Women and sexual assault.

In My Humble Opinion
261

(Missed the edit window)

Too bad this is so common. A few jackasses cause problems on top of problems – over and above the disgusting assaults and dehumanizing acts they perpetrate on women.

Frankly, I blame what I call the Cult of the Ego, which is kinda tied in to the alpha-male ideal but kinda not. It’s well and good to be assertive, and competitive, and have the will to win and the will to take risks like talking to the girl on the platform with no more assurance than the flash of a pretty smile. Makes life worth living.

But some people take it too far and think that they have to dominate every situation. Just like a prison, anyone who they can ‘make their bitch’ (get to bend to their will) they will do so. You’re nothing unless you get what you want, when you want, how you want. Crap way to live, in my opinion, but it’s pretty common. Think of someone that, rather than armed with facts or reason, relies on volume and invasion of physical space to ‘win’ an argument. Or that (warning:stereotype) frat guy that can’t take no for an answer.

That’s not all hormones, in my opinion. It’s like he’s thinking: “She can’t say no to me! That would mean I’m not dominating this situation! I’d lose social standing if my bros saw me get shot down!”

So Alpha Sigma Sigma makes up a story about how she totally wants him but wants to hang out as far away from him as possible so her friends don’t catch on, then out come the roofies…

Yeah it’s a WAG and a poorly constructed one at that, but I really think if people would learn that there’s a give and take to everything, and that it’s all right sometimes to not ‘win’ … we’d be better off in many ways.

262

I’m a male.

I find it a little disconcerting that its possible that 1 out of 4 of my male friends could be a sexual aggressor. But then again this poll is hardly scientific so I’ll take it with a grain of salt.

I’m very respectful of women, I was raised by women and realize there’s a time and place for everything even with these places like bars (not my thing) and on line dating, I’m respectful of cues, body language, the flirting ritual, boundries etc.

But I do have an honest question for the women. Do women find it sexually threatening when you catch a man checking you out fleetingly ?

I’m very conscientious of the fact women don’t appreciate men leering at them obviously, men don’t like it either. But I’m not talking about that, generally I’m pretty good at not doing this but for example if I’m tired , something on my mind all of a sudden a great looking women pops into my field of view my brain seems hard wired with the above circumstance to “look” for a quick second. For me it doesn’t necessarily mean I want to have sex with the person, but that I’m just thinking about sex in general.

263

No I’m flattered if I catch a guy stealing a quick glance. Heck, I do the same thing with a good looking guy. But I quickly look away and feel a bit embarrassed if I get caught. It’s if he’s just sitting there, staring at me, not even trying to pretend he wasn’t looking, that I start to feel progressively more and more uncomfortable.

264

It certainly is disturbing. It’s also around 80 years old. By contrast, chattel slavery is 160 years old. Now there are some people who say we have a “slave culture”, but they don’t deserve to be taken seriously, just like those (not necessarily you) who say that GWTW is an example of how we currently have a “rape culture”.

265

Bad stuff happened to me when I was a teenager. I’ve written about it before, I’m not going to do it again.

I got over it, I moved on, but yes, some things have changed.

I don’t like hugging anyone except my immediate family.
I don’t socialise without my husband if I’m the only woman in the group (which, when the event in question is drinks with work colleagues, has probably not helped my career).
In fact, there are probably a lot of things that I don’t even notice that I do as a result of those things.

Oh yes, and I’ve was groped in India, multiple times by different men, while walking down a street, in broad daylight, wearing a perfectly modest Salwar Kameez. Sexually assaulted simply for being female, Western and walking alone on a street- it is euphemistically called “eve teasing” and it isn’t fun. It’s not the end of the world, and is low down the list of “bad stuff that has happened to me” but it was scary and unsettling and apparently culturally acceptable.

I can change a lot of things I do, but at the end of the day I am a petite woman and that makes me vulnerable. I know that should something happen, it isn’t my fault, but I know from experience that it wouldn’t stop the self-recrimination and guilt.

Because, at the end of the day, you feel that you should have control over your body, and the realisation that someone can take it away from you and that you can do nothing about it, well, that is scary. So you do all these things to make yourself feel safe, knowing at the same time that when it really matters all of these strategies won’t make a blind bit of difference.

If you can’t empathise with that, and would choose to get snitty because I don’t want to hug you, or go out with an all-male group for after-work drinks, well, that’s not my problem.

266

Gone with the Wind is still a very popular movie for its age. And the similarly toned ‘rape’ scene in Blade Runner is only 25 years old. Of course, Rachael is a replicant.

267

Ibanez-Having a group of Italian men shouting “ciao bella” as they cycled past me when I was on holiday, the security guy at work telling me he thinks my new haircut suits me or someone smiling at me across a room or shooting a fleeting admiring glance- not scary or unsettling.

Some things ping the radar, some things don’t.

Anything involving prolonged staring, getting in my personal space, uninvited touching or not taking a hint that a comment went over the line-radar well and truly pinged.

268

So many variables, it’s hard to say. I think you’re pretty much okay with what you’ve described. Usually, a fleeting glance doesn’t disturb me at all (it may very well make my day!) However, if I’m in a particularly vulnerable situation (e.g. alone in a dark alley, etc.) it may.

If that hurts anyone’s feelings, so be it. I’m going to weigh the risk to myself first. If If a glance makes me uncomfortable and I cross the street to avoid you, you’ll get over your hurt feelings a lot quicker than I’d get over an assault.

269

BTW, I don’t really buy into the rape culture language myself. But there are disturbing things in our society where we romanticize rape or treat it as part of sex… Or treat women like possessions or at least like imbeciles who can’t make their own decisions. I don’t think its pervasive enough to be called a “rape culture” - but I don’t think that it should be completely pooh-poohed as non-existent either

270

I don’t mind a fleeting glance. I don’t think people can help their fleeting glances, their first reactions, their doubletakes (whether its because I, myself am incredibly sexy and good looking or because you are doubletaking because I look just like your mother ;)).

271

How many people own slaves in English-speaking countries today?

How many people are raped in English-speaking countries today?

272

Do we glorify it? Do we have a “murder culture”?

273

How many people are raped in England by slaves? One is too many if you ask me.

274

I think we glorify murder far more than rape. In between movies, video games, gangster rap, and endless salutations towards the military we love witnessing, (virtually) committing or honoring others who commit homicide. Despite that we only have about 17,000 homicides a year in this country vs millions of sexual assaults.

I’ve never seen a movie where the hero commits graphic rape, or heard music depicting graphic rape, or played a video game where I have to commit rape. But I have seen all that with homicide.

275

It’s not a scientific poll, true, but it also doesn’t indicate that one in four men is a sexual aggressor.

I think you were looking at the statistic that about 24% of respondents had been assaulted by someone they thought they could trust. If so, this did happen to (roughly) one in four women, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that one in four men were the perpetrators. Taking it to a ridiculous extreme, the assailant may have been the same one exceedingly repellent man whom the women all happened to know. Based on the poll results, we cannot know how many men were involved in the incidents.

276

Agreed. I mean, there are sick rape games like RapeLay but in general I feel like we glorify killing and violence way more. It’s definitely a lot easier to justify murder/vigilante justice, too–I’m thinking of Batman, and other vigilante superheroes. Or movies like Pulp Fiction or Kill Bill where the violence is graphic but to some degree, hit men/assassins are definitely cool, hip, with it, etc.

277

No, I don’t have a problem with it.

Then again, I am a mature and confident woman without past trauma issues. I understand that, on a certain level, men are “wired” to look at women (unless they’re gay, in which case they tend to look at other men). A casual look is entirely OK. It’s OK for you to look visibly pleased to see me. That’s a sign you’re a normal man.

How you conduct yourself otherwise is how I will judge you - how you speak to me, your body language, and so forth.

Some women will have a problem with it, but in my opinion it’s often a matter of a woman who has been traumatized in the past. Since we women are all different I can’t answer for every woman, just offer my opinion and tell you how I feel.

278

A guy friend of mine was talking to a woman who said at a bar someone tried to put something in her drink to knock her out and have sex with her. He didn’t believe it, because he said almost all his female friends had said the same thing had happened to them before too and he didn’t understand how there could be so many sexual assaulters out there.

I’d assume/WAG that about 5-20% of the male population commits sexual assaults (I really don’t know the real number), but I assume most of them assault several people, leading to a situation where most everyone has been assaulted or knows someone who has.

http://www.ndcaws.org/facts/sexual_assault.html?PHPSESSID=72bd23e554fc58b745a619820407eb78

279

I think so too.

My son had an aquaintance who, I later found out, was one of those with “Roman hands and Russian fingers”. Evidently this boy grabbed butts, grabbed boobs, stuck his hands down pants, up dresses, down blouse fronts, etc. etc. all during junior high and high school. Eventually about a dozen of my son’s female friends had been groped by the guy (no telling how many girls he didn’t know were groped). None of the other boys in his crowd seemed to have such a problem.

280

I don’t really see how this is relevant. ONE guy did this–you’re making it sound like this is a regular fear of women. I’ve never been afraid that this would happen. It’s like being afraid of young women because of Amy Fisher or Lorena Bobbitt.