The posts in those threads bring up, for the millionth time, broad characteristics that each gender has and is highly annoying. Of course, not every member of a gender shares these characteristics, but, broadly speaking, your odds of ending up with someone who does have those characteristics are high. Basically, reading those threads made me think “Why do people get divorced? They’ll likely end up with the same crap anyway.” A bit simplistic, but maybe some useful info can come out of this.
So, my question is for people who have had multiple partners and/or spouses: do you find that, excluding some pathological extremes of some exes, you end up with roughly the same issues in your new relationships?
If yes, is it still worth it to go from relationship to relationship or spouse to spouse, so that you can enjoy the good times while they last, before the crap starts to become annoying?
If no, did you find a huge variance in the degree to which your various exes conformed to the “basic stereotypes” of their gender?
Being alone is far, far and away better than being miserable.
No. All the guys I’ve ever been in serious relationship, including my three husbands, are different with regard to that. My first divorce was due to his alcohol & violence problem. My second divorce was due to money policy differences (he was a spender, I’m a saver). My third husband seems to be perfect.
N/A
Ummm… that’s a good question. I think yes, but it would be helpful if there was a handy list of “basic stereotypes” around.
I think the actual issue of compatibilty goes like this. First of all, both partners need to be mature adults about stuff and not act like spoiled children. Secondly, everyone has weird annoying habits. The best matches are those where the annoying habits of the partners are only mildly annoying to each other.
Well, most of the men and women I know don’t have those particular characteristics, but I’m not going to bother going off on that tangent. I’m fine with the assumption that if most of the people you’ve known so far fit these stereotypes, then most of the people you will date or marry in the future probably will, too.
That said, I’d hope that no one would actually divorce over the vast majority of piddly shit that’s in those threads. All of the divorces I’ve known of have been over the Big Issues: infidelity, abuse, addiction, disputes over money, sex, or division of labor (both in and out of the house), or major incompatibilites like selfishness, defensiveness, lack of trust, lack of trustworthiness, and lack of respect for the other person. I didn’t see anyone in those threads attributing any of these to either sex in particular, and rightly so.
But if you’re really that upset over your husband leaving dirty socks on the floor or your wife using your razor, and can’t find any acceptable solution other than divorce, then I agree; you shouldn’t be married.
Not everyone agrees that most women are the same and most men are the same.
I think it’s much more likely that people in bad relationships will have a tendency to select for similar mates in the future. Unless people do serious self-reflection about how they managed to end up with such a jerk, they can pretty much expect to make the same bad choices.
If I somehow ended up married to Snoop Dogg, Richard Simmons or George W. Bush do you think I’d divorce them because they were acting like men? No, I’d divorce them for acting like Snoop Dogg, Richard Simmons and George W. Bush! We are all individuals.
Add me to the list of people who don’t subscribe to the “all men/women are basically alike” theory. I’ve been in three serious relationships in my life, including a 10-year marriage. There are things I loved about each of the three women, and things that annoyed me about all but the current woman (hi, honey!). The things I loved and the things that bothered me weren’t the same things for any of them.
My first serious relationship ended primarily because we had very different levels of ambition for our futures. My marriage ended primarily because we had different ideas about the meaning of “love,” “romance” and “fidelity.” My current relationship will probably end because the Dodgers and Indians will someday meet in the World Series, and we’re going to come to blows over it.
At any rate, there were huge benefits to me getting divorced. As I’ve grown older (and, with any luck, wiser), I’ve discovered more and more which aspects of a partner are really important to me in a relationship, and which things I don’t care so much about. I’d like to think I’ve gotten closer to a solid match with each step I’ve taken. And in the process of the divorce, I’ve also learned what it’s like to live on my own as an adult and to be happy with myself by myself, too.
Also, it’s given me the opportunity to sleep with someone who isn’t seeking to sleep with men other than me. Which, you know, is a good thing for me.
Yeah, if you’re contemplating divorce because of the toilet seat or trips to the mall or putting food scraps in the sink instead of the trash can or who used whose razor…those things are not the reason you’re getting divorced. They’re just the handiest bones to pick when your real issues come to a head. Because, frankly, the sort of things listed in those threads aren’t issues, they’re annoyances.
Since people of the opposite gender are so unbearable, thank heavens I’m queer! After all, we never have any relationship problems, because it’s so easy to understand people of the same gender.
The issues in my relationships were different, it’s called “learning”. There were some things which were common, but it was things I don’t have a problem with; for example, all my boyfriends and every guy I dated would get scratchyfacey occasionally. Well, d’uh, they’re GUYS! Not every guy gets sharp stubble, but complaining that your guy does would be like complaining that he has a dick.
