I get frequent calls from people who say something like, “I am from Windows [sic] and we need to upgrade your operating system. …”
I sometimes just hang up, and sometimes launch into a tirade about how they are thieving scum trying to defraud the innocent.
Does anyone have a good plan to lead these scumbags on and waste their time?
Just hang up.
Or better, tell them the call is being recorded.
This is better suited to IMHO than GQ.
Colibri
General Questions Moderator
Install virtualbox, then create a virtual machine running some obscure, but internet capable OS in it. Then play along.
If you’re bored enough that you really want to do this, there are various ways. One is to play dumb. Tell them that you have to first turn the computer on, and pretend that’s taking about ten minutes to boot. When they tell you to click on something or launch something, ask them if they want you to left-click or right-click. If they want you to enter a URL, put it in a Notepad window instead of a browser window. When they ask you to open a browser window, walk over to the outside wall and open an actual window. Eventually, they will give up in frustration. (Or they’ll note that you’re stupid and naive and add your number to their target list.)
Or confuse them by immediately pretending you’re from Microsoft and you called them regarding a virus on their system. Tell them you need them to launch a logmein session so that you can connect remotely and correct their virus infection.
Start getting really disgusting and sexual,tell them you’ll let them upgrade your PC and give them your credit card number but only if they make you cum.
Ask them to vividly describe eating out your ass, use your imagination!
This was discussed just last week here: Ways you've messed with a telephone scam artist - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board
I got one the other day, and I was all ready to do whatever he asked to my imaginary computer, but the guy’s accent was so unintelligible that it wasn’t any fun. If he had been totally legitimate, I wouldn’t have got my computer fixed because I couldn’t understand 50% of what he was saying.
Another sign of the decline of America - we have to outsource our criminal activity.
The last time these guys called the caller, who had a thick Indian accent, said his name was John.
I understand from the other thread that asking if their mothers know they are criminals sometimes works.
I like the idea of pretending you are from Microsoft. Maybe tell them that PCs have a special command to electrify the keyboard, and you are able to trace their call and have turned it on.
These calls are annoying, but you have to decide how much time you want to spend on the phone with them (instead of enjoying yourself.)
I use two methods (depending on my mood and whether I’m expecting a genuine call):
ask them to wait one moment, then I go off and read a book. After a while, when you hear the phone whining (they’ve finally hung up), replace the receiver
tell them your dog just died
I guess I must lead a dull life. I just let my answering mochine take all my calls, and I very rarely pick up the line.
This has the effect exactly the opposite of OneCentStamp’s Releasha Jones story. It didn’t take long before I wasn’t getting any calls from anybody any more, hardly. No scammers, no solicitors, no friends, no relatives. Life is peaceful and quiet (phonewise at least).
(Okay, the above isn’t exactly 100% true, but rather nearly so.)
We got the “Windows” call the other day, when we were too busy to talk to them. SO was the one who answered the phone and aksed them to call back later. She could only tell me that they were talking about “windows” so it wasn’t until I looked up the number that we knew which “windows” they were referring to. I thought it was some home improvement telemarketer trying to sell us replacement windows at first.
They never did call back. If they had, I’d have picked up and gone into customer service mode: “United States Department of Commerce, how may I direct your call?”
As others have said, the best you can do is waste their time. When I had time one morning I kept one on the line for 45 minutes or so, being as obtuse as possible. I kept dropping clues that I have a Mac (I don’t) but the guy didn’t pick up on it. He was very patient with all my dumbassery I have to give him that. The only thing that flustered him is when, after 40 minutes or so, I told him that I don’t have Internet! That caused him to get a supervisor and the supervisor kept asking me when I expected to get Internet. For bottom-feeding scum they were very polite and patient.
Anyway I tried to waste their time recently by telling them I had to put down the phone and turn my computer, but they must be getting wise to that because they wanted to call me back instead of waiting. 
Got a call from a “Microsoft Support” Scammer
Once I figured out what it was I stated the following:
ME: <facing away from phone like I am talking to someone else>
Confirmed trace to IP: 206 . 243 . 22 . 16 and notify the team we will have location momentarily.
ME: “Sir, please stand by, Pursuant to Homeland Security Act Section 101 B-1(a) this is a secured federal installation. Please be advised this call is being recorded and traced, and a team will be dispatched to your location to investigate.”
Scammer: “No sir, you misunderstand, it is your home computer, maybe we should call you back at home.”
ME: “The simple fact that you have this number at my workstation means a security breach has taken place and we will be needing your contact information for reference in the investigation, do not hang up or we will have to assume this is a hostile breach attempt on your part and the CIA entry team will be authorized to use lethal force in obtaining arrest, have I made myself clear.”
Scammer: “Yes”
Me: “What is your name”
Scammer: “Uh, I think I have wrong number”
Me: “Sir, Do not hang up, things will get very messy if you disconnect this call”
Scammer: <click>
Got a chance to pull my “Department of Commerce” bit. Guy said “Oh, my God” and hung up.
With any luck, they’ll strike my entire phone exchange from their list.
ETA: I really do work for an agency under the Commerce umbrella.
This is a thing?
(I guess it is.)
I’ve never had somebody try social engineering to get access to my computer.
I suppose I could be thwarting them with the one security measure I take on the phone: if I don’t recognize the number on the caller ID, I don’t answer. I have a machine, and if I am right there I can hear your message as you leave it, and if you don’t leave a message then you didn’t really want to talk to me anyway.
Same rules for my cell: if you’re not on my contact list, I won’t answer. Leave a message and I’ll listen to it. I might even call you back, even if only to say “I have told you before thet I’m not Clyde, I’m not your uncle, I don’t have a neice named Shorty, and I don’t know you. Stop calling me.”
I do get to string phone scammers along at work, though.
I work in retail, and somebody called the store saying they were sending us a shipment of t-shirts, and blah blah blah.
First time through, I thought it was ligit, or more legit than it was, so I told them I couldn’t authorize anything, and they’d need to call back when the Manager is in.
Once I knew it was some kind of scam, I played along.
Okay, so we’ll be getting a shipment of t shirts or something, and we’ll need to give the driver a code number, and in just a minute we’ll receive a call where an automated voice will give us that number, and then you’ll call back to make sure I got the right number. Because that’s not suspicious at all, since it’s not like you could just give me the number now, since you claim to know what it is.
So, when the guy called back to verify that number, I told him that the automated voice had indeed given me a number, and then it had said that using that number for anything other than registering an account with Craigslist was illegal.
And he hung up.
Another one we get is folks pretending to be from corporate, trying to get us to load a prepaid card and give them all the account info. Furthest I’ve strung one of them got to where I said, “How about you call me back from a phone that isn’t a cell phone?” “I don’t understand what you mean?” “Well, the Caller ID says you’re calling from a cell phone in (state that is not where our corporate hq is). How about you call me back from a landline there in your office.” Then I hung up.