Pretard: Premature infant with developmental delay
(I know it isn’t funny. It’s not really supposed to be)
Hankering
Wankering : A need to ‘please’ oneself
Sandwich
Sandwelch Offering a sandwich, then not delivering.
Pickle
Picklett : A teeny tiny pickle
Lipstick
packle- the full body tackle used to zip an over-stuffed suitcase
Lipstack: Makes your lips look bigger.
Turbidity
Turbanity: The ability to look suave while wearing a turban
chipmunk
Hipmonk - funky soul brother
Profanity
proffanity - rough language used by educators
flatiron
flatteriron - a device that magically transforms your clothes into expensive designer duds
cactus
Profunity The act of being sacreligious and loving it
Licorice
Cracktus a new form of crack sniffed off a cactus.
Internet
Liquorice : Rice with saki topping
Breadbasket
splinternet A separate independant section of the internet.
broadbasket A place to keep large loafs of bread
toothpaste
lithpathte - cream used to take care of a speech imediment.
** gerrymander**
imPediment. of all places to make a typo… 
squareymander reassigning voting districts to form perfect squares.
horticulture
whoriculture - the practice by pimps of taking young girls off the streets and grooming them into prostitutes
alone
alune: by oneself on the moon
practice
proctice: anal rehearsal
lighter