It depends upon how he asks. In the context of an intimate conversation and a voice filled with desire? I find the whole active consent thing a definite turn-on. I’ve always hated those attitudes where “We can have sex, but we can’t talk about it.” and the whole societal pressure for her to pretend this was not on her mind and he just persuaded her? Blech!
IMHO if you are not adult enough to acknowledge your wishes and check in on those of your partner, its probably not going to be all that good anyway. Might as well call it a night.
Are we talking about a guy with whom we’ve been building things up (to where I am in fact turned on), or to someone like those guys I dated a few times who refused any kind of physical contact (jumped if I tried to touch them in any way) but then wanted to go straight to bed or straight to marriage? Or in the OP’s specific question, a milder straight to kissing.
The first one I’d be likely to kiss him myself; the second one, where is a heavy vase when you need one.
I’d like some explanation of this sentence. Unnecessary rejection?
Ivory Tower Denizen has it right. If I wanted to be kissed, asking wouldn’t change how I felt. If I didn’t want to be kissed, asking wouldn’t change how I felt. If someone kissed me against my will, I’d most likely bite him. How’s that for rejection?
After a first date I asked a gorgeous woman if I could kiss her because I thought she might be “out of my league.” She responded with “please.” That was about 35 years ago… married 31 of those and 3 kids. She still thinks it was sweet.
If you seriously think that taking a woman’s comfort level into consideration and checking for boundaries would cause her to lose interest I have news for you–she was not at all into you. Any interest you thought was there was 100% in your head.
I always found it easier to have my dates sign a MSA (Master Sexual Agreement) at the beginning of a date. It clearly sets the terms with which I will initiate sexual contact (if I so choose) as well as her rights to “opt out”.
I’m not sure why asking if you can kiss someone inevitably means you also need to ask about literally every step of physical contact. It should be pretty clear by now that not everyone requires the same amount of verbal consent, and part of getting to know someone well enough to have sex could very easily involve asking if someone wants or needs frequent checking, or if they do prefer their partner to just go for it until they’re told to stop.
This could also just be one of those things that feels so goddamn weird because most of us aren’t used to it. We’re used to assuming yes until we’re told no, which has its own potential issues of people being afraid or otherwise unwilling to say no. Either system is fine assuming everyone involved wants the same thing.
One reason many give and is inferred in the OP is that it’s a mood killer. Not all women feel that way which is obvious by some of the responses in this thread, but some do. Here’s one young woman expressing that:
I’ve always found success in hurriedly grabbing the wad of notebook paper out of my sweaty pocket and scrawling down, “Can I kiss you now? Yes___ No___” It takes away some of the killer anxiety of saying the words.
In my dating days, I always found it much easier to tell a man “You may kiss me now”, but if he had asked before I got there, I would not have been turned off by the request. Done right, I suspect it could be very endearing.
I think a primary outcome of the #metoo movement is finding out just how many of us are really, really, bad at guessing what the other person does or does not want. We have also discovered that trying to just continue, with a partner who is not actively certain whether they want to continue, can be seriously damaging. Far better to stop along the way and make sure.
If it’s required before kissing, then it’s required before touching a breast, and then a thigh, and so on.
“Hey, I’m going to try to kiss you in the near future. I may then want to touch your breasts followed by other wants. Would you like me to ask before every move I make? Just checking, thanks. All of this assumes we’re going to have a second date. We’re going to, right?”
I assume “yes” when I’m getting the right signals as I mentioned in post 22. If a man is kissing a woman, he can slowly go from touching her shoulder to her breasts and a woman has plenty of time to say “no” or take his hand away. Asking verbally isn’t necessary and regardless of what some are saying in this thread, asking every step of the way is awkward and is going to be turn-off.
I have a daughter her age, but anyway, back then it wasn’t unheard of for a guy to pause at the brink of something and ask “do you want this?” or “are you okay with this?” or some such thing. It only raised my estimation of him.