A friend of mine broke off her engagement last September, just one week before her wedding. I naturally felt bad for her, as she was one of my closest female friends.
She’s a very attractive woman, so I naturally predicted that some guys would swoop right in, hoping to catch her on the rebound. Just one week after her cancellation, she told me about one guy who was hanging around her, offering to do household repairs for her, etc. I knew this fella, and I could tell that he was trying to muscle in right away. I found this distasteful, as she was clearly still in pain. I think it’s poor taste to make your moves right away, while the woman is still hurting and vulnerable.
Indeed, I recently discovered that they’re now an item, only three months after she broke things off with her fiance. I’m kinda displeased by that, as it seems to me that he was taking advantage of her pain and loneliness. I’d like to know what other people think, though.
So my question is… As a rule of thumb, how long should a man wait before actively pursuing someone whose engagement has been cancelled? Naturally, diffferent women will require different amounts of time to heal, which is why I’m only looking for a general guideline.
There’s a lady at work - if she divorced her husband, I’d make my move somewhere between 1.5 and 3 seconds.
It’s entirely up to the lady involved, isn’t it? If she wasn’t ready, she’d have given him the brushoff, right? You’ll pardon me, I hope, if I say politely that it’s none of your business.
Not according to some of my female friends who’ve been in similar situations. They said that they did indeed date guys after their breakups, but not because they were ready. Rather, they were pretty much desperate to fill the voids that were left in their lives. These same women strongly advised me not to immediately pursue any woman who has just broken things off with her fiance.
What about if the position were reversed? My second wife invited me out only 3 or 4 days after I separated from my first wife. We ended up together for over 20 years.
Why not? The best way to get rid of pain is to move on with your life, and it seems that’s what she’s doing.
Sure, it’s possible that a rebound relationship won’t last; that’s true of any relationship. Personally, I’d rather take my chances at winning her heart as soon as possible. Even if it doesn’t work, at least I will have had my chance, rather than wait and some other guy jumps in first.
If she’s over the age of consent, she’s capable of deciding whether or not she wants to date this guy. It could be that she is not ready emotionally, but that’s a judgement for her to make, and one that she seems to have made.
Yeah, if he’s treating her well, then there’s no problem. If he’s taking advantage of her loneliness, then it doesn’t matter if he waited five years, he’s still taking advantage of her.
It sounds like she’s the one who broke off the engagement which, in my mind, signifigantly lessens the “still vulnerable” time buffer. I’m not saying she’s not going through a lot but if she broke it off then she’s not really the injured party.
On the contrary, I would think the biggest limiting factor would be to taking things slow so as not to rub it in the face of the former fiancee. It’s one thing to be dumped a week before the wedding but knowing your ex is back in a relationship within the month is just salt in the wound.
Exceptions exist of course depending on the reason for the broken engagement. If she got cold feet and didn’t decide to go through with it she gets minimal sympathy points. It might have been the right thing to do but it doesn’t afford her the kind of “give her time” buffer she’d be allowed if she had been dumped at the altar. On the other hand, if she found out her fiancee was cheating and called it off for that reason then she gets full “vulnerability” points.
Assuming that this woman is of age and in posession of her faculties, she’s fully qualified to decide whom she wishes to date and when.
Even if it **is ** a doomed rebound thing, that doesn’t make it wrong. Sometimes a rebound is exactly what you need. Why discount the possibility that she knows exactly what she’s doing? Why assume that she’s being taken advantage of?
If you continue to shield this woman, and keep your back to me while doing it, you’re going to get buggered, pal. And no one is going to be happy with that.
If you want her for yourself but you’d like to give her some time, then the perfect moment to make your move is one hour before that other disrespectful SOB makes his move. Or else do what I’d do and ask her out as soon as I learned that her engagement was off. She can always say no.
If you don’t want a relationship with her, then it’s really none of your concern.
I think that there is no rule. I think that the woman is entitled to make up her own mind, without meddling friends counseling her what to do (unless she, of course, asks for advice). I think that it is likely the relationship won’t have lasting value, but one never knows. I very strongly believe that SHE has the right to do as she damn pleases. :dubious:
Sorry, it doesn’t work that way - they can’t blame the guys because they were making bad life decisions. If a woman needs to be alone to heal, she’ll tell guys to get lost. If she needs a re-bound guy, she’ll find one. Women are not delicate flowers; we get what we want, and mature women own up to what they want.
Your OP kinda sounds like you were waiting a “proper” amount of time before asking her out, and you’re mad because Boor Boy moved in before you had a chance. Any truth to that?
I’m probably gonna get flamed for this but here it goes.
When it comes to seeking advice on women; the last person you should ask is a female.
Case in point: post #3.
As a guy who’s had moderate sucsess with the ladies, I’d say don’t f’n wait but be fully prepared to get dumped. (As some one has already stated above.)
As was said, she will let you know what the deal is - it may be in womanspeak - so the translation could come down to “if you waited eight years I’d still be not ready to date YOU.” or “Hell, yes, right now” or somewhere in between. If you aren’t sure, ask for clarification. “When you say “I’m not ready to date, yet” does that mean I should ask again in a few months or you aren’t interested in me at all, ever.”
Wait and women interested in filling voids will fill voids - sometimes filled voids are very successful relationships. Women interested in YOU will assume you are not interested and move on. ("hey, I’m single, why didn’t he call?)