Winked at by the "wrong" sex

In My Humble Opinion
1

Owlstretchingtime’s silly Pit thread on being offended by “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” got me to thinking (OK, it was really the second cup of coffee that got me thinking).

Do you panic or get offended when, say, a gay man politely comes on to you if you’re a straight man? Or replace with the appropriate sex and sexual orientation.

I’m not talking about someone grabbing your butt or making lewd suggestions. For instance, I used to hang out in a lot of gay clubs, and when a lesbian asked me to dance or wanted to buy me a drink, I took it as a compliment—how could I not? If she knew me and knew I was straight, I’d dance with her or accept the drink. If we were strangers, I’d say thank you, tell her I was straight, but that I’d enjoy the dance anyway. One does not lead people on, it’s not polite.

But the whole “gay panic” thing always baffled me. How could anyone get offended by a compliment?

Mods, feel free to move this to Great Debates if you think it’s better situated there.

2

Well, (I think this is especially true for straight men), when complimented by the same sex, you wonder why they complimented you. That is to say, why they thought they should. You know you’re straight, why doesn’t he/she? Do I put out a ‘gay’ vibe? Do I look/come off as gay? For some people, like you obviously, it’s just taken as what it is, a compliment, but some people do get worried that if people of their same sex compliment them, then that must mean they appear as gay to the rest of the world.

Now, there are certain situations where this feeling can be greater or lesser. If, for instance, one were in a gay bar, then this line of thinking makes no sense, because I think it is usually assumed that, in a gay/lesbian bar, that most of the patrons there are gay/lesbian, so odds are, they only thought you were gay because you are in the gay bar. However, if you are just walking down the street and you get complimented by someone of the same sex, that’s when those ‘do I look gay’ thoughts run through people’s heads.

Me? I just take it for what it is as well. I’m a little flattered, actually, because I’m amazed anytime ANYONE finds me attractive, be it straight or homesexual men or women (though I much prefer it when the straight women say it. :stuck_out_tongue: ) Interesting side note: The first girl I was aware of who thought I was ‘cute’ (I was in 7th grade, she in 8th) came out as a lesbian…three? years later. In addition, during my sophomore year of college, a gay man I knew (an aquantance, never hung out with enough to say he was my friend) had a crush on me. As I said, I was flattered, but he knew I was straight, and didn’t do anything that might have made me uncomfortable. Also, during my sophomore year, I had a little fling with a woman who attened Bryn Mawr college. She was bisexual, and after showing my picture to some of her lesbian friends, a lot of them remarked that they thought I was hot. (I thought lesbians weren’t allowed to think that. :confused: Don’t they lose their membership card, or something? :stuck_out_tongue: )

Now, as to some people actually getting offended by it, and not just put off, that I don’t understand, Usually those are the people with ‘God Hates Fags’ signs anyways, so who cares what they think. :wink:

3

Or, for that matter, do you gay women get offended if a straight guy asks them out for a cup of coffee? Gay men, if a straight gal says, “soooo, umm, if you’re not seeing anyone . . .?”

4

I was taught to accept compliments graciously and say “Thank you,” so that’s what I do. If my wife and I are out dancing (which we do quite a bit - we both love it) it is pretty obvious that we’re a couple; however, I’ve been approached and asked to dance by men at clubs we frequent and I’ve accepted. My wife, rather than being miffed, says she thinks it’s sexy. I’ve learned never to argue with my wife when she says she finds something sexy.

5

This doesn’t happen as often as when I was a teen/early 20s. I did not panic or get offended if a gay man tried to flirt or ask me out. I would politely tell them I was straight.

But there are a lot of gay men who didn’t do it politely. There was a lot of inappropriate touching, comments about blowjobs and outright solicitation. Those made me angry, but not panicy.

I knew guys, though, who would get upset out of any rational proportion to the situation. IMHO, it comes down to whether they have had any exposure to homosexuals. If they hadn’t, then homosexuals were strange and threatening and the advance was an attack on their manhood.

If they had, then the advance was just an advance. Gay person asked, straight person declined; it’s all good.

6

The outrage I’ve never understood. Someone hits on you, you say yes, you say no, whatever, and then you move on. What’s the big deal?

7

I do not get offended when gay man do minor flirting or a polite approach. I don’t necessarily find it complimentary, I guess it would depend on the context (and if he were HOT!). It doesn’t happen too much, I guess the gay men I am around either know I am both straight and taken, or they are just shy.

8

Used to happen to me all the time, when I was young and hot and out on the town. I’ve never had any particularly set-in-stone sexual orientation, and was always open to the possibility. The only time I was ever bothered by it was when one woman developed stalkerish tendencies toward me.

9

So, umm, Eve…

How you doin’? :wink:

10

I must confess to a slight twinge of…“repulsion” seems too strong a word…on a gut level when a woman hits on me or otherwise expresses attraction. Ultimately, however, I know it’s a compliment.

Until I was 24, I cowered in the deep, dark recesses of the closet, terrified of being perceived as gay. Since coming out (almost ten years now), the pendulum has swung the other way, and I get a little irritated when people think I’m straight. I realize it’s a safe assumption, since straight is the “norm,” and I’m not “obviously” gay. Still, I can’t help but resent it a tiny bit. I’m me, dammit – I’m not one of those people! :wink:

11

While I’ve never been directly propositioned, on a couple seperate occasions my wife has told me something like ,“You did realize that guy was hitting on you, didn’t you?” My reaction was simply surprise (as it always is when someone finds me attractive) and a combination of amusement and irritation that I had absolutely no idea. If I ever were hit on more directly by a man, my guess is that I would respond by politely turning him down and, if pressed (politely), by saying something along the lines of “I’m flattered that you find me attractive but A: I’m married and B: I’m straight.”

12

I enjoy complements no matter from where. In some cases inappropriate comments from other men are easier to handel as I can simply say "Sorry darling your not my type’. But when a flirt or comment comes from a female (especially one I find attractive) I get all embarissed and tongue tied. I have been groped a few times by men, that is gross to me though.

13

When my husband was in college, he had been chatting with a guy in one of his classes a couple different times. Then the guy asks him if he’d like to go to a movie some time. A light bulb goes on over my (now-) husband’s head, and without missing a beat, he apologizes and says he’s seeing someone.

After he told me about this, I pointed out the stone Zuni-style bear pendant hanging around his neck, his over 6’ height, broad build, general semi-abundance of body hair, and explained the typical meaning of “bear” among gay men. He’d been wearing the pendant because he was studying geology (the stone part) and liked the ursine species. Didn’t stop him from wearing what he liked, though.

His father is very strongly homophobic, yet I’ve heard a few times from him the story of how he was hit on by men during his travels in Greece, and how ancient Greek homosexual relationships were generally considered to be very masculine, etc. One might even think he tells those stories with great relish. I haven’t yet dared mention that point out loud, however.

14

Just an aside, but in what kind of place does someone ask you to dance?

Maybe it’s my gaiety showing, but the only approaches I ever get involve someone grabbing/groping me on the dancefloor or sidling up close. I’ve never had a polite, “would you like to dance, good sir?” I thought that only happens in movies.

I’m not at all offended if a woman hits on me. I’ll even play along for a few minutes.

Maybe it’s the company I keep, but most straight men I know bear almost a kind of anxiety that gay men should find them attractive. It’s a badge of honour to be hit on at least occasionally, and almost an insult if you never get it.

15

I’m in the “flattered” category. Then I would wonder if the guy was extremely near-sighted, or just had a thing for my type. But flattered I would be. Then I would run tell the wife about it, so she can be jealous! :smiley:

16

I used to be casual friends with a gay man who was old enough to be my dad, back in 1980. He’d come to the bar where I was a DJ. One time I was visiting him at home, and he got quite drunk/stoned and started pleading with me to let him give me a blow job, and I kept refusing. I didn’t get mad, but it was extremely creepy. I just had to tell him that it wasn’t going to happen. We drifted apart as friends, but not for that reason. It hasn’t happened since, so that’s my only anecdotal experience. If it did happen nowadays, I’d just say “sorry, wrong number” or something inoffensive. Although afterwards, I would tend to wonder if I was inadvertently putting out a “gay vibe.” I don’t think I do.

17

The same thing happened to me at an underground club in Houston. Exccpet that it wasn’t anyone I knew. This very handsome dude comes up to me and says: “I know you’re not gay, but I’m sure you like blowjobs. I give the best.” I said no thnaks but this guy just kept persisting. He got more and more graphic thinking that this would somehow entice me. I kept thinking about why I’ve never met any women like this. Finally, I tried to reject him by using humor: “Listen dude, I said no thanks, but you don’t happen to have a sister, do you?” He finally got pissed and took off.

18

No, I’m never offended in the slightest. It’s a compliment, although how big of a compliment is up for debate; they’re guys, after all, and being a guy, I know that a come on may mean anything from “you are weak-in-the-knees, drop dead gorgeous” to “hey, you’re not repulsive!”

Sometimes when going to a gay bar with friends on a rare occassion you’ll run into a guy who comes on too strong or won’t take a polite no for an answer, and that makes one a little uncomfortable, same as it would from anyone. Even then I find if I simply say I’m there with someone it’s near universally respected.

Just a gay guy telling me he thinks I’m hot, though? Hey, I’ll take a compliment anywhere I can get it.

19

My high-school social life was ruined by a rumour that I was Gay. This sort of scarred me. One day I was on my bike in the countryside. A man asked me if I had the time. I told him, then he said “I’m Gay”. I said nothing and rode as fast as I could away.

I was homophobic.
Nowadays I’d just say “really? that’s nice. I’m not” Having said that I’ve never since had a Gay man come on to me.

20

That wasn’t meant to sound like that. :dubious: