You can do it.
Tell ya what, FGIE, how about you think of something else to do every time you want a drink… like punch a hippie! There we go. Every time you want a drink, punch a hippie. You’ll stay sober, **and **the world will be a better place.
Seriously, though, good luck. This is probably going to be the hard part–and the hardest part for everybody who isn’t an alcoholic to understand.
I see what you did there (and I approve!)
FoieGrasIsEvil, keep up the sobriety. Ask for help when you need it. A support group, or even a number to call can be invaluable.
Thanks guys. It took every ounce of my will to reveal my vodka’s secret hiding place to my wife today (she’s home with the sick little one) so she could get rid of it. And I never drink vodka! It was just a ruse, a means to drink undetected, because until they invent invisible beer cans, well…
…shit! They’ll still make that rumple rumple noise when you crush them up!
Fuck man. Sobriety is the best thing that’s ever happened to me…and the worst. I really wish I’d been stronger last night. I could have done it, it would have been no big deal. I could have just…not drank. But I did, and washed a week’s sobriety down the drain.
Ce la vie, eh?
I did however make a strong batch of green tea concentrate (decaf) with ike 10 bags of tea in a large-ish glass, and I drunkenly managed to keep that. I plan on diluting that and having it with honey. I hope I feel better.
You can do it!
I really, really recommend meetings. You don’t need to go to AA either - I went to SMART.
I was a vodka drinker as well, because it’s easier to hide and they say it’s less odour (though it’s really not).
As for the cravings - I had to find things to occupy me. I drank because of boredom and loneliness, so if I found myself in that spot, I did something. Often I just drove to Chapters and bought a few books, or called up a friend for coffee. You have to distract yourself any way you can.
I was told all through treatment that those in recovery find they have a LOT of spare time, so you need to find something to fill it up.
Nope. Not in a way that will allow a person to drink ‘normally’. I don’t expect such a breakthrough any time soon. HIV will be cured long before we see such a cure for alcoholism, IMHO.
I don’t have the time to dig it up right now, but I’m reading a book by the people that run Passages (Chris/Pax Prentiss?), and they claim a holistic approach (after detox) with counselling to get to the root cause of substance abuse is an approach that works better than any other program available, including AA. I don’t have a way to test the veracity of their claims, of course. It’s an interesting book, though.
At least you didn’t do something like this. It could be worse, really.
FoieGras, at this particular moment you don’t need to understand why you drink, you need to find the immediate, practical tools that will help you not drink. The whys are intellectualized BS. Knowledge doesn’t change behavior, changing your behavior changes your behavior.
If you don’t want to go to AA, go to some other support group. You need to have access to people who have found tools for staying sober and who can help you as you learn to pick up and use those tools. Can a shrink help? Maybe, down the line – but you’re better off seeking help from someone who’s gone through what you’re going through now. A shrink might be able to help you with it, if he or she were in recovery – but a shrink who’s in recovery will tell you that the first thing you need to do right now is find a support group. One-on-one mental masturbation isn’t going to get you sober or keep you sober.
Lots of claims are made for miracle/better cures for addiction. I know, I tried a lot of them. Few have withstood the test of time. Or objective studies. CBT and peer support a la AA & others have.
I also had lots of insights into why I drank and used. The only insight that helped keep me sober was the realization that if I wasn’t honest, and if I didn’t hang around enough with my peer group of other recovering folks and listen/talk to them, I relapsed again. And again. And again.
What they eloquently said.
Absolutely a slow burning thing that grows through a day, but it comes about out of two decisions - one when you decide to start your mind on the journey towards relapse (you know exactly what I’m talking about), and the second when you swallow. Even when you have the bottle in your hand, you actually have the power not to put it to your lips, but to pour it down the sink instead. It’s damn hard, but that’s what you’re fighting.
I don’t know what the experts say, but it’s my belief that you haven’t ‘wasted’ anything, except the one day you drank. A week of sobriety after twenty years of drinking can’t be erased unless you let it. Now you know you made it through last week, you can make it through next week too.
All the best, and remember what you’re doing it for. I don’t know what that is, but you do.
I agree that you haven’t wasted anything yet, but I feel you shouldn’t spend too much time thinking about next week. Just take it a day at a time, try to make today a sober today, and you can worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
You just got promoted to Senior Spaceman in my book.
Thanks 
Just remember that the voice in your head saying “you failed once, so you might as well get smashed again tomorrow, and every other day for the rest of your life” IS the voice of self destruction/addiction. Treat it with the contempt it deserves.
There’s that, and then there’s the remorse of stupid shit done last night half-remembered.
You can do it.
Kind of bummer part about what was rock bottom for my brother-in-law, leave it spoiled if you don’t want to be down:
Please don’t let your rock bottom be almost dying in a hospital bed of a failed liver, like what happened to my brother-in-law. He’s still considered disabled today, years later, due to the multi-organ-failure and stroke that he dealt with, and that’s even a miracle that he came back pretty much intact.
If you don’t want to deal with AA - and give a few groups a shot before you decide that - then take the good Doc’s advice and try CBT. It can be very helpful for stuff like depression and other problems, too.
FoieGras,
I am much more of a reader than a poster here, but your story touches a place in my heart.
Likely because I have lived with folks in my past with so much the same stories.
I do not have any advice for you; how can I say anything, I had no advice for them.
All I can say, is if you want a little diversion when you are tempted to stray, PM me and I will talk with you.
Not for words of wisdom or anything like that- I cannot help with that - just a “would-be” friend a long way away who may chat with you for a few minutes.
Maybe a change of scene for a few moments with someone different.
A moment to do something different; maybe a moment changed.
KB
Yup, I understand. But there’s real remorse, and then there’s drunk’s remorse, and the latter always leads back to the same thing. Real remorse will only set in when you stop drinking. So patch up the stupid shit as best as you can (but don’t expect every ‘sorry’ to be accepted), and then move on.
FoieGras,
If you feel the urge to drink, get to a meeting. If you can’t get to a meeting call another recovering alkie that you know. If they aren’t available call me. You can PM me and I’ll give you my contact info.
As others have said, don’t let this get in the way of getting sober. I tried countless times to get sober. It finally stuck when I made the choice to make it stick and followed through with the actions I needed to take to stay sober.
Slee
I am overwhelmed by the showing of support here. Lots of recovering alkies round these parts!
I truly appreciate it. Outside of detox (where I couldn’t sleep well anyway, pillows full of rocks, nurses barging in every so often, suicidal roommate), last night was the first true, full night of sleep I’ve had in a long, long time. I went to bed at 10:00pm and slept like a rock until 6:00am. My wife had to basically toss me out of bed to wake me I was so gone.
And I am still tired. I felt/feel like I could sleep another 8 hours easily. I simply can’t believe how sleep deprived I am/was due to alcohol abuse. You don’t really sleep when you 're drunk…you just pass out to bide the time until your next drink!
Again- (and I fear this thread running its course before I am ready for it to, but at the same time I don’t want to be a thread mooch or an adopted pet cause) I truly appreciate the thoughts behind the words. It means a lot to me.
I’ve noticed I’m a lot less active on the board, and it makes me kind of bummed out. When I was drinking, I was participating in tons of threads. Now…not so much. The same level of interest isn’t there. I suppose fewer contributions of actual worth measure up better than a bazillion lame attempts at snarkiness, eh?