“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.”
“There is no feeling quite like being alone, at night, in a bank.”–Willie Sutton, who robbed over a hundred banks
OHH?
And the reason I would not be trying to prove that I’m a bonehead would be…?
You can read it here first, guy! My article on “Eastern Orthodoxy” is being developed for UNCYCLOPEDIA.org!
(UnCee is the nightmare version of Wikipedia. Or is it the other way around???)
And soon to come… the Unconstitutional Illegal Evil of…
American Third-Party Candidates! Watch for it!
True Blue Jack
Sent to me by a friend in Afghanistan, while we were discussing the pornagraphy ban for service men.
Remember you go to war with the porn that you have, not the porn you want to have.
"Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a bannana"
“Time flies whether you’re having fun or not.”
Semper ubi sub ubi
(Always wear underwear)
Dyslexics of the world untie!
(took me a week straight reading that one on a postcard over my labmate’s bench to finally get it!)
Good ol’ Groucho. Or at least that’s who I think it is attributed to. Along with this one, which gives me giggles every time:
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
“Just because I’m paranoid, sir, doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get me.” I broke an officer’s wittle mind with that one day in the EOS.
Ambrose Bierce:
Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
And somewhat OT but I can’t resist some definitions from his The Devil’s Dictionary:
Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic’s eyes to improve his vision.
My college Latin teacher always maintained that there were no true translations from one language to another, only approximations, but his preferred approximation for that phrase was “Age. Fac ut gaudeam.” (relatively literally, “Do it. Make me happy.”).
Max, a similar one is “Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll spend all the food money on beer and fancy lures.”.
If you can’t be a big wheel in the great machine, at least try to be a good screw.
“Many people would sooner die than think. In fact they do.” – Bertrand Russell
Of course, the best source for these is Deep Thoughts.
People who live in glass houses, shouldn’t.
Also: Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he can collect welfare all winter.
Another version: Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My favorite is Dorothy Parker. Listen to the wisdom, children:
***I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things.
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant–and let the air out of the tires.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. (a review of a new novel)
She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. (review of Katherine Hepburn in a movie)***
for some reason, this one really got me 
- Willie Nelson
Of course you should fight fire with fire. You should fight everything with fire!
–Jaya Ballard, task mage
“Some drink deeply from the fountain of knowledge. Others merely gargle.” (I don’t know if that’s from despair. com, but the poster I saw it on was very similar.)
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it becomes hilarious.” (I think that’s mine.)
You can lead a whore to Vassar, but you can’t make her think.