That’s called flirting, and it’s a fun, light-hearted way to let someone know you like aspects of their person. It’s the intermediate step between introduction and relationship and/or sex, and it is not a binding contract.
Well…
Last month, I posted an ad and stated that my intentions were to chat for a bit over email and meet up if I found that the conversation was worth to moving to a face-to-face meeting. So the “'Sup baby, here’s my number. Call me.” emails went straight to the trash folder. I had a few conversations that started out well but they dithered off… would have met up with them if they asked, but they never did and I didn’t find anything to respond to in their later emails so conversation ended. But then, there was this one guy that I was actually looking forward to meeting up with… until he started leaning towards crazy. I gave him my number so he could text me about meeting plans. Had a busy day at work so I didn’t get to respond during the day. When it’s slow at work I can text up a storm, but when it’s busy, it’s BUSY and there’s no predictability in that. Anyway, I get home from work, do a routine check on my personal email and see that the guy has emailed me to let me know that he’s texted me. And since I didn’t respond within the hour, he backtracked and said he didn’t mind exchanging more emails until I wanted to meet in person. I sent a quick email back saying that I was busy at work and I’d like to meet up when I had some free time in the next week.
And that is where the crazy started. He texted again the next day drilling me on my availability. Then when I didn’t respond, he texted another one asking why I’d gone “cold” all of a sudden. THEN, when I didn’t respond to that, he called every five minutes for a good hour… never left a voice message but just called and called and called. Then another text message asking why I’d changed my mind. Then, a flood of calls one after the other until I blocked his number. And then another email asking me when I was free to meet up. At that point of the last email, I was just like “WTF?!” I briefly thought about sending a reply to the tune of “I had every intention to meet up until you started acting like a crazy stalker.” but thought better of it because with crazy people, you want to minimize any form of contact at all.
And I’m not saying that you, the OP, is on this level of crazy… but a lot of women have run across this kind of thing during their tenure of online dating, and it’s so much safer to ignore the person completely than to instigate any more craziness. Even if you are a perfectly sane person who is maybe just a little bit needy, gut feelings kick in and that’s how most of us respond. I really don’t want to go through the “benefit of the doubt” route and be wrong about it.
It’s not personal, and it’s best to adopt a thicker skin… which goes for any form of dating… online or not.
Well I guess it’s better I learn this all now. Gosh, I really don’t like this game… I don’t understand the rules.
Yikes…
You’re probably right… I need thicker skin.
I’m pretty sure she wanted to meet you to figure out if there was any real chemistry before pursuing anything more. When you kind of pushed for an answer - and saying yes to “is there a chance there could be something more?” means to some guys “totally pursue me hard because I’ll eventually give in, really! Because I said there was a chance!” - she got spooked, or irritated.
This is why I think meeting for lunch/coffee/something else short and easy to break off pretty quickly is a good idea. You get an idea of what in-person interaction is like quickly before too much was invested. Sounds like you got too invested in this, and that sucks, I’m sorry.
You should never take flirting as a promise or guarantee, just be flattered and enjoy the banter. Chemistry is important, and you can’t blame her for wanting to be in your presence before agreeing to commit to sex or a relationship. In fact, why would you want such a thing from someone you’ve never seen in real life? You don’t even know how she smells, for pete’s sake. You’ve never stood beside her, never held her hand, never heard her voice in your ear. Never touched her skin, looked into her eyes, or seen the exact shade of her hair.
Ask others: people here have admitted to having online relationships that last for weeks or months that wither away after a meeting or two. It just isn’t wise to invest so much of yourself in someone you don’t know. And you don’t actually know someone you only text and email. That lag time between brain and written speech really gives even the biggest dolt plenty of time to compose themselves and produce some clever and intriguing replies. There is a difference between real and online personas, sometimes small, sometimes vast. Don’t gamble on written words.
Your expectations are far too high: only an actual person can break your heart. So far she’s good on paper, but that’s all you bothered to find out before you scared her off. I’d chalk this one up to experience, and try again. And don’t rush people. Or yourself.
Look… thank you for saying sorry.
Everyone, I wasn’t trying to be an asshole, I just didn’t know any better. I still think she should have responded, even if it wasn’t a good responce… She knows I’m new at this kind of thing, and we got too close to where it would be weird if she didn’t respond.
Basically this.
I mean, look, you’re not the worst person in the world for pressing this, but at that point, it was way too early to be asking what the next step could entail. No matter how it felt to you, you weren’t “too close” for her to end contact. It was texting for a week with someone she’s never met. She might have been open to more than friendship at some point after meeting and establishing a connection, and it might have seemed that she was ready for something more right then (I know I don’t invite a man to stay over unless I want to interact with his wang, but she’s not me), but that’s not what she said. She said friends, so leave it alone. When someone pushes for more, it’s always annoying, and the earlier in the relationship this occurs (that’s what we’re going to call it for the sake of conversation), the more annoying it is. If it happens before even meeting, screw it. Don’t even bother.
Edit: Sure, it might have been nice for her to reply, but meh. Just telling you what was probably going through her head. And, like several others have pointed out, rejecting guys can get thorny. Way too many follow up questions more often than not.
You texted, how did you possibly get “too close?”
The thing is, it’s not really a game; it’s just human interaction. And as such, it can be totally confusing, and there are no rules, I’m afraid. But as in almost every human interaction, if you’re not sure what to do, it’s better to just watch and learn than try to baldly ask.
Think of it this way. Imagine you’re looking for a job, and by a stroke of luck, you happen to meet a guy at a party who owns a business and is looking to hire new people. You talk for a bit, and it turns out you’ve got the skills and experience he’s looking for. So he suggests you email him later and arrange an interview. He also tells you a bit about his company, explaining that he treats his employees very well, and likes to promote from within. So you ask, “Do you think there’s any chance I could become an executive? Not right away of course, but at some point? Or do you see me just staying in this entry level position?”
Hopefully, you agree that would be weird, and could easily result in you losing your chance at the job. But that’s basically what you did with this girl. In the job situation, the better course of action would obviously be to have the interview, get hired, and demonstrate your skills on the job for a while before asking about moving up. With the girl, it’s the same thing. She liked what she knew of you so far. Rather than trying to define where this might lead in the future (especially when she’s explicitly stated one thing and only hinted otherwise), you should have just met up, gotten to know her, and waited to see where things went.
You know?
She called me a few times too… I shouldn’t have left that part out. She called me crying a few times. I helped her feel better.
That implies that there’s some sort of Game Overlord Who Makes The Rules. That’s not at all true. There are no rules, really, because women (and men!) are not some sort of homogenous monolith where each one responds the same way to the same communication.
And no, you weren’t “too close to where it would be weird if she didn’t respond.” You never even met, for chrissakes. There’s nothing “close” about that kind of interaction.
Full disclosure: I gave a guy a fake number once. We were outside, in a public setting (college campus) and started chatting about something innocuous that was happening around us, can’t remember what. He started flirting very subtly, and then BAM! he dropped eye contact and was talking directly at my feet, telling me he has a foot fetish and that he really liked my feet and the shoes I was wearing and that he wanted to see me again and would I give him my number? All while edging closer and closer to me. Again, this was in broad daylight in a public setting with who knows how many people around, and he STILL succeeded in making me exceedingly nervous. I started stammering out numbers, realized I was automatically reciting my own phone # and changed the last two at the last minute. Why? Because his about-face took me completely by surprise and made me uncomfortable.
I’m not saying that’s what you did, OP. Just explaining why, in one data point, a woman might do that.
That’s what friends do for one another. She didn’t owe you anything for listening, other than to lend you an ear if you needed one.
OH! Why did I ask her about a relationship… I’m so fucking stupid.
Oh. Oh, honey. Okay, you dodged a bullet, there. She called you, crying, a few times over the course of the week that you’ve been communicating, and you haven’t even met in person? Yeeee-ikes.
I think it’s incredibly weird she invited him over to stay the night on Christmas eve…was the option of cuddling just an assumption on the OPs part or was it discussed.
I think Foot probably did annoy her with the “more than friends question”… but also she’s playing some kind of game here.
ETA- just saw the crying part.
Yep… she’s a crazy power player.
So Foot the take away is… don’t push the friends issue…and watch out for the crazy.
You’ve gotten some great replies, and I will reference the posts of** MeanOldLady** and Heart of Dorkness in saying
you got a tryout contract as a freelancer with some likely no-strings-attached wang interaction, but unfortunately your agent attempted to renegotiate the deal before the two parties in agreement even had a chance for some face time, so she tore up the contract, and now, even the wang interaction is off the table and the lights are off in the conference room.
Next time, stick to the signed deal that is on the table (only friends).
Play it cool, man, or you will come off as needy and insecure, a recipe for the cold shoulder.
Can’t say as I blame this woman.
No, you’re not, and you’re heading down a bad road. Don’t be that guy who we gripe about so often here, don’t morph into that “Nobody wants me and I’m a Nice Guy” whiner. Lick your wounds, dust yourself off, and try again with someone new. If she was already oversharing tearful stories with you, you may have dodged a bullet. That’s pretty melodramatic behavior from someone you haven’t met yet, or maybe typical of someone who lacks maturity. Either way, I feel certain you are better off for having had this experience to learn from. You’ll be more comfortable with the next one.
Hey, you’re good, and thank you for taking the slings and arrows of outrageous Straight Dope advice, even when it stings.
Since you mentioned that you’re new at this (and I was kind of wondering), I’d like to share a quote with you. It’s come up multiple times on the boards, and I think it really helps shine some light on dating/flirting/romantic interactions. It’s from a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker, which I strongly recommend you read. I’ve bought it for younger friends. If you don’t want to spend money on it, your local library almost certainly has a copy. This is an approximation, because I don’t have it on hand, but it gets the point across.
You probably just went “bwuh?” and felt your back go up, because you wouldn’t in a million years hurt a woman. Neither would most men. The trouble is, there’s a small percentage of men that have no problem hurting women, and you can’t tell them apart from the decent men just by looking. Most women, myself included, have learned through bitter experience that when we pick up warning signs (someone pushing a little too hard for involvement, someone ignoring our stated preference, someone who gets a little stalky, even someone who gets all complainy and arm-waving about how women behave), we need to get out of there fast.
You see, the risk isn’t just the discomfort and embarrassment of some jerk yelling names at us. It’s the risk of getting involved with an abuser who can manipulate our emotions and destroy our sense of self. It’s the risk of becoming a victim in not just that situation but others. It’s easy to get a hair trigger on these things, but honestly, a false-positive only means that I’m out a potential relationship and alone again. I can survive that. A false-negative? Not so much.
Troppus and Zsofia, aw, shucks. Thank you.
I’ve learned a lot from this, thanks to all that are replying. We agreed to cuddle, yes.