I must admit it isn’t mine.
I read it in Lyne Truss’ book Talk to the Hand. It’s a great line though - I’d love to get a chance to use it some day.
My favorite (also from Mad Magazine many years ago):
Q: Have an accident?
A: No thanks, just had one.
What they want to know is “May I sit here?” or “May I take this chair?” - both perfectly legitimate questions. So why ask if an obviously empty chair has someone sitting in it?
However, I’ll admit that while my previous response is indeed my favorite one, my social graces will usually kick in and I’ll give a more conventional answer rather than display my wit to a stranger.
My favorite response to “How dare you?” is: “Just like this!” and then I do it all over again. 
That’s also a great response to “How can you do/say that?”
- Excuse me, do you know the way to Lincoln Avenue?
- Yes.
-Do you mind!?
-No, but you seem to.
I keep a little array of candy dishes on my desk which is obviously out for everyone to have. Quite often someone will say “I’m going to steal a piece of candy from you.”
To which I always reply, “You can’t steal something I’m giving away.”
And I love when our sales people say, “I’m going to be honest with you . . .”
To which I ask, “So does that mean that up until this point you’ve been lying??”
Years ago, David Brenner had a joke about being on the bus and sitting on a newspaper because the seat was wet. Someone asked, “Are you reading that?” Brenner said “Yes,” half-rose, turned the page and sat back down.
Not very witty, but I relish the times people tell me “You can’t do X” when I’ve just done X in front of them.
“But I just did.” Some mehums just do not get the difference between rules and reality.
“You can’t smoke in here!”
“Then I guess I couldn’t possibly be smoking then, could I?”
“How dare you!”
“I dare…because I care”
“Only a single dare? why not a double dare? Or a triple dog dare?”
TheKid always asks “Where did [that] come from?”
The inevitable response “Well, when a mommy [that] and a daddy [that] fall in love…”
Doesn’t matter if it’s a dug running across the street or her finding a lost pen. The answer is the same.
We spoke of it last night, when I informed her that when a mommy Jeep and a daddy Jeep fall in love… “MOM! STOP! I knew you were going to say that!” Is the problem that I say it, or that you KNOW it’s coming, but you can’t stop your brain in time? “The brain in time part”
“Ah, I now see that I have acted in an inappropriate way. I apologize for having offended you.”
That one may need some work.
Last week I was the coolest person on the planet. I had an abusive phone call from a guy who wanted to vent and vent he did for about 3 minutes. Finally I broke into his rant to offer advice. He answered with “Get fucked!” and I responded with “I don’t do requests”. Yeah, I was uber cool for about 10 seconds. (I’m sure that this isn’t my line, I must have stolen it from someone, but damn! I was COOL).
“How dare you…”
“Who dares wins!”
Often one doesn’t have time for something grandiose, but it brings to mind Phule’s Company, where, in an attempt to establish just how wealthy the protagonist is, a snooty hotel desk-worker calls Phule’s bluff about about buying the hotel. Phule then goes off on a long description in which he esentially says, ‘No, that part is fact. If I wanted to threaten you, I’d tell you that I’d buy this hotel, have you fired, buy up every business you attempted to gain employment with, and buy every seat on every outgoing ship off this planet for the next three years.’
I guess what I’m getting at is, ramp up the threat to something trully horrific. Then say, “Y’see, -that- is a threat.”
When people in the office ask “Do you have a bathroom?” I sometimes reply:
“No, I hold it in for eight hours.”
In the pub, if floor staff come to my table and ask “Are these glasses dead?”, I often reply:
“Well, they were coughing up blood an hour ago…”
It never, ever goes down well, but I persist in saying it.
Those are out now?
I wish somebody would put me on the distribution list for those damn memos. Now I’ve gotta go home at lunch and change.
Parachute pants are still cool, right?
Not one of mine,but when an EX GFs brother asked someone a question the bloke asked turned round and said “You’re F***ing nosy aren’t you?”
He replied quietly"Yes I am ,thats how I learn about things"
Which sounded really cool at the time.