Nearly Useless Superheroes

I’ll describe a hero and his power. The respondent will think of a way that the power can actually be of use, and then post his/her own power. Starting off:
“Five Second Rule” - Named after the urban myth of being able to safely consume any dropped food that is picked up within the stated period, this hero is able to travel in time, but only five seconds at a time.

How can this be made to work?

He has to stay extremely alert and move fast to prevent people from being shot, keep paint cans from falling on people, etc. When he was just starting out, he missed a lot of stuff.

Another Hero; The Red Eft. Has the ability to converse with and control amphibians.

It was used – and worked very well – in Galaxy Quest. Generally, in the middle of any fight situation, he’d be able to make small adjustments to change the outcome.

Trivia Man – knows the answer to any obscure question involving popular culture.

Is that a maximum of 5 seconds at a time (but any lesser amount) or no more or less than 5 seconds? Because if it’s the former, this guy will be hard to beat hand to hand.

It’s a quantum thing. Five second jumps.

Well after winning on Jeopardy!, he can pick up the odd buck betting on bar trivia games. Could be useful in many non-Superhero roles.

The Power to remotely blow out an incandescent light bulb from within 20 feet.


To pay my answer debt, the Eft lives in a swamp and is able to use his cold-blooded minions as a early warning system/burglar alarm. Great in a fight as banana peels, not much help otherwise.

Long stymied in his attempts to promote the use of compact fluorescents, LumiSuck joins forces with a gang of bank robbers to ensure their work would happen under cover of darkness.

My power: SuperCoif – unmussable perfectly styled hair, no matter what the weather or people do to it.

After a spectacular stunt double career with Bruce Campbell you go into live disaster reporting for the Weather Channel, saving thousands from hurricanes and the like.

My power: Ultra-photosensitive skin- Even with SPF 200 caked on it takes me only 1 minute to get a horribly disfiguring sun burn.

Flashback did pretty well and she could only travel in time back three seconds. Five seconds is plenty of time to deal with disasters.

Used to convince sequestered jurors / wintnesses from trying to escape. “Don’t go out there - it’s boiling hot!!”

My power: The VendingMachineConfounder. Ability to make vending machine deliver wrong beverage to unsuspecting users.

Dude, are you serious? I can think of 4 bosses I’ve had in the past that I would sick VendingMachineConfounder on in a minute as retribution for their endless streams of petty evil.

Me: Bumpster
Power: The ability to pick anyone up and give them that shake the dumpster-emptying truck gives the dumpster, then set them back down.

I Am…The Isobar!

I can tell you the current weather conditions without looking out of the window!

Good for trying to snap people out of fits.

Ego Man: Capable of defending only himself.

With his collection of poison dart frogs, he’s one of the most feared assassins in South America.

Stuns crooks either (a) with his greatness, or (b) by thinking they’re stunned simply by being allowed to bask in his greatness. Any way you look at it, that “surprised and stunned” period of time allows the police to arrest the crooks.

Okay, what about “The Card Cataloguer”? He knows every classification, sub-classification, and sub-sub-classification (etc.) of the Dewey Decimal System perfectly.

The perfect researcher to track down the information the heroes with actual powers need to defeat the enemy.

Let’s see someone come up with a justification for Grow Arm-Hair Lad.

Uses his arm hair to net supervillains, make ropes, etc.

Masturbation Girl.

Entances supervillains, who probably became superviallains because they were total nerds who couldn’t get a girl to notice them if they shot her in the face with a rifle, and renders them helpless.

Bone-lass, whose bones have permanently attained the consistebcy of rubber cement.