Worst Christmas presents?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I’m a freelance editor. I work with words, all day, every day. So what do people fell compelled to give me? Those books with titles like “The Wild Wordwhacker’s Book of Weird and Wacky Words.” “The Lunatic Lexicon.” And the Lederers. Oh God, the Lederers. The urban legends of wordplay. Hardy har har, I’ve seen the lists of funny welfare letters and student history essay bloopers and Tom Swifties and bizarre words with funny definitions that no one has EVER used. I never even open any of these books. I smile and say thank you, maybe make a cursory flip through, and up on the shelf they go, never to be touched again. I like wordplay, but I’m a bit picky about what I find amusing, and I’m not going to sit around reading what is basically a dictionary, and a useless one at that.

I mean, I know they’re trying. But BOY, are they trying.

Someone upthread commented about getting nothing, or next to nothing, from her (now ex) husband. I’m guessing he didn’t have too many other qualities that made up for the deficit. But it made me think of our gift situation over the last few years. Mr. S hasn’t had much in the way of jobs over the last five years or so. So I let the gift thing slide as far as him giving me any presents, and I would say, “Let’s just buy something for the house and call that Christmas.” “Let’s” meaning me, of course. That worked for a while, but then after he had finally gotten what looked like a halfway decent job, he mentioned that he had felt bad about not getting me any nice presents the last few years, and he wanted to make up for it. That was the year I got this sweet little emerald (birthstone) ring for my birthday. :slight_smile: But the pay on that job hasn’t gotten much better, and this year I told him not to go to too much length to find me a present, because that would be silly.

On the other hand, he spoils me in many other ways, so I don’t feel the need for him to splash out on holidays, my birthday, and so on. He makes me feel special every day. <schmoopy, but true>

42

What? I thought you’d get trichonosis if you froze pork.

I’m curious, though, elmwood. Are these Honeybaked or deli hams (which wouldn’t be half bad if you wanted one), or supermarket hams? Where does he keep them before he gives them out (in a fridge, I hope)? Does he give you a bag to carry them in, or are you supposed to take them home in your car leaking ham juice all over your upholstery? Does he realize that Charles Dickens has been dead over 100 years, and nowadays people get their own main course for Christmahanukkwanza, instead of relying on their boss?

I can’t say I’ve ever really gotten a bad Christmas gift. I’ve gotten some sucky birthday gifts, but that’s another matter. Well, there was the Christmas where FIL’s wife gave me a bunch of gift-with-purchases that she’d gotten at cosmetics counters, but I felt awkward about her giving me anything at all, which she certainly didn’t have to, and I did get some use out of them.

As far as I’m concerned, only your parents and your spouse and maybe your siblings are obligated to read you when choosing a gift. Unless it’s a Jeep’s Phoenix or kittenblue situation, where you’re just blatantly dissed (I feel awful for you guys!), a Christmas gift doesn’t carry any expectations. Just being included in the exchange is enough for me.

But as far as parents are concerned, I remember that one poster from an earlier thread, whose parents hyped up the Big Box of Mystery under the tree for weeks. It’s the greatest thing ever! There’s something for everybody! You’ll use it for years! You’re going to love it! And it was expensive, so we couldn’t afford much else! Finally it was revealed as a set of encylopedias. :dubious:

Not that encyclopedias are a bad gift, per se, but it seems that the parents grossly misrepresented the gift, leading or at least allowing their kids to think that it was the ultimate toy or playset, something with a lot of bells and whistles. And quite honestly, if I’d been one of those kids, I might have wondered if there were strings attached, like, “We expect all As on every one of your school reports from now on.”

43

“I’m sorry, sir, I can’t take this book back. It’s been flagged.”

When I worked in NYC we did Secret Santa. My big boss, who was COO and made 3X what I did, picked me (of course I didn’t know it as I opened the gift). It was a little velveteen drawstring bag and I’m not sure there was even anything inside it (I’ve blocked it out).

Ok, so the limit had been $10, whatever. But the kicker was, it was clearly a GAP item from a large pile of the same that had been donated to our agency (shelters for women with children). AND there was a policy against staff taking anything from the donation stash.

She had the nerve to say, “I thought an accountant could use a change bag”, as if she had put thought into it.

Damn, it wasn’t compulsory so don’t sign up if you are going to be a bitch about it.

44

A few years ago, my MIL sent us an “Arizona Highways” scenic calendar and grapefruit.

Let’s parse this out:
We’re in California
She’s in Arizona
The grapefruit bore the usual produce bin stickers proclaiming them to be California grapefruit.
The calendar was from that year, so it was useful for five more days.
The calendar was coiled into a tube to hold the grapefruit.

So, we had an old calendar that was so tightly wound it wouldnever again be flat and three grapefruit that were grown near us, shipped to a grocery store in Arizona, bought in Arizona, then shipped back to California that we could have bought at Safeway, if we even liked grapefruit. Bless her little heart indeed!

45

This was all I needed to read for my own gift exchange memory to come flooding back. Mine was a second grade gift exchange also:

Somehow I accidentally (or maybe not?) peeked inside The Big Box and figured out one of the gifts was a LifeSaver “book” (a book-shaped box that opened to reveal many rolls of LifeSavers). This was like a treasure to me! We weren’t allowed to have candy at home, and if I got it, this would be a candy windfall of colossal proportions.

Suddenly I knew what I needed to do. Like a wildcat locking in on its prey, I became focused and calm. I memorized the placement of the LifeSaver book inside the Big Box, waited my turn, and held my breath…Dawn didn’t pick it…Brian didn’t pick it…Samantha didn’t pick it either. Then it was my turn.

Just as I reached in for it, Janice said excitedly, “Pick mine! Pick mine! You have to pick mine!” and pointed to another package. Wait a minute…this must be huge! How could I not go for something that was so great it was making Janice jump up and down in her seat?? The LifeSaver book was obviously eclipsed by the greatness of this other gift!

So mid-reach I changed my plan of attack, altered the trajectory of my aim and grabbed the mystery package instead. I ripped the wrapping paper away to reveal a pair of bright pink and black striped knit booties with poof-balls on top. Janice’s grandma made them.

A girl named LeAnne got the LifeSaver book.

(all names are real)

46

I once got a beard trimmer from an aquaintance. Wahl, one of their top units, really, a very nice gift. Except I’m not bearded, and never have been. Re-wrap, anyone?

47

Thanks for this thread. I am in a Secret Santa at work and need to fins something totally useless. At the moment the toilet seat idea is winning. Although the fake pony tail… I have to buy a gift for a lady who has a pony tail so that would be great…

48

This year the hospital where I work gave Honey Baked Ham gift certificates at Thanksgiving.

I no longer eat pork or red meat because of my rheumatoid arthritits. Same goes for turkey.

I know the company has other products, such as chicken and desserts, but I really wasn’t interested in any of them, plus I would have had to put money with the 25 dollar ceritificate in a few instances.

That card was re-gifted.

Last year, we all received Kroger gift cards in the same amount, and those were cool because you could use them like cash.

So I guess the gift card this year wasn’t totally useless. I just wish they had given it some thought and provided a choice.

Q

49

I once worked for a company that had the worst holiday gift program ever. There were 50-60 people in the department, so they would buy 20 $25 gift cards to random places and hold a raffle. If your name got picked, yay! If not that is too damn bad. They did other things too that applied to the whole department but those were more in the way of a coffee mug or something chintzy to keep at your desk, nothing useful at all. I wish they would have purchased 50-60 $10 gift cards instead of 20 $25 gift cards and then we all could have gotten something.