemble your fantasy at all, and you need to be ready to embrace that. Any woman you date is a person with her own ideas and desires, not a prop in your plan.

This is really good advice and you should keep reading it until you understand it.

Second, your list is a set of really good reasons for why you are not ready to have sex right now. But you’ve created a false dichotomy–you are arguing that if sex right now isn’t for you, you must want to wait till marriage. Which is crazy.

Very religious, no-sex-till-marriage people often get married very young. Not gonna touch the causality relationship there, but it remains true. As even sven says, other people get married in their late 20s, early 30s. Often after years and years of dating. Delaying coitus under those circumstances would be bizarre.

There’s nothing wrong with deciding that right now, at 17, you aren’t ready to have sex, and that you might not be for a couple years. Plenty of people go to college virgins, and with very little other sexual experience. And in the privacy of the bedroom, it’s not unheard of for the boy to be the one that’s not ready to push past a given line for a period of time. It’ll affect your “dating pool”, sure, but it’s not a lottery. You want a girl whose more or less emotionally in step with you.

But I wouldn’t announce that your reason for not having sex now is because you don’t want to have sex before marriage. It’s a ridiculous timeframe, and a stupid cover story for an innocuous truth–you don’t want to have sex right now.

[Broomstick]

I would just like to point out that, as far as religion goes, my Catholic mother married a non-Christian man (60 year marriage, worked out just fine).

My Baptist husband married a non-Christian woman (me). 25+ years of marriage, still going strong.

While SOME Christians would refuse to marry a non-Christian my family is proof that not all of them feel that way.

And I just want to say to the OP - if you want to wait on sex right now that’s fine. Whether you wait for marriage or not is up to you, it’s OK, 2 or 5 or however many years down the line to change your mind on that, or not. Sexual freedom and choice includes the right to say “no” just as much as the right to say “yes”. I am not personally a fan of waiting all the way until marriage, but then, I come from a family where even 100 years ago people didn’t marry until well into their 20’s. Keep an open mind, maybe phrase more as “wait until 20” or 21 or some such and re-evaluate your position. Or, maybe you’ll be 19 and decide she’s the one. Or maybe you’ll have “no sex the first 6 months of dating” policy. Keep things a little flexible.

Yes, it’s going to limit your dating pool. You know what? That’s not a bad thing. There are a lot of crazies out there, people who don’t share your values, and all sorts of things. There is nothing wrong for opting for quality over quantity.

[JerrySTL]

But don’t you want to limit your dating pool? Would you want to date someone who was promiscuous?

If I were in the dating game again (I’m happily married) I’d be limiting my dating pool. For example I wouldn’t date a smoker. That probably takes out about 30% of the women in the dating pool right there.

If you are looking for The One, then you’re eliminating a few billion potential mates right there. Of course there’s no way to meet even a 100,000 potential mates even with on-line dating services.

Just make sure not to get too hung up on details. You could go from looking for The One to finding The None.

[steronz]

I don’t want to project too much here, but when I was your age I was just terrified of women. I actually did lose girlfriends who couldn’t figure out why I never wanted to fool around; they got bored and found guys who did. I’m pretty sure people thought I was gay, when really I just had a crippling anxiety whenever I thought about physical intimacy. Is there any chance that’s the case here? If you’re rationalizing pre-marital abstinence here to avoid something you find scary, I’d say that’s bad. Find a way to better deal with it. For starters, quit fixating on it now, you don’t even have a girlfriend. Work on finding someone who makes you feel comfortable.

[R3d_Anonymous]

@iiandyiiii

If you always use condoms, then you don’t need to be tested very frequently – once a year or less. If you decide to forego condoms with a monogamous partner, then you should both get tested before you start.

And you can get tested whenever your feel nervous, or if you forget to use a condom, or for any other reason you feel like.

Basically, if you use condoms properly all the time, then your risk of STD is extremely small.

What if you engage in unprotected oral? Oral sex, I heard can transmit STD’s too, but it isn’t practical to use protection for it.

[Lemur866]

@even_sven

The creed that you just wrote shows you have out a lot of thought and expectations in to this theoretical relationship. What is missing? The girl. Basically you’ve already written the story in your head, and and you just need the right girl to fill in. The problem is that nobody wants to be in a relationship that had already been written. Nobody wants to feel cast in a role. Whatever reality brings is not going to resemble your fantasy at all, and you need to be ready to embrace that. Any woman you date is a person with her own ideas and desires, not a prop in your plan.

Good advice. Also, you’re 17. Most 17 year olds are not ready for a sexual relationship, it is perfectly normal to want to wait. I wouldn’t put it as “wait until marriage”, but rather “wait until I’m ready”. That might be marriage, it might be your college girlfriend, or whatever.

Plenty of “wait until marriage” folks find they can’t wait, and so get married at 19 so they can have sex. That’s not exactly a great plan.

[Happy_Fun_Ball]

B. Serum is rocking this thread and I don’t really have much to add except reiterating that waiting until marriage is a really bad idea for all the reasons listed. That and you need to relax; you’re young and all this stuff that you feel anxiety about will sort itself out over the next 3-6 years. Focus on enjoying life, meeting friends, doing new activities that were not open to you when you were more dependent on your parents, and stop focusing on getting laid. I promise you, if you are not all bunged up about it, it will happen.

Finally, I have to say that youth is totally wasted on the young!

[Donald_Rump]

@R3d_Anonymous

Well, here are the reasons I have been considering waiting:

1. NO STD’S (or pregnancy concerns)!!!
2. No parental conflicts/having to hide to do it
3. Possibly higher quality relationships (aspects of romantic relationships other than sex may be more focused and developed).
4. As a result of #3, you don’t get involved with anyone merely on the basis of lust.
5. STATISTICALLY, less chance of prospective marriage ending in divorce.
6. Having to test and sexually deny ourselves for so long can be hot in a way (this is sort of a personal kink).
7. Breakups slightly easier to cope with.
8. Feels good to have a sense of self-control (tying in with #6).
9. Possibly less likely to cheat (won’t be used to having multiple sexual partners).
10. Overall, things become somewhat simplified and some stresses (i. e. STD’s) are no longer problems.

R3d Anonymous, FWIW and WADR, in addition to some of the good advice that has already been provided upthread, I would strongly recommend that you consider speaking with a therapist. If that’s impractical while you’re living under your parents’ roof, maybe it could be a longer term goal. (If you’re going to college soon, many colleges offer counseling services.)

Several items on your list (e.g. 7-10) suggest that you may feel a degree of anxiety around commitments and control that seem likely to lead to unhealthy outcomes in future relationships. These kinds of hang-ups might even make it difficult for such a relationship to form in the first place. But it doesn’t have to be that way and nothing in your OP suggests that you shouldn’t be able to find love and happiness in a relationship. I had a great deal of success in dealing with such issues through therapy myself.

Either way, I don’t think the teddy bear is a deal-breaker but please refrain from volunteering that information on the first few dates. Best of luck.

[R3d_Anonymous]

@Donald_Rump

R3d Anonymous, FWIW and WADR, in addition to some of the good advice that has already been provided upthread, I would strongly recommend that you consider speaking with a therapist. If that’s impractical while you’re living under your parents’ roof, maybe it could be a longer term goal. (If you’re going to college soon, many colleges offer counseling services.)

Several items on your list (e.g. 7-10) suggest that you may feel a degree of anxiety around commitments and control that seem likely to lead to unhealthy outcomes in future relationships. These kinds of hang-ups might even make it difficult for such a relationship to form in the first place. But it doesn’t have to be that way and nothing in your OP suggests that you shouldn’t be able to find love and happiness in a relationship. I had a great deal of success in dealing with such issues through therapy myself.

Either way, I don’t think the teddy bear is a deal-breaker but please refrain from volunteering that information on the first few dates. Best of luck.

Thank you man. And yes, I have been going to therapy.

[Donald_Rump]

@R3d_Anonymous

Thank you man. And yes, I have been going to therapy.

Awesome - good for you for having taken that step.

[Learjeff]

There are lots of good points above. Some of your reasons are based on misunderstandings. Especially this one:

4. As a result of #3, you don’t get involved with anyone merely on the basis of lust.

The urge to have sex is an INSTINCT and it’s a very powerful force. When we don’t meet instinctual needs, we create serious stresses. IMHO, a lot of people have gotten together based on “lust” (or, the instinct to mate), even though they didn’t plan to have sex (either at all, or until after marriage). There’s NO guarantee that instincts aren’t involved, whether you plan to give in to them or not. My guess is it’s likely to make the lust component even stronger, since you won’t have any relief from that pressure. You even allude to this in your point that not having sex might lead you into an early, mistaken marriage.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Honoring your parents may seem odd these days, but it’s laudable. You can always say something like, “It may sound weird, but I don’t want to ‘cheat’ on my parents. I don’t want to have to hide or lie to them.” Once you’re on your own, you should make your own decisions about things like your sexuality (and then, don’t hide or lie!) There’s REALLY no harm in waiting until then. You may be considerably better prepared to handle things, frankly.

2. It makes more sense to wait for someone special than marriage per-se. That is, you can meet a lot of your ‘pro’ list items without setting the bar as high as marriage, and it won’t seem quite so odd.

Don’t let other people’s expectations force you to be anyone other than whoever you choose to be. Furthermore, you’re free to change your expectations of yourself. There’s no point in making an arbitrary commitment and sticking to it just because you said you would. So, decide who you want to be today, and feel free to revisit it tomorrow or next year. If you find yourself changing who you choose to be a lot, that’s a symptom of a bigger underlying issue. But at your age, occasional changes are pretty typical.

So, I encourage you to stick to your guns, should you decide to do so after careful consideration. But not only will it shrink your dating pool, it may affect your dating success. I was a “late starter” and had difficulty making longer term relationships work. Once I learned a few things (like, how to make the transition from interest to bedroom, and how to really satisfy her in the bedroom), it got a LOT easier to start relationships and make them last. Most women prefer men who are confident and know how to handle intimacy without awkwardness, and experience really helps.

It’s true that you can only lose your virginity once, but I bet I’m not far off the mark that for most people, even those who tried to make it special and memorable, it was really the beginning of a process and not really such a special event in itself.

But as I said, don’t try to be anyone but who you choose to be. Note that you may choose to be someone you aren’t, quite yet. Also, keep in mind that failure is plentiful on the path to success.

[Enlightening_Meditation]

There will be limitations to the dating pool as others have indicated, but that does not mean that there will not be options. However, more social interactions looking for potential partners may be required.

The extent of limitations will depend on the definition of sex*…

I suggest that one should worry about finding a partner who is compatible on personality and chemistry…then worry about the sexual limitations later on. No sex until marriage??? It that penis in vagina sex??? What about titty-fucking? Oral sex? Hand jobs?? Fingering? Dialing zero on the pink telephone? Vibrator(s)? Dry humping? Spanking and other BDSM?
*Memories of the Bill Clinton/Lewinsky scandal begin to stir.

[furt]

@R3d_Anonymous

I am 17, so of course, I still considerably struggle with insecurities at times.

<snip>

To alter this would violate my integrity with myself and identity.

I am not against change necessarily, and I am all for self-improvement - for example, being more outgoing, working on my social skills, strengthening emotionally, working out, being more productive, etc (these are all things I am working on).

However, I don’t want to change the things I listed above simply because it’s a part of who I am and altering those would cause me to lose my identity. They’re not things I really want to change…

These two things are at odds. If you want to abstain from sex before marriage out of sincere conviction that that’s the way you want to live your life, rock on. Yes, it will limit your dating pool, but not as utterly and hopelessly as some here are suggesting. Be who you are, be proud of it, and you’ll be fine. Completely disagree with much of what’s been said above. Yes, you’re missing out on some potentially good things by not having sex … you’re also missing out on a whole bunch of potentially bad things, and potentially giving up the possibility of having an especially special connection with some woman down the road. (i.e., what if some woman turns you down because you *did *have sex and she’s waiting for marriage)
If on the other hand, you’re saying it’s all about your convictions, but it’s really just that you’re insecure and afraid? That’s a different story.

[gigi]

@Learjeff

Don’t let other people’s expectations force you to be anyone other than whoever you choose to be.

QFT

[nearwildheaven]

@GuanoLad

which requires a variety of partners over time.*

Not necessarily. Couples whose only partner is each other can have fantastic sex lives. If they think it’s good, then it is.

As for the OP, he’s 17. He’ll probably be on some other kick next week. :o

[sisu]

Well I think that going out and shagging every girl in site is not good but premarital sex I would encourage. Sexual compatibility is not to be underestimated.

So wear condoms and don’t do it in the street and life will be fine. Stop stressing about it mate and enjoy.

[Little_Bird]

Normal adult humans in romantic relationships have sex with each other. That’s just what they do. If you want to remove yourself from the pool of “normal” that’s fine, go for it, but remember that you may need to modify your expectations of the type of woman you want to pursue. You may find a very nice girl who is OK with not having sex, but it may be because she is asexual, or have been sexually abused, or some other issue that you may not be willing to deal with.

Normal adults have sex. They take precautions and are safe about it, but they have it.