National Lampoon did a spoof of useless superpowers years ago. My favorite: the uncanny ability to tear toilet paper perfectly along the perforations.
Seriously? I bet he wouldn’t last long in a fight with that villain who can eat metal chains and stuff (Trapjaw? Lockjaw?).
I remember one Spider-Man “villian”: Humbug. His costume could reproduce all the different sounds made by various insects, amplified to “an extraordinary degree!”
“I’ll hit you with the sound of the Manchurian cicada!”
EEEECHHHHEEEEEE!
:rolleyes:
Razorback: back in the 70s at the height of the CB craze, a big musclebound mook from Arkansas who couldn’t let out a breath of air without some sort of CB-slang like “10-4, good buddy!” He drove a modified semi named “Big Pig!” I kid you not!
Re: Dial “H” for Hero
As I recall, the run of this that polluted the early 1980s was (like Legion of Super-Heroes) made up of fan-invented heroes who the writers and artists would put to work. The lamest of these that I remember was “invented” by some kid who had obviously gotten one of those mix-and-match monster machines for Christmas, the kind where you take different heads, torsos, and legs, assemble them in the frame and then shade over the plates with colored pencils to “draw” the monster on a piece of paper (there was a “sister” product called Fashion Plates).
Bathetic.
I mentioned him back on page 1. Here’s a direct link to Seanbaby’s page on him: Razorback
Joe Staton very often used heroes and villains with dubious powers. Usually humorously, but in his run of Green Lantern (post-crisis, with the mini-corps on Earth) there was a villain called Truk. He looked like a half man half semi. His power was the ability to very slowly accelerate, but then because of his mass he was hard to stop.
As I recall, he was actually part of a supervillain who had split himself into several bodies, but ultimately re-united himself. He was a beaver. Seriously. Came from a planet of intelligent animals whose Green Lantern was named Chipp.
Seemed like more of an E-man villain to me.
You need look no further.
** Dream Girl **. Beautiful person, interesting character, but as Lightning Lad put it “A nacoleptic fortune teller? My head hurts.”
And let’s not forget Lana Lang as ** Insect Queen **, complete with bow in her hair and bug’s ass.
Thanks for the link Journeyman. That one’ll keep me occupied for months I think. By the way, I saw Beeman, but so far haven’t seen the Red Bee. He’s probably in there though.
The funny thing about stupid powers is that a lot of them weren’t really that stupid. They just weren’t used well. Look at Chlorophyll Kid. He could make plants grow at super speed, he just didn’t seem to understand how he should use his power. Forget fighting crime. Help grow crops in undernourished areas, or replant forests.
Fire Lad could breathe fire…and…well…there are probably uses for that too. Clearing ice from windshields and sidewalks. That sort of thing.
Didn’t anybody ever read “Reid Fleming: The World’s Toughest Milkman”?
he was…ummm…a milkman. a tough. drunk. milkman.
The problem with Fire Lad wasn’t lack of a useful power. It was lack of control. In one case, he repeatedly starts forest fires by sneezing.
The same was true of Polar Boy. His ability to produce subzero temperatures was a fine power. But he tended to affect large areas rather than specific individuals or objects. Apparently, he eventually overcame this, cuz he went on to join the Legion proper.
But I agree with your point on using a power well. In one WildCard story, we encounter a superhuman assassin. Her power? The ability to control other people’s blood sugar levels.
More mainstream, Electro(a Soidey villain)has taken his power and found a huge variety of ways to use it. Besides tossing lighning bolts, he can “skate” at high speed on power lines. Toad (Of the Brotherhood Of Evil Mutants) was a wimp for decades. He used his increased dexterity and jumping ability to…well jump around a lot. Later, he trained himself in the offensive use of his powers-jumping in, attacking, and jumping away before an opponent can react, using the force of his jump to increase a punch, etc.
You’re right about the control issue. Also, don’t Polar Boy and Fire Lad sound like a good comedy team, or dancers at a gay nightclub?
Nahhh, that would be Fire Island Lad an Pole Dancer boy
OK, so we have the original Hawkman who was a rather muscular guy armed with a variety of mideival weapons who had wings and could fly. Not too shabby, and hardly along the lines of the “worst” of anything.
The more recent Hawkman was an alien cop who had wings and could fly, and was armed with a variety of edged weapons (which he not only used in hand-to-hand, but was also an expert at throwing), wore a “cestus” glove on his right hand (lead-lined knuckles for nasty punches - Roman boxers used to wear them), packed a “graviton pistol” in a holster on his belt (generic alien energy gun - alien cop, alien cop’s weapon), kept a “graviton rifle” over the mantle in his apartment that he used when there was a particularly big problem to solve with extreme force. Still not too shabby.
From the Legion, does anybody else remember Tusker? He had tusk-like lower teeth which he could extend several feet, and which were extremely hard. In his first appearance he shoved them through a tree. Of course, then he got stuck and couldn’t pull free.
At the same time we met Gold Boy, who could turn anything into gold. Well, that’s a great power to use in the award manufacturing or utensil industries.
And never forget Infectious Lass, who could give anybody any disease, only couldn’t control the intensity. Don’t make her mad on a date!
Compared to them, Matter Eater Lad was Superboy. Besides, at least he’d never go hungry.
Part of an old Letterman top ten list: “Most useless superpowers”
1-Super spelling.
2-Really bendy thumb.
3-Ability to calm jittery squirrels.
4-Power to shake exactly two aspirin out of a bottle.
5-Ability to communicate with corn.
6-Very wiggly ears
From the original Legion.
Aquaman Yes, he could swim really fast and even stay under water a really long time. Oh, yes, and I almost forgot the most important one. He could talk to fishes. Great! We’ve got a soggy Dr. Dolittle. I always felt so sorry for him in the comics. The villians always had to come up with some lame reason to get wet so Aquaman could get involved.
“You, Deathray, attack the World Bank.”
“You Steelband Man encircle the police station with your steel arms.”
“And I will stand really close to the bay so Aquaman can have a whale splash me with its tale and short circut my incredible electronic brain.”
I also had trouble with Adam Ant (no not the singer from the 70s), you know, the guy who could shrink to the size of an ant and talk to most ants. It wasn’t even all ants; it was most ants. I mean jeez, a superhero afraid of the Orkin Man and bigfoot.
In Marvel, I had trouble with Sue Richards at first. In the first couple of years all she could do was become invisible. Which for a teen perv may well be a great superpower especially if there is a girls’ showerroom nearby, but really it doesn’t have much real practical application other than voyeristic jollies. It was especially ineffective since she was such a klutz that everytime she was spying on somebody to get information for the Fantastic Four, she would trip over a nearby table, step on a cat or stub her toe on a conviently misplaced brick and have to be saved by the other three.-- “Nuff said”.
TV
TV time,
First, Aquaman was never in the LSH. They are about a thousands years too late for him.
Second, the name you are looking for is Atom Ant, who was a superpowered ant. It sounds like you are confusing him with Ant Man, a Marvel superhero that could shrink down to the size of ants and communicate with them. He later became Giant Man and Yellowjacket, along with creating Ultron, one of the Avengers nastiest foes.
If this is a power, then there are lots 'o girls who can join the Legion.
You know, since DC established the “metagene” a few years back, virtually anybody can get a superpower, if they have the gene. Unfortunately, since the powers that manifest are dependent on the catalyst, it’s likely that a lot of people on Earth DC have developed completely useless powers, or powers that are only rarely useful
“Hey Joe, it’s your deal.”
“Okay guys, ante up, 5 card draw.”
Suddenly Joe uses his amazing power to cause the cards that are laying all over the table to reform intoa deck and automatically shuffle themselves.
“Damn, Joe, that’s sure handy. We can get at least one more hand in every night.”
“Yeah, hey Bob, that beer cold yet?”
Bob looks in the direction of the refrigerator. “Not yet, 2 minutes 13 seconds to go.”
“So you really can’t tell what the temperature is for anything but beer?”
“Yep. And only Heineken at that.”
“Damn.”