Christmas day will be the first time that Least Original User Name Ever and I will see most of his family since we eloped earlier this year. His mother wasn’t happy because she wanted us to have a wedding and a reception. Since we haven’t seen most of the family members who will be there on Christmas, it will be a prime occasion for her to bring it up again and try to get people on her side. We’ve already had this discussion with her multiple times, so I figure we might as well have some fun with it. So, anyone have some good ideas about witty responses?
Didn’t Mary and Joseph plan to elope in Bethlehem? 
“It was our wedding, not yours, so shut the fuck up!”
“It’s really petty of you to try to control our personal life. Thank you for making this obvious to everyone here. [big smile]”
That’s similar to what LOUNE thinks I should say: “How about I grow a dick and you can suck it?”
“Oh excuse me. Did you offer to pay for the wedding and reception and we didn’t get the message? Darned unreliable cell phone company, always dropping the important calls.”
“Well, you’re all still welcome to shower us with gifts, in the unlikely event that this marriage lasts more than a couple more weeks.”
Excellent!
Stand-up comic Todd Glass has a great response for inane shit like this. I’ll try to paraphrase.
You have to listen to the story and nod along. Casually chew your nail when it’s your turn to talk, and say, “Oh, my God. That’s so interesting! I think I read about that in Who Gives a Fuck Magazine. In fact, all your stories were in there. That’s great. What do you send them off or… None of my stories are ever in there. Good for you!”
Sounds something like my sisters MIL. She’s the only reason they had a big baptism ceremony for my niece because MIL wanted it, and they did it. They don’t even go to church.
Just say “All the cool kids are doing it.” Or you could be blunt and say " We didn’t feel like spending X amount of money on a ceremony, see the nice house we bought with the money instead !"
I realize that this is not nearly as much fun, but maybe it’s not such a good idea to deliberately antagonize your mother-in-law so soon after you’ve been married? And, since you’ve already had “multiple discussions about it”, I’m sure you’re ready for those to end.
Honestly, the best reponse when she starts in is a vague smile, followed by saying something totally unrelated, ie “Are those new drapes?” “Who does your kitchen chrome polishing?” “I think it’s great that big fluffy animal slippers are in again this year.” If you refuse to engage, it won’t be any fun for her, and she’ll eventually stop.
If it were just you and her, it would be different, but when she tries to get others involved, that’s a good time to draw the line.
“MIL, we’ve been through this seven times before. Do you want to discuss it again?”
“You know what I’d like for Christmas? For you to get over it already. More egg nog?”
“We’re happily married and that means a lot to us. With luck it will mean something to you too … someday.” heavy prolonged sigh
“You know, actually, here’s the truth: We had a HUGE wedding. GINORMOUS. But we knew you’d be a pill of bitch and decided not to have you come. We told everyone to be quiet about it so it wouldn’t upset you, but apparently that backfired, so for that, we’re eternally sorry.”
winner!
These are awesome, especially the latter one.
Less serious suggestion: “We decided listening to you bitch about us eloping was cheaper and easier than listening to you bitch about not liking our wedding and reception.”
It’s not clear to me what she wants you to do NOW. Have a ceremony and reception? Have a party/reception? Something else?
Not witty–but maybe relationship building (with an undercurrent of exageration and sarcasm): Mom, I hear so much pain and frustration–this so obviously meant much more to you than to us. If we’d realized it would hurt you this much, that you simply wouldn’t be able to get past it, that it would continually impact our relationship with you and tarnish every moment, we’d have made the sacrifice and had the wedding you wanted instead of the one that made us happy. We would have been unhappy for one day instead of continually. We just didn’t realize that it would injure you so deeply. Do you have any idea why it’s so traumatic to you? Was there something you regret about your own wedding? Please help us understand the need you have that wasn’t met.
After all, apparently your wedding is “all about her”–so make it all about her.
If she is making passive aggressive “would have been nice . . .” type statements, you can try just agreeing with her. Her: It sure would have been fun to dance at your reception." You: "“Yep!” Her: “I bet you would have been beautiful walking down the aisle” “I think so, too!”. Agreeing with her takes the fun out of it. If she pushes you about it–“Do you regret eloping?” you can say “No, it was still the best choice. But the stuff you mentioned would have been fun, too.”
One thing you need to really NOT do is try to explain WHY you eloped. Don’t mention money, or whatever other factors went into your choice. When you do, you are inviting her to argue with you about the merits of the case. I’m sure you’ve explained yourself in the past, there’s no point in doing it again. She’s never going to see it your way or agree that you did the right thing.
Show up wearing a very fancy, long trained wedding dress and a tuxedo with tails. Rent the most elaborate ones you can find.
That will probably put a spoke in her wheels.