Worst ever Pop Videos

A list please of Dopers bad pop videos. Top of my list is one by Culture Club (it was so bad I can’t remember the title).The “plot” was about a Mississippi River boat but it seemed to have been filmed in a very damp and cold English field with a cut-down river boat and a lot a very bored extras pretending to be Southern Belles and River Boat Gamblers. I am a Brit by the way so am not knocking the British efforts in general which are usually very good.

As I recall, MTV did a special a while back on the lamest videos ever shown, and promised never to show them again. Number one was Don Johnson’s “Heartbeat” video, which did really and truly suck, but a strong case could be made for the Michael Jackson video that immediately preceded it on the countdown. Unfortunately, I can’t remember the song, but the video basically consisted of Michael singing against a blue-sky-with-clouds background while computer-created musical notes, hearts, butterflies, and other assorted crap floated around him. Truly awful.

If there was ever any doubt that I’m a dork, I think I’ll be clearing it up now:

The Culture Club video you mention, David, was for “Karma Chameleon.” What’s weird is that song has been stuck in my head for the last day or so. Luckily, I like it. The Michael Jackson gem referred to by Max Torque was, I think, called “What’s Up With You?” It was a duet. I’m not sure with who… I want to say Eddie Murphy.

Yep, Eddie Murphy, I just looked it up. I wanted to post a link to an excerpt of the video, but the one page I found it on is behaving very strangely (it won’t allow me to close it!) so I’ll spare you all.

One lame one that I can think of right now is a Menudo ditty called “Hold Me” or something like that. Eeeeesh! Something about a prepubescent kid doing little pelvic moves makes me very uncomfortable.

Ah, but one of those prepubescent kids is currently doing those same pelvic moves to great success.

Worst video…hmmm. I’ll disqualify concert videos, because I think they all suck. So I have to say Madonna’s “Music”. Boorring…gawd…

Any concert video especially w/ special backstage footage of the band…why don’t they show footage of the band members stuffing their pants w/ socks,sexually disappointing the finest skanks,and passing out in a puddle of various bodliy fluids?See Warrant,Journey,etc for examples.

Any video involving,inspired by or evoking Britney Spears,etc EXCEPT for the Real Slim Shady.

Any video w/ a cameo by another non-musical celebrity-sure sign the director knew the concept sucked donkeys and hoped the cameo would be distracting.

And my personal favorite for the automatic oh my god turn the channel for the love of all that’s holy…anything involving any member of the Jackson family

I remember that Ten Worst show on MTV that MaxTorque mentioned, and the top two (Don Johnson, Michael Jackson) were truly horrible.

But I surfed past MTV this weekend and saw an overblown Michael Jackson video (is there any other kind of M.J. video?) that was particularly offensive. Don’t even remember the song, but the video was this huge morality play in which Joe Peschi was an evil villain doing Nefarious Stuff to some children and Michael Jackson was trying to save the whiny little moppets. Joe Peschi bad. Michael Jackson good. Children love Michael.

Yuck. It felt like watching a commercial for NAMBLA.

Orca -

Song is Smooth Criminal. Some good dance moves, but yeah, video is overall kinda weird.

I hesitate to mention this. Because it’s too obvious.

“I Ran” by Flock Of Seagulls.

The cheesy sets, all covered in tin foil? The cheesy models, also, for some reason, covered in tin foil? The way they tried to make pressing a different key on your synth into a dramatic moment?

If you were going to do a parody of awful 80’s videos it would be…well, that video.

Even though it was the eighties, I still can’t believe that was a hit.

Don’t forget the hair set in LaBellesque fans that were apparently supposed to put one in mind of seagulls’ wings…incredibly dorky even by 80s standards.

And of course, we won’t even start on the song itself.

They had a LaToya Jackson video on Pop-Up Video once that was so bad it made me want to cut my own head off. I mean BAD. It was ten times worse than “Heartbeat.” It was even worse than Bruce Willis’s video.

In a similar vein to the pre-pubescent boy pelvic thrust video, I was always creeped out by that Billy Idol video ‘Rock the Cradle of Love’. A tarted-up pre-pubescent girl visits her nerd neighbor and terrorizes him by throwing shoes in his fishtank and squirming around on his bed like she has a really bad UTI. I always felt bad for the nerd, and wanted to call CPS on the girl. That just ain’t right.

also in that mtv special, dont forget, billy squier and rock me tonight. everything about this video is pants pissin funny, from the way his jeans and t-shirt (with the neck and sleeves cut off, ‘member?) were so meticulously cut at the seams and then resewn (reminds me of edith massey in female trouble) to the incredibly hilarious lil dance he does. kinda a combo of tourettes syndrome and st vitus’ dance.

i saw flock of seagulls, i am ashamed to say. just about the worst show i ever saw. (bonus hijack trivia question: what awe-inspiring punk groundbreakers did flock of seagulls steal their name from? [it wuz a line in a song])

I don’t know, Mielikki (great handle, by the by). That girl looked to be 17 or 18 years old…definitely not pre-pubescent. Possibly still jailbait, but certainly not a child.

Hmmm; it’s been awhile (old saw re. MTV not showing videos anymore) but if memory serves (in Iron Chef voice) I remember thinking she looked to be about 13 or 14. These kids today, you never know. It’s all that growth hormone in the milk.

Perhaps they’ll re-run it on that newfangled MTV2.

Glad you like the name- I’d like to say I got it straight from the Kalevala, but it was from 1st Edition D&D. Oh, well. (Puts big ‘dork’ sign around neck)

The one I saw that was the worst of the worst was from the other half of Miami Vice (Tubbs? the black fellow). He just stood there for the most part, trying to sing but I don’t know what the hell you would call it, with his shirt unbuttoned and some green laser shooting around in the fog. It made the Flock of Seagulls song look like it should have won an award. Man, it was BAD.

The best part of this video is the way you can see the cameras’ reflections in the mirrors covered with tin foil.
Another quite terrible video is that Mick Jagger and David Bowie cover of Dancing in the Streets. Pop-up Video informed me that they made up their own dances moves right then on the set–NO KIDDING!
I also looooove that Pat Benetar video (I’m thinking Love is a Battlefield?) where Pat runs away from home (complete with the worst actors ever playing her parents) and becomes a circa 1936 dance-for-a-dime girl, until she and her fellow co-workers revolt against their greasy pimp boss in this fantastic dance show-down. God, it’s so awful.

hey, thisyearsgirl, that pat benetar video is indeed hysterical. i howl every time i think of pat and her fellow ladies of the evening shaking their shoulders in unison.

ps, great name, old elvis is some of my favorite stuff.

What’s really funny is that I saw Boy George spin 9 hours before this thread was started.

I hate to say this, because Yes is one of my all-time favorite bands, but… their video for “Leave It” from the “90125” LP was absolutely pathetic. It consisted of a single picture of the 5 members of the band. And this one picture just bent, and twisted, and turned, and inverted, and stretched, for a full 3 minutes.

I have NO idea who thought that was a good idea!

Has anyone seen an obscure video by someone named Chuck Francour called “Under the Boulevard Lights?” It used to play on MTV back in the day they actually showed videos. I hope another Doper out there can confirm for me that this videos was so absolutely horrible that it was hilarious.