“Hey, ChiefScott! Workin’ hard or hardly workin’??”
Hardy–f-ing–har-har.
I work in a very technical, very detail oriented, boring company. Very little human interaction and very nose to the grindstone type of personalities.
I would like to think I started this one. Had to spend 2 years incognito to read the personalities who would find this funny rather than offensive.
(Infrequently said as an insult to one of the ultra-high lordy goo-goo mucks who have more meetings than brains): “He’s so dumb, he … (ugly remark)…” and the punch line. “Oh, did I say that out loud?” (hopefully said just out of earshot of aforementioned goo-goo muck)
But we’re getting closer to earshot. And the ranks are growing in number. And the numbers are growing rank…(sniff-sniff) …
…ewwwww…take a shower, eh?
Back when I was a young and green blood donor attendant, we used to ask each other if we’d “thumbed that donor’s prick” yet.
It was a spoonerism, but puerile remarks always cause amusement.
My boss is phenomenally bad with directions, and phenomenally bad at being on time. Thus, whenever the receptionist buzzes through to say he’s on the phone his secretary and I invariably start coming up with bizarre places he’s accidentally driven to instead of the hearing/deposition/doctor’s appointment/whatever.
Like… Canada, Atlanta, Hawai’i, Mozambique, Proxima Centauri, etc.
Wow, did I just Jake up. (former empoyee)
You took blood from Vulcans? :eek:
Sorry, I just had to throw that in there. 
Im sure we have loads but nothing comes to mind! We had a guy we’ll call him Dudu and lets just say he wasnt the best at his job. From then on he was known as dont dont and if anyone else made a mistake we’d say they were ‘pulling a dudu’!
I work for a car hire company but the comapny has many other deptments such as sales, service and bodyshop. Everytime we see a wreak of a vehicle being towed into the bodyshop we always joke its another new car for our hire drive fleet.
Boy we really are sad!
Well, lets see if today is groundhog day…said before turning on a piece of just repaired equipment. (If you see your shadow you’re going to be working on it for several more days!)
This isn’t an office-wide joke, but still.
Some months ago, a co-worker and I went to a networking luncheon. The scheduled speaker/host is a local chiropractor. His laptop wouldn’t work with the projector, so he spent 10 minutes or so fiddling with it, which guaranteed that our food would be served before he started talking. He abandoned the PowerPoint and started talking off the cuff.
His talk was about the different kinds of feces. While we were all eating.
My co-worker and I now call him “Dr. Poopy” and I think about that whenever I pass his office. I haven’t been back to that group, and I’m sure he hasn’t, either.
Robin
A colleague and I used to run a teacher’s art center for the school district, where teachers could come in and make all kinds of stimulating environmental decor (aka “stupid crap”) for their classroms.
We had a tool that looked like a dental pick that was used for disloding pieces of paper that got stuck in a die-cutter. One day a wacky teacher walked up to our desk with this tool and declared “I could use this to poke someone in the aorta and kill 'em!”
From that day forward “aorta poker” referred to any goofball district employee we encountered.
I do IT at a property management company.
Any time I have lots of cardboard to dispose of (after setting up new PCs, etc:)
Q: Whatcha got there?
A: Vancouver Developer Starter Kit.
(We had a “Leaky Condo Crisis” in the early nineties.)
“rm -rf ~/* will fix that problem for you”
Hilarity will ensue…
Many long years ago I worked for a state government agency. Upon intake, our clients were categorized by race, and the categories were W (White), N (Negro), I (Indian), O (Oriental), or NEC (Not Elsewhere Classified). None of these categories were explained on the intake forms; only the abbreviations appeared, and the intake interviewer checked a box to indicate the client’s race.
A young summer worker on an internship once looked at the list of category abbreviations and decided that NEC probably stood for “Not Even Colored.” This caused such merriment in the office that for years thereafter we made reference to it.
I work at an equine vet clinic.
My line of work has more dysphemisms and euphemisms than in-jokes, things like “pink juice” for euthanasia solution and “dropping” a horse (using pink juice). “Laying a horse down” means putting them under general; this meaning can also be used for dropping a horse.
Laying a horse down for castration is used for jokes about consuming horse testicles, something that the Argentine vet I work for has done (if you do a castration standing, the testicles are filled with local anesthetic, which would detract from the culinary experience). More than once, I have seen a male horse owner or husband happen upon the scene of a castration, turn white, and turn tail and flee.
Heck, castration is often referred to as brain surgery (lower lobotomy).
Shipped semen is often referred to around the clinic as the swim team; this caused the FedEx guy to double over laughing when our office manager greeted him by saying, “Oh, good, the swim team’s here.”
When we have a horse with copious diarrhea, I often comment that it would be a lot more efficient to pour the bags of fluids directly onto the manure pile, since that’s where they end up anyway. Same theory as taping chocolate bars directly to your thighs.
That’s all I can think of for now.
Everyone thinks he’s a real Jay Leno when they ask how our dam projects are going.
Or if we’re the dam engineers.
Really, guys, we’ve heard it before. Over, and over, and over , and …
sigh
“You know what they call a kid from [either a certain midwest or a certain southern state] who gets the highest score, right? ‘Transfer student.’”
Similarly, I worked in a software shop where, whenever a middle manager came in requesting some arbitrary and infuriating little change against spec and needed it immediately, we’d do the tired “would you like fries with that?” line. Then we got a Swedish coworker, and tried to teach him the line a few times, only to finally hear him pipe in his sing-song-y Swedish accent to our manager one day, “would you like that? With fries?” Which of course became the new line, accent and all.
Now I work at an OEM where we make computers, like, from scratch, and bugs are constantly bouncing between the software, design, and electrical engineering teams, and my favorite joke is:
Q: How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fuck you, that’s a hardware problem!
Two years ago, I spent about a month in a project that had already been dragging through more than five years and was in its third consulting firm. It was a mess; it’s still ongoing and still a mess.
The Official Anthem was el sol no regresa, by la quinta estación. The chorus is:
Hoy te intento contar
que todo va bien
aunque no te lo creas
aunque a estas alturas
un último esfuerzo
no valga la pena.
That is:
Today I’m telling you
that everything’s all right
even though you won’t believe me,
even though at this point
a last ditch effort
is really not worth it.
For the current project (which is the same kind of shit as that previous one, but with more reasonable managers and better pay), we’re trying to decide between Queen’s “The Show Must Go On” and a handful of Spanish-language songs with lyrics similar to those above.
My brother used to work in a company where some bosses would threaten with firing people day in, day out. If, on a given day, Jesús Sr didn’t threaten with firing anybody, it was because he wasn’t in the office that day. People would pipe up things like “hey, I have more seniority, I get fired first!”
At one point, Bro got fired (by mutual accord with his new boss, the previous one having finally gone into rehab). People congratulated him hearthily; two days later we were in an Amaral concert and one of the songs in their latest record included lyrics about congratulating a friend who’s just been fired from a bad job. At that point, several dozen people in the audience turned to where we were, pointed at Bro and gave him a thumbs-up.
That song is the Official Anthem for Ex-Workers of that company.
Whenever there is a problem with one of our invoices, we get notification from someone in India, as that is where a lot of our Accounts Payable department is located. One of the people there always puts, “do the needful at the earliest” into her notification emails. So, when there is a problem or something needs to be followed up on, my manager jokingly says, “do the needful.” We laugh, but, yeah it’s a dumb office joke.
I was in a horrible, horrible teaching job, and in one of my classes, I had the most insane student I’ve ever had to deal with, even more insane than the kid taking anti-psychotic medication. The child, literally, could not sit still. I had to spend most of the class standing about two feet away so I could intercept her attempts to steal things, start fights, insult anything moving, or run away. This was an eighth grade girl. She was so awful, she just about had me in tears of frustration a couple of times.
I finally went to one of my co-teachers and laid it out for her - the problems, my attempts at coping, my feeble tries to connect with the child - and asked her, “What am I missing? There’s got to be something I can do!”
She gave me a look filled with pity and said, “Oh, honey, she crazy.”
That has now become my byline in all the jobs since then when dealing with a difficult person.
Oh, honey, she crazy.