World's Funniest Joke -- Update

In My Humble Opinion
61

Billy hears a knock at the door, goes to the door, no one there, sits back down

Billy hears a knock at the door a minute later, same result, no one there.

One minute later, Billy hears another knock on the door, no one there, now he’s getting pissed.

One minute later, Billy hears a knock at the door, now he’s furious, goes to the door, no one there, he happens to look down and there is a little tiny snail on his doorstep. In his anger he reaches down, picks up the snail and flings it across the road, slams the door, and goes back inside.

8 months later, Billy hears a knock on the door, opens it, and there sits the snail. Snail looks up at him and says 'What the fuck did you do that for?"

62

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn’t want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, “What shall I do?”

A voice came back from the heavens saying, “Repaint, and thin no more!”

63

No.

64

Reminds me of the Onion article headline, “Standard Deviation Not Enough For Perverted Statistician”.

65

I think I first heard/read this one on the SDMB so apologies if this is a rip-off, but it’s one of the few non-dirty jokes I can remember off the top of my head (though I’ve heard or read almost all the other ones in this thread so far, all the ones on the top of the stack are pretty filthy).

A man has to pass through hostile Indian Territory on his way to San Francisco during Gold Rush days, and hires a native guide to help him get through safely. One night, they are both awakened by the sound of distant drums. The guide listens intently for a long time.

“What is it? Is it a war party? Are those drums… Bad?”
“No. Drums are not bad. But, if the drums stop… THAT would be bad.”

The drums continue far into the night, until they fall back asleep, and awake with nothing having happened. A few nights later, once again they are awakened by the sound of drums - this time, considerably closer. Once again, the guide listens intently.

“Are those the same drums as before? Not bad?”
“Yes. Same drums. Not bad. But, we must hope that the drums do not stop.”

Again, they return to rest to the sound of drums and continue on unmolested. Finally, just as they are almost out of the hostile territory, they hear the drums begin again - this time, from very close by, and in broad daylight. And this time, after only about ten minutes, the drums… Stop. The guide comes to a halt, shuts his eyes tight and cradles his head with his hands.

“Oh, my God! The drums have stopped! Now what? WHAT HAPPENS NOW?”
“Drums, not bad! But drums have stopped! Bass solo coming… And he’s TERRIBLE!”

66

Why did they arrest the blues guitarist?

He broke a G string while fingering A minor.

67

I still don’t get the elephant joke…because jungle is massive? Can someone take pity on me?

68

Best I can figure from web searches is that Ali G may have had something to do with it. Try YouTube.

69

In all the years I have been telling my favorite elephant joke, only one person (a classics major) has ever been able to guess the punch line.

Q: What’s big and gray and the father of Alexander the Great?

A: Phillip of Mastodon!

70

George W. Bush goes on a diplomatic trip to Vietnam. When he gets back, he’s talking to a bunch of Senators. Mccain asks,“How was the trip, Mr. President?” “OK, I guess.” “Just OK, what happened?” “I couldn’t find that Hanoi Hilton I always hear you talking about.”

71

Neither do I.
:frowning:

72

What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

73

Nacho Cheese!

74

A traveling salesman comes to a farmhouse and asks if he can have a drink of water.
“Sure,” says the old guy who opens the door. He ushers him in and goes to fetch the water.

The salesman notices a pig with a wooden leg curled up on a chair nearby.
“Hey,” he says, “what’s up with that pig?”

The old guy says, “Well, I’ll tell you about that pig. About 5 years ago, we were all sleeping and the house caught on fire. That there pig woke us all up and dragged us out of the house. We’d have all burned up for sure if not for him!”

“Wow,” says the salesman, “that’s incredible! I can see why you let him in the house. But what’s up with the wooden leg?”

“Well, about a year ago, my little son was out swimming in the pond and started to drown. That there pig dove in and pulled him out. Saved his life, he did.”

“Amazing! But how’d he get the wooden leg?”

“Oh, that,” said the old guy. “Well, a pig like that, you don’t wanna eat him all at once!” :stuck_out_tongue:

75

Jungle Is Massive. Popularized by Ali G on the soundtrack for Ali G Indahouse. (Also sometimes with slightly different lyrics.)

Edit: or not quite, you know.

76

Did you hear about the Michael Jackson impersonator who robbed a Starbucks?

He was a smoothie criminal.

What’s the difference between a lesbian and a slacker?

Nothing. Neither one will do dick.

77

I’ve herd that joke start as “What’s the difference between a lesbian and a state worker.” :smiley:

78

Two elephants are sitting in the bathtub. One elephant says to the other, “Pass the soap”. The second elephant replies, “No soap, radio!”

79

What’s the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same. sic

80

I just got “smell mop who”. I had to say it over and over in my mind.

Glad I didn’t say it out loud.