This. If my husband said, “I love you, you beautiful woman,” I’d smile and glow and all that good stuff. Now if some guy I didn’t know in a bar came up to me and said, “You’re pretty,” I’d be thinking, “Really?”
I always liked the more sincere, detail-oriented compliments. “That’s a very unique purse” or “You look very elegant with your hair up” or “That shade of blue brings out your eyes, and once I saw them, I thought I must talk to you” would be better. Yeah, they’re lines, but they’re real observations. Something specific about me. Not just anything like, “You got a purty mouth.”
I think I can tell by how it is said whether or not it is a come-on.
Years (and pounds) ago, I used to be a runway model. Guys were tripping over themselves to go out with a model and it got tiresome - I could never tell if the guy was actually interested in me or in being able to say “I’ve got a date with a model.” If “you’re beautiful” was their litany, I dropped 'em like a hot potato.
I quit modeling, gained some weight, and all those guys disappeared. Suddenly, the only ones that were hitting on me, were obviously interested in ME. They rarely said “you’re beautiful” but the “you’re smart” “you’re sweet” and “you’ve got cute toes” let me know they were seeing me, not my job.
I’m now gray and fat and I look across the table at the very homely man of mine and I think “Gee, he’s beautiful” because he is beautiful - on the inside.
I say, “yeah? thanks.” What am I supposed to do? Be gobsmacked by enlightenment? Be grateful some man noticed? You say “you’re pretty” to me, and I think - SO? Thanks for your keen observation, and thanks for sharing that startling information, bub. Basically, doesn’t mean much coming from some random guy. Different thing coming from an SO, where it’s meaningful. It would be rather sickening to be told “you’re pretty, you’re pretty” all the time, by anyone. it would make me irritated and think that they were, uh, differently abled. As a pickup line, it’s worthless. As a real expression from someone I was involved with, it would be nice.
Carnut, what you said. I liked your post! It is the real thing.
This is what I was going to say. In general, comments about something I’m wearing will go over better than “you’re pretty”. But even compliments about things I can’t control will sound nicer if they’re specific.
When the Starbucks drive through guy handed me my drink and said, “You have the most beautiful eyes!” with the constant eye contact and smile? Heck yes I know that was a blatant flirt attempt but it was wayyyyy nicer than just, “hey, you’re really gorgeous!” or something like that.
Pretty much this. I hear it a lot (I’m not beautiful, but I do have the easy-on-the-eye prettiness that people seem to like), and my reaction is almost always “um, thanks.” The thing this, I’ve been genetically lucky when it comes to my looks - my whole family is good-looking - so it’s not something I feel I can take any credit for. It’s like getting complimented on being tall or having blue eyes - something I’ve had nothing to do with.
I’d much rather be complimented on my personality, or my career achievements, which I’ve actually had to work on, but I guess in the context of the OP that kind of thing is not so relevant!
Well he does talk in his sleep quite a bit, so maybe he is. The other night we had a hilarious (in retrospect) fight over my pillow. He had grabbed it in his sleep and pulled it out from under my head. I had a devil of a time gettting it back.
ETA: I remember singing that song … I used to know all the lyrics to it.
I enjoy compliments on my appearance from people I know. If a strange man comes up and tells me I’m beautiful, he is usually about to ask me for money.
I can do without any compliments from the OP. People who talk about “true beauty” being on the inside and can’t appreciate physical beauty always seem smug to me.
Agreed. I also tend to get annoyed by people who refer to me as shallow because I have physical standards. I mean, they wouldn’t have sex with someone that they weren’t attracted to, yet because I’m not attracted to women that they are, I must be shallow.
Compliments are nice when they’re specific, but it’s also a contextual thing too-- are you paying attention to my face, looking elsewhere; do you have a facial expression that expresses interest and confidence, or the sad look of a desperate man trying to please someone he doesn’t think he has a chance of getting? There’s a lot to it, and just being up front and honest about interest is a good start; be friendly and casual and follow her lead a little. I like the attention, but since I’m not single, it being a meaningful “I want something more than to get in your pants” compliment or an “I’m just being friendly” compliment doesn’t make a big difference to me than the “I am only trying to get in your pants” compliment. When I was single, however, I felt flattered by most of them but generally looked for red flags in behavior for all three just in case there was something hinting just under the surface that I didn’t want to get to know the person better-- after all, stalkers, abusers and serial killers can all seem nice at first.
Ah yes, children. I forgot about them. A thousand years ago, I was at the home of one of my then-boyfriend’s family members, and a little boy kept staring at me, then eventually said “You’re pretty!” then buried his hands in his face, and started giggling uncontrollably. He was maybe three years old? It was the cutest thing I had ever seen. I almost died.
Due to some nasty crap my peers pulled in my early adolescence, my first reaction is suspicion. What do they want? I immediately look for their bunch of friends who are giggling and making bets about whether he’ll actually go through with asking out the ugly geeky girl.
Then I remember that we’re not in junior high anymore, but I’m still wary. I have never, EVER accepted a drink from a man I don’t know, nor given him my phone number. Being happily married now, I don’t intend to start.
That said, the same words coming from a friend or my husband make me all happy and glow-y. But I have to trust you first before you get to say shit like that to me.
(I realize that this makes it sound like I had zero social/sex life back when I was single. I assure you the opposite is true! But I had to be the one to make the first move, and/or they had to be a friend already before that.)
