Just to be clear. My post that is referenced here was that I would never initiate first sexual contact.
I have no qualms about initiating once the sexual nature of the relationship is established. I am not coy or subtle. “Let’s cuddle?” Puh-leeze. “Baby, let’s fuck.” Or unwrapping his package.
How long into the relationship, if he doesn’t initiate, do I make the assumption he isn’t interested? I don’t have a number. It’s more about the vibe. If I never feel the spark with him, and he is being very hands off, I will probably mentally file him as friend, never gonna happen. Is this the friend zone? Maybe. Once he is in the mental file, that’s where he tends to stay.
I always waited until it “felt” mutual. Vague, I know. But I can’t put a time stamp on all of my activities in life. I’m sure there were encounters I missed because of this. Well, that’s just me. No regrets. Probably doesn’t help your query. Sorry.
Very comfortable. Most often initiation was usually mutual, but I remember being as young as 14 years old and initiating making out plenty of times. I’ve been sexually active for 35 years, I’m 50 now. I have certainly initiated sex for the first time without hesitation. I’ve never felt “easy” for doing so, or that I was “begging” for it. Why was I comfortable doing so? Because it felt right at the time, because I was attracted to the person physically and in other ways. And because I am a highly sexual woman who doesn’t believe in playing games. Carpe diem.
In answer to your 2nd question. I haven’t experienced that, but I also have not been in the dating world for some time. I am currently in a monogamous long term (about 4 years) relationship. Before that - almost 16 years married to my second husband. Going back further - 9 years with (7 married) to my first. Prior to this I had short and long term boyfriends, and some one night stands. Come to think of it, the only man who stopped being interested, and initiating sex with me was my second husband. This was just one of many reasons why our marriage slowly died.
This, really. I will initiate, even on a first date. I think I am right to do so. But I can’t help worrying sometimes how it will be perceived. I know it’s a hang-up, but it’s there. I’m working on it.
I used to have no problem with this, and sex was usually initiated by me, but not exclusively (75/25, roughly).
But after a bout of her declining more than usual, me feeling more self-conscious and anxious, and with heightened attention to all this “rape culture, consent culture” stuff going around, I’ve been crippled. I figure if she wanted to have sex, she’d be on my dick already, and since she isn’t, that means I have to talk her into it, which means she didn’t really want it to begin with, so I’m basically a rapist.
It’s nobody in particular’s fault (especially not my spouse’s), but a cultural shift that makes me feel rapey if she isn’t begging for it.
I still have sex, though not as much as I used to, but I don’t know how to overcome this weird new anxiety. I’m guessing this is the new normal.
Just out of curiosity, where were you taught this? I certainly didn’t learn it at home, because this sort of thing never came up. I didn’t seem to be spending much time around girls in “that way.” I absorbed it from other sources: PC punk rock, activist writings, other bits of journalism and whatnot, the occasional statements by peers/teachers/etc.
It was part of standard sex ed for me (6th grade and again in 10th), but mostly I picked it up out of mainstream culture. The elements that have stuck with me the most strongly are mostly legal in nature - stories about real rape cases, analysis of the laws and how they’ve changed, that kind of thing.
I did get some of it repeated by my parents, but they tended to tell me things way after I’d already figured it out on my own. (Perfect example: I went and found my father’s old electric razor when I was 13 or so. No father-son bonding over learning how to shave in my house.)
I wasn’t reluctant to initiate sex from my teens, my first boyfriend and I broke up because I wanted sex and he didn’t. (Yes, he did come out a few months later, but I digress…) During my marriage, I was the initiator at least 75% of the time. Now that I am divorced, it’s more like 100%.
wait, is that one of those subtle hints? If so… (ahem): Gentlemen! How can you leave a lady waiting this long?
Well, how you doin’? :D:D:D
But seriously, now, on BOTH sides of ***any ***pairing (het or gay) there should be nothing wrong with making the first move, be it to begin with at all, or on a particular day once the couple is underway; and no guilt either about making that first move.
