World's Funniest Joke -- Update

And I’ll add one.
An older, retired couple is driving along the road. The husband is driving and is busy texting on his new cell phone. He’s not so great at it since it is a new technology for him and he’s doing his best.

Suddenly, they hear a siren behind them and, sure enough, they can see a police car pulling them over.

As they pull over, the husband says, “Honey, don’t say anything. Texting while driving is illegal now. I’ll do all the talking.”

The officer reaches the card, leans in, and say, “Excuse me, sir. Any idea why I pulled you over?”

“No, none at all,” replies the husband.

“Well, it looked like you were texting. That’s illegal while driving,” said the officer.

“Oh, no…no way. I don’t know anything about that ‘texting’ thing. I swear.”

The officer says, “Well, I know what I saw. I’m gonnna have to issue a citation…”

Suddenly and impulsively, the wife leans over the husband and says, “Listen, officer, I’ve been married to this man for 50 years and I have learned one thing for sure about him.”

“What’s that?” says the officer.

“Never argue with him when he’s drunk,” she replies.

:slight_smile:

Guy goes to doctor and tells him he has a small growth on his forehead. Doc checks it out and says, I have heard of this. In about 6 weeks It will grow into a penis. Patient say" doc cut it of". Doc says I can’t it is connected to your brain.
Patient says"you mean in 6 weeks I will get up every morning and look in the mirror and see a penis’. Doc says "hell no, the balls will cover up your eyes’.

Salesman knocks at a door. An eight year old boy dressed in lacy black lingerie answers the door, holding a cigar in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other.

Salesman stammers, “Err…are your parents home?”

Boy takes a drink, looks at the salesman. “What do you think?”

Guy getting an eye exam

Doctor: You really should stop masturbating.
Guy: Why? Because it really can make you go blind?
Doctor: No, because you’re making me uncomfortable.

Did you know? Somewhere in the world, every three minutes, a woman gives birth.

She must be found and stopped.

Reminds me of this one…

Bob Geldof was touring after the Live Aid concerts to promote action on poverty.

At one gig in Glasgow he stood on stage and asked for silence; once the crowd was quiet he started clapping slowly.

“Did you know that every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies”

Came the reply: “Well stop f*cking clapping then”

A little boy opens his parents bedroom door while they’re making love with the mother bouncing up and down on the father.

Later on the boy asks about what he saw. The mother explains, “I’m deflating daddy. I bounce up and down on his stomach to push the air out.”

The little boy replies, “That’s OK. Every morning after you go to work the neighbor lady comes over and blows him back up again.”

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked, “Really small, was it?”
Sally replied, “No… Salty.”

Mom fainted.

This is told about Bono as well.

Mrs. Brown is in the kitchen, doing dishes, when her husband, Farmer Brown, walks in, carrying a sheep under his arm.

“This is the disgusting pig I’ve been sleeping with every night for the last five years,” announces Farmer Brown.

“John, you daft old fool,” replies his wife, “That’s not a pig. That’s a sheep.”

“I was talking to the sheep.”

Knock knock
Who’s there?
I’m a pile-up

Same experience here–don’t get it, oh I see, not funny–but for some reason I got a chuckle from your comment.

Originally Posted by Wallenstein
Reminds me of this one…

Bob Geldof was touring after the Live Aid concerts to promote action on poverty.

At one gig in Glasgow he stood on stage and asked for silence; once the crowd was quiet he started clapping slowly.

“Did you know that every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies”

Came the reply: “Well stop f*cking clapping then”

Geldof: “Did you know that every time I clap my hands Bono dies?”

Yeah, that is funnier.

How can a joke thread be a zombie?

From your cite:

That’s HILARIOUS!

Alas I have no contribution. I’m sure I’ve heard of good ones, but I can’t immediately recall them. I just felt the need to put this joke directly in the thread for the benefit of anyone who may be disinclined to click on links for fear of spam/malware/overacting webfilters.

I don’t get it.

I don’t either.

What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

Dam!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

This may help, may not: No soap radio

You might even try no soap…radio

http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=CAAP

The cite tells it a lot better than I do.

What do I have if I have a deer with no eyes?

I got no-eye deer.

What if the deer’s dead?

Still no-eye deer.