I ceased paying attention to this guy years ago, but he did provide me with a good laugh not too long ago.
I was at the video store and happened to see a film on the new release shelf titled “Into the Sun”.
Yeah. 
My vote for all time awsome-est (read: worst) Seagal film has to be On Deadly Ground.
To start - “My balls”. The bar scene fight. Everyone talking about balls. Steven talking about how big someone’s balls are. Kicking the balls. So many balls.
Also, random eskimo chick boobs.
Let’s leave aside the awe of Michael Caine’s oil-spilling badguy act and move on to the lead-up to the final fight, where Steven is creeping through the oil facility and we overhear a candid moment between two flunkies, describing how a) dangerous b) hardcore c) mysterious and d) Dangerously Hardcore and Mysterious Lord Steven is.
My favourite part, however… You know that lecture at the end of the movie? Where he goes on for about five minutes but it seems like forever? I’ll quote IMDB:
That’s right. That was the EDITED version…
I’ll admit, later films have been terrible and horrible in ways beyond imagining. Steven is slowly morphing into some jellid horror from Beyond The Stars. But nothing, nothing matches his directorial debut in terms of sheer delusion, random craziness and belief in his own press machine (“I am a terribly dangerous ex-secret-service man who can kill you with a finger BUT I WON’T because I’m the reincarnation of buddha yo”)
And this is why I love Steven, in a totally non-sexual way.
That’s my “favorite” too, because in it, Steven Seagal is the bad guy, but the movie doesn’t seem to know it. He’s pretty much just a terrorist in it, and he murders a bunch of people.
I loved Hard to Kill when I first saw it. Of course, it didn’t hurt that I was about 11 years old, and saw it in one of the country’s premier “black people shouting things at the screen” theater. That was awesome.
I’d have to say Next of Kin is the best Steven Seagal movie.
At least with the early Seagal movies, the fighting was brutal and he was in good enough shape to be semi-believable as a badass, at least in a late '80s/early '90s action movie universe. Of course, the titles on those movies were all interchangeable:
Above the Law (seriously not terrible; has Pam Grier in it.)
Hard to Kill
Marked for Death
Out for Justice (another decent one, if I recall.)
Under Siege (the one everyone remembers; it was essentially Die Hard on a train, but featured a bigger budget than other Seagal films, Erika Eleniak’s boobs, and Tommy Lee Jones as the villain.)
Then Executive Decision came along, which was Die Hard on a plane, but featured Seagal’s character’s early death, only to be replaced by the much-cooler Kurt Russell in a tux as the hero. After that, I stopped paying attention to Seagal.
So tell us about this. Or am I being whooshed in some way?
On a train? I thought it was on a navy ship? Am I remembering some other movie starring Erika Eleniak’s boobs?
Right; the train is the sequel.
Dammit, I was confused. And yet, not terribly embarrassed by it.
I came in here to mention this steaming turd. It was my first Steven Segal film ( I was dragged to it by a BFF who lurved him she put up with my Jean-Claude Van Damme obsession, so we were both a little off. We were young and it was dark, strange times for us. and I just wanted to throw something violently at the screen pretty much from the get-go.
OT, the only movie & theater I have been too that was predominately black was the viewing of one of the Rocky Movies. II. I think.
Oh.my.goodness. That was some interesting times.
Especially when I looked over at my cousin and said, “They know this isn’t real right?”
“I’m pretty sure they don’t.”
Thanks for that fan link. Those Kicker reviews are hilarious.
That’s like asking who is the ugliest Denny’s waitress?
I didn’t know they were particularly known for anything but awful food. I’ve had food poisoning twice, both times at different Denny’s, so I haven’t set foot in one for 30 years or more.
Sorry, missed this earlier.
It’s a Steven Seagal movie without Steven Seagal.
This makes me think of another question: which movie without Seagal would be worst movie to put Seagal into?
Off the top of my head, I’m thinking The Miracle Worker. Steven would have beat the crap out of Helen Keller.
This is worth its own thread, which I started: How would putting Steven Seagal into a movie change it?