Male here. Paying on the first date is simply an affirmation that I do in fact possess testicles; other modes of demonstration may result in charges of indecent exposure.
I thought maybe I was the last one. Yeah, I’m only 25, but in my world, the guy pays, period. That’s part of what makes it a romantic date instead of a shared meal between platonic friends. If the girl insisted on splitting the check I would take that as sign she was interested in friendship rather than romance. I guess that’s a pretty old-fashioned attitude judging by most of the responses here.
What if she let you pay the first time but wanted to pay the second? Would you still think she wasn’t interested? And, isn’t agreeing to a second date a confirmation that she likes you?
Well, I certainly wouldn’t break up with someone just because she wanted to pay for dinner. It would be kinda weird though. I’d probably respond with something like, “Just so we’re on the same page-- this is still a date, right?”
But why would it be a date if you pay for her, but not if she pays for you? I can see why it would be questionable if you were splitting the check, but how is *you * paying a sign of interest, but *her * paying a sign of disinterest?
I completely get what you’re saying, but honestly, it’s just a sepia-toned, man-should-hold-the-door-for-the-woman kind of thing. I was just taught that it’s proper for the guy to pay for the date. If I have a son who turns out to be gay, I don’t know what I’ll tell him to do. 
There are regional differences, and Dallas isn’t as strong as Atlanta that way, but while I always offer to split the bill on a first date, the gentlemen insist on covering the whole thing. Since I’m mostly getting dates through online services, the miss ratio is much higher, but in the case of second dates, I prefer to split the bill if not pick it up completely. Otherwise, I feel like I’m taking advantage of him.
Friends are different, and I think that’s the point. I’m not trying to impress my friends like that , because they’re my friends and we’ve progressed well past the point where we care about making each other feel warm and fuzzy all the time. But that’s not to say that I don’t ever treat my friends either. I think it’s better to a have more nonchalant attitude over who pays what, than to have a whole bunch of bills being handed across the table because God forbid someone pays for more than their fair share and people start stressing about boundaries being violated.
I think romantic interest is a relevant consideration. I’m not really a traditional type at all, but do think a dinner date abides by different rules than an outing between two friends does. A guy that expects me to go dutch on a first date is telling me that he is either is not trying to impress me in a courtship kind of way, or he doesn’t know that treating me to a nice dinner is a heart-warming gesture that will endear him to me with more effectiveness than many other social graces will.
No, my generosity is one of many things that I want my prospective mate to see on a first date. I don’t expect a guy to pay for everything either, but I don’t want a guy to insist on halfsies everytime a purchase is made. In my experience, relationships are about give and take (“sometimes I pay, sometimes you pay”). It’s not really about dividing everything straight down the middle and asking someone else to take care of themselves.
If a guy insists on paying for my dinner, then I would hope he’d be gracious to let me take care of the movies, or drinks, or whatever comes next. But if he says no to that and won’t be nudged from that position, I’m really not going to feel disrespected or wary of him because that. Who pays is not a big deal to me. I gain nothing by insisting everything be “fair and square” all the time because if a guy is going to act all self-entitled towards me because he laid down a big fat 20 dollars for my dinner, then I need to know that upfront anyway. So I can not waste anymore time on him. Can’t say that I’ve ever had a guy expect me to put out because he paid for things, though. The guys I go out with tend to be cool like that.
As I said, I always offer to pay. But if I’m going to insist, I’m going to insist on paying for the whole dinner (or movie, or whatever). Not just for my portion of the costs. Because to me, in my opinion, that is not in the spirit of dating. YMMV.
Well that’s funny. Just had a date the other day and a guy let me pay. It most certainly is a real offer when I promptly whip out my card and do it with a smile on my face, and assure him it’s my pleasure. And I’m sure the guy appreciated that a lot more than he would have if I’d insisted on paying for just my meal, because then it wouldn’t be me treating him. It would be “protecting my boundaries”. Not exactly the message I’m trying to send to someome I like. Again, YMMV.
But was it a first date? Because that’s the question the OP asked, and I think, when it’s a first date, and you offer to pay but allow the man to insist on paying, he has no way of distinguishing your offer from every woman (including me) who offers to pay for the first date but will let a guy pay if he insists.
It’s the second date, I guess, where I would insist, if I let him pay the first time. Because I just don’t think it’s fair to let the man pay every time.
It wasn’t a first date, but I don’t think it matters much. Most guys I date have to be persuaded and cajoled to let me pay, regardless of who did the asking out and regardless of if its a first date. Perhaps it’s a regional thing, I don’t know. But I’ve dated Yankees and they were just as adamant as the Southerners.
Past experiences have shown that if I insist too strongly on paying, a lot of men take offense. Some headaches aren’t worth creating, so I let them have their way and don’t read too much into it. It’s their money not mine.
I think it matters a lot. I’d let him pay the first time if he wanted but after that, I wouldn’t feel right about it. I really wouldn’t, and a guy who finds my desire to share the cost of dating offensive shouldn’t date me anyway. Maybe it’s part of the selection process for people, how we find people with similar values.
You said what I was thinking but hadn’t gotten into words. I don’t want to take advantage of a date. I don’t want him to think I just want him around for free food and entertainment. I may not have much money, but I can certainly spring for the movie tickets, or for my part of dinner. On a first date, I honestly don’t expect to, but I’d be able and willing to.
For the record, I live in Boston, and aside from the unfortunate incident mentioned earlier, I don’t remember ever paying for a first date, even when I asked. I’ve been asked to put my credit card away on many occasions. I’m not sure it’s a regional thing at all. It *may * be an age thing, though.
Bingo! That’s how I see it too. It’s changed over the years - me at 25 would have found** Autumn Almanac’**s attitude fine and dandy, but me at 42, I *like *that I can pay my own way.
The first date, I’ll offer and be prepared to split the costs, but it’s nice if I’m treated as someone special. Once we’re in a relationship, we’re equal in all things.
Having someone *insist *on paying for everything gives away far too much of my hard won independence. I am an adult, responsible for my own household and budget - not a child to be taken care of.
You’re right. I don’t feel threatened by a man who gets his rocks off by treating me to dinner. I also don’t feel as if I’m taking advantage of him if that is what he truly wants to do and he knows that I have zero problems doing the same for him. In my eyes, there’s a lot bigger things to worry about than who pays and who doesn’t pay, and I want a man who doesn’t sweat things like that. Making money an issue (even a small issue) at the germinal stages of a relationship is really not what I’m striving to do.
So you’re right. It’s all about attracting people who value the same things you do.
It’s totally different with friends, and it’s different based on who the friends are and how many there are at the meal.
For simplicity, lets keep it at 1 male and 1 female sharing a meal. And this time they both know and are happy that they are just friends. This is the kind of situation where going dutch rears it’s head.
If I’m one of these people and I know that I’ll be seeing the other one for dinner in the next few weeks, I’d rather pay for the whole meal. I get the pleasure of providing the gift of dinner to my friend, and then I know that next time we meet he’ll pay and I’ll be taken out for a nice meal. That way it’s about giving and receiving and enjoying each other’s company. And that’s especially nice when romance is not on the horizon.
With a large party, all rules are off. No matter what you do someone will whine. Someone will pay too much. Someone will pay too little. The tip won’t work out. Something. It’s always something.
I am female and I go into any date expecting to go dutch. If my date will not hear of it, I will either insist on paying for drinks or going out for dessert otherwise.
If it’s a dinner and movie and he won’t let me pay, I insist on paying for the movie tickets.
It’s not about power or feeling obliged to sleep with the dude if he pays for it all, or any of that.
It’s just that I work hard for my money as do most of the men that I date, and a date should be about the company, not a free ride.